I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.

I run through all the positive character qualities in my mind, and assign myself a number from 1-10 on where I think I am on each. Surprisingly I score tens on each one until the...

We danced together. We didn’t look graceful, but how could we? She only had one leg and I had my eyes on her friend the whole night. Sure, her friend couldn’t dance either, and literally...

I promised her the world, but instead I bought her a globe.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

More people have drowned in Friendship Fountain than in any other fountain representing friendship. I should add that I hold Friendship Fountain personally responsible for the enmity that exists between me and my former best...

A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

I want an ocean job, but they’re hard to land.

A blanket could be used as a scapegoat. But I’d rather use real goats, because they make better cheese.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.

One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

I love myself.

A brick could be used as a hammer. A brick could be both a tool and a building material in the construction of a mansion. That’s like having an engineer design secret tunnels in your...

Maybe is the lovechild of No and Yes. We should make love. I’ll be the No, you’ll be the Yes, and maybe I won’t call the cops but will call you again sometime.

A jet may be perfect for breaking the speed of sound, but a brick is designed to break the speed of silence. Just listen to that quietness.

I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.

A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated. Every brick in this country is equal, and as such they should be...

I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.

A brick could be laid on a blanket, so the blanket doesn’t blow away. But why would the blanket blow away? I just turned the fan off.

We fell in love like the Fourth of July. But there was nothing red, white, and blue about it, because we fell in love in England, despite the fact that the colors on their flag...

Anything disguised as anything is chameleon. A ghost disguised as an unobservable and invisible object is a great example. Still, that’s easier to see than the love my ex wife had for me.

Love is like being featherless in mid flight and not even wondering if you taste like chicken. My love must taste like ostrich, because I’m always running from it.

My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.

I oft go to a loft aloft in the sky. I go alone, because I enjoy the company of a lofty intellect.

My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So without teaching me, he taught me how to learn from others.

Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.

6 pm isn’t closer to noon than 6 am in reality, but mentally the difference is like night and day.

Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve got to try. That’s what being in love is all about.

I didn’t say one word to her the whole night. No, I said three words: I love you. She only said one word: Goodbye.

I sing into burritos like they’re microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of the concert.

She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.

My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it get it back.

I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die.

Yesterday I donated blood. It wasn’t my blood—I found it in a discarded tampon.

We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two of us, so I’m afraid you’ll have to be eliminated. You have become...

Love is a two-man job. Well, at least homosexual love is.

You’ll know the economy is dead when industry stops and escalators turn into stairs. That’ll be the day slinkies take over the world.

There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy.

Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death

Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.

Death—I’m a nonmember for life.

I make conversation like I make love to myself—I let my hands do all the talking.

If I could capture the rays of the sun in a can, I’d paint a canvas with it and have you look at my work until the memory of my work was burned in your...

The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was “Stop!” Thinking back, I don’t know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to...

I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.

I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the fastest, to make the best use of what little time they have.

I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.