The only thing cats love more than food is sleep. We have that in common.

If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.

Good days are ahead of me. But so is the worst day of my life—my last day. I need a cup of coffee large enough to take a bath in.

Our love was soggy, like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

I came from a broken home. My bedroom window was cracked.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

I don’t like it,” I can save up to 25% on my energy output.

I am the who in whodunnit. But I am not the dunnit.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

I had a dream about you. I was running barefoot on the beach, and you were chasing me because you were a cop, and I was naked. I couldn’t believe you tried to arrest me....

I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn’t imagine being on the bottom.

My love is like one of those wooden Russian nesting dolls (matryoshka doll). I know, because your heart fits perfectly inside mine.

I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I’m not a sellout. I rent.

Love means the world to me. But so does a globe.

Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a...

One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.

When you get to know them, most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

I am the Fruit Basket of Love. You should do a painting of how I feel.

I don’t like hot coffee that’s cold, or iced coffee that’s hot. Or leftover love in a rusty thermos.

I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.

I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.

Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.

Well I would have used silverware if you hadn’t sold all the forks and spoons to pay for your Ethel Merman addiction.”

I have a coffee table, but I don’t like it. I think it could use some more cream and sugar. Plus, it’s entirely too liquid to be a functional piece of furniture.

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

I had a dream about you. You were playing the guitar like it was a piano, and I was impressed with my deafness. You played awfully, but all I could hear was I love you.

This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another pen, because this one’s not only super glued...

In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I...

I had a dream about you. I should have waited until you were finished eating to tell you I love you, because you vomited all over my tablecloth. But that’s OK, because it was multi-colored...

Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.

I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!

The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has to be true, because it’s too weird not to be. Also, consider the evidence. He lives in Wisconsin and does...

On my list of things to be when I grew up was a character in a Gary Larson comic. With one of his books in my hands, I would spend hours and hours laughing. And...

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason...

Love is as iffy as Kipling.

Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That’s natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave.

The people need to know that the people need to know. And I’m just the man to let them know that they need to know. However, what they need to know, I do not know.

I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.

I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.

A rose will wilt in short time, but my garden is more vivacious for having one in it. Love is even more fragrant, but often just as fragile and fleeting, but I eagerly accept the...

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all...

When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.

A cat’s meow can be a scream, a laugh, a sigh, a hello, a yes, and even an I love you.

I’m interested in women as a whole, not simply as three holes.

I’m a fountain of knowledge, like a water fountain, only thirstier. And quenchier.