If we all had an additional twelve hours a day, think of how far mankind could advance in just a year! That’s exactly what I’d be thinking about while I was sleeping twenty hours a...

We haven’t spoken in forever, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t love her. That’s what being in love with a mute is all about.

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

Love makes sense to me in the same way that this statement might make sense to you: Parakeets flock like sheep flock like wool covers your eyes like a bald kidnap victim willingly locked in...

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.

I’m not saying I’m not saying. I’m also not saying I’m in love, and I’m not not saying I’m in love.

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.

Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.

If my clone were standing next to me, I’d be beside myself with joy. I’d also be literally beside myself. In that case, I’ll bet you’d love me twice as much, huh?

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

I watched a truck go up in flames. It was hauling cigarettes. It was the first tragedy I’ve ever smoked.

A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.

Men are from vaginas, and women are from women.

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.

Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as I knock on their doors.

I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?

I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed like a cowboy would get off my back.

I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.

Like pets, I name my leftover food. Only I name them all after myself, partly so my coworkers won’t eat them in the fridge, but mostly out of vanity.

A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call me the Molly Brown of the Brown-water Bathtub. Also, I hate ice in...

LIberty is slavery. Or, well, you already know. P.S. Can you find my logo in the image?

A brick could help me hold down a job. Hey, in an economy as bad as this, every little bit helps.

Coffee smells like how I imagine heaven will be scented. Would you like to spend eternity in my nose?

It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.

Today we’re living in an anti-Waldo world, where you don’t want to blend in and have people struggle to find you. You want your personal brand to stand out like you’re wearing a red and...

His last name is either Groves or Graves or whatever the hell I wrote, trees or cemetery. We drank coffee like two people who should have been three.

She invited me out to dinner, and I declined saying I’m not a fan of big groups. She said it would be just us two, and I said, Like I said, I’m not a fan...

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

I use my windshield wipers when it’s not raining. I’m an umbrellaless pedestrian, and I can’t tell the difference between Starbucks’ coffee and a mud puddle in a cup.

When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.

I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows I mean business.

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

Alcohol makes you do some crazy things, like speak openly of your love, fornicate with strangers, and occasionally commit murder. That’s why I stopped drinking. Been sober now for over three days.

Personal branding is more important today than ever. Today is today, right? If today is tomorrow, and it soon will be, then personal branding is even more important. If you haven’t started branding yourself, what...

I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

I am possibly the world’s greatest magician, because I don’t just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I’ll bet you’re probably thinking, “I don’t remember seeing you,” or “I’ve never seen you.” And...

I don’t think any man could solve the world’s problems overnight, myself included. You’d better give me at least two days.

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

Abraham Lincoln wrote a poem about me once. You might know it as the Gettysburg Address. Men with beards are romantic.

He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the...

It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full of food.

Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be...

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.