A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them.

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package.

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

Behind the waterfall of love you’ll find me, hiding in a barrel.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.

Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency.

My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.

Some people are born to be bronze medalists. And sometimes the only reason they get third place is because there aren’t more competitors in the race to place ahead of them.

The old me is younger than the me now. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Coffee excites my mind in ways not describable my words. The closest approximation is a sperm whale in orgasm, only silent and bubblier.

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

I plead the fifth—and then I drank it. I was drunk on love, but wouldn’t admit it. I was also drunk on whiskey, but the breathalyzer outed me.

I’ll be waiting in my trunk, with the engine of your car.

Not many men will love you like me. Of course, I’m not many men. I’m just several men. Or I will be, once my clones arrive.

His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.

I make love like 1981, one year before I was born. That explains why all your orgasms are nonexistent.

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.

The Circus came to Jacksonville in 1993, and after two decades, the Jaguars are still in town. I just hope the Jaguars hire Tim Tebow, so that maybe the team can finally go to the...

I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.

Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick.

With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That’s when we met, and that’s when I knew it was love, two years before.

As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.

With my big 80s hair, my cut off jean shorts, and my roller skates, I’m going to look sexy on my way to work in the snow this winter. And I just got sled dogs,...

People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.

Sales is a solo endeavor, a cold and lonely venture. Or it can be viewed in that aloof manner. It can also be viewed as something warm and symbiotic, and I think that’s what all...

A one-winged bird does not fly south for the winter. It flies south, west, north, and east, over and over. That’s how I feel when I’m in love, only I walk.

I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic...

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

Probably the reason the NY Yankees want to move their farm team to Ocala is to recruit me. I am the Babe Ruth of farming.

I’m stranded. Come pick me up. I’ll be dressed like a hooker and standing on the corner. There’s a discount if you get here in 30 minutes or less.

The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)

The French aren’t birthed; they’re hatched out of eggs. That’s why they make the best omelets.

I once placed third in the Battle of the Fourth Places. There were only two other competitors, so I felt proud. My grandma and grandpa beat me, despite having been dead over five years.

He not only stood three inches taller than me, but I sold him two of those three inches. (The third inch I tossed in for free.)

Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?

I always keep the weather in my pocket, so no matter where I go, I always have something to talk about. Sudden thunderstorms embarrass me.

I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This makes me the superior land animal.

Women, they’re great for keeping the bed warm and the coffee hot. They’re also good at other things, like my job, which is why I’ll soon be fired—which is a bit too hot for me.

If you party, then I Ben. I’ve been Benning since the beginning. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you are not alone. And thank God, because is there any worse feeling than being...

If you’re hungry, eat one of my new starvation pills. They taste like silence.

I design, manufacture, distribute, and sell elevator buttons. I specialize in the fourth floor. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m such a good salesman that I could sell one of my fourth-floor elevator...

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night and decide for yourself.