I won’t be lulled by the lullaby, when what waits after is eternal sleep.

real” relationship?

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.

I sprained my ankle. I was asleep at the time. I rest restlessly.

eccentric.” Let this be a lesson in love.

Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that’s sitting on a pile of steaming feces.

Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of the first date. Especially if you’re dating a vampire.

Ah, you shouldn’t have!” I love a box full of emptiness.

Everyone in the world ages at exactly the same rate and time. We’re all getting older in unison.

I had a dream about you. I smiled and you waved, and it’s unfortunate that neither one of these gestures was directed at each other. The person I was smiling at was the same person...

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

I can spot a polka dot dress from hundreds of circles away.

I hear what you say in what you don’t say, you see, because I’m a Helen Keller kind of communicator. Love is just as visible as invisible.

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.

Surrealist Tip # 7: Sleep through numbers 1-6. Write down your dreams while you sleep, sleep as fast as you can, but try not to get a ticket—and don’t let the honking of other drivers...

If love fell in love with another word, do you think that word would smell, taste, and rhyme with it? I think so, and I think that word is jambalaya, but maybe I’m pronouncing love...

The Road To Serfdom is about capitalism. That’s why on the side of that road you’ll find me, in a kiosk, selling ankle chains and handcuffs.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

Life is made up of only one thing: the now. The past and the future could be considered dreams, if only they were as real. At least a dream is in the now.

I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you’d have one tragic haiku.

I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve....

A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.

I fish better than any fish alive.

I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can’t eat thank, so I know my stomach isn’t full of thank. I can’t smell or breathe thank, so I know...

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

I stood under the umbrella for hours before I folded it up and started walking. Umbrellas can block the sun, shield the rain, and if you flip an open one over, it can also be...

You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.

I make my living as a farmer. I milk the clock at work. And I make love like a dentist. Oh yes, I am that erotic.

A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.

My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.

Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will keep Kleenex in business.

Midgets smell like small, and I’m in the mood for a medium, like a large coffee from Starbucks.

manhole cover” is.

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Her name was Ashley, but I called her Ash, because she looked like the burnt remains of a cigarette. But she smelled like coffee, and I thirsted for her affection.

We were young and in love. Well, at least I was young. I was fourteen and she was ninety-four. She tried to act like she never remembered we were dating, probably due to her dementia.

The woman in this photo can’t believe what she’s hearing. And since it’s a photo, I can’t hear what she’s not believing. I’ll bet she doesn’t believe she’s not the killer.

Coffee and Saturday go together like me and Suzy McKloozy went to prom together. We didn’t, and they don’t.

If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.

We fell in love like nobody’s business. I wish it was everyone’s business, so that I could have made money off it.

Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body...

The business of business is people, not products or services. Take care of the people, and the people will take care of you.

The eyes in the frying pan looked tasty. But as good as they looked, it wasn’t good that they were looking at me.

hurry up and wait.

I don’t have tears running down my cheeks. Those are egg yokes, and yes, it means I’m in love.

My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.