I won’t read a book whose pages have been dog-eared, because I’m more of a cat person.

I had a dream about you. I was at your family reunion, and your grandma was chugging the hunch punch with all the confidence of a mature woman in diapers. I was on Wheelchair Patrol,...

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.

Goodreads.com could be read Good Reads, or it could be read Goo Dreads. Of course, it couldn’t be the latter, because who dreads goo?

I hate office politics. Still, I’m running for office mayor.

Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!

Freedom tastes like strawberries, vanilla, and blueberries. And it smells like my armpits. Huff it up, America.

Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.

Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.

Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is placed on top of a two-legged piano. I should know, because I’m the...

Just because I have two ears doesn’t mean I can listen to two people at once. Or one politician promising two opposable things.

The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

I wonder if babies could be made more efficiently on a conveyer belt.

It’s a landscape painting of Key West, from the perspective of an optimistic blind man.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.

II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.

Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not while mass is in session.

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

We made love like an earthquake, which was nice because neither one of us had to do any work.

A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or more people.

Most guys confuse lust and love. I am in sex with you.

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

She said she had to leave in four minutes. I said, Great! Let’s have sex twice.

When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.

Do you know what I want to do? If you guessed have sex, you win a brand new baby!

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.

I love nature. It beats having to flush.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.

If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like to give them that blank road kill dead in the eyes look.

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches...

I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.

Would you mind a mind blindfold, a block on your imagination? You couldn’t create a fantasy world to live in, but you could create a life for yourself without irrational fears of the future.

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.

Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don’t we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like,...

The ocean in the sky keeps my love fresh like boat shoes that are too big to fail. My heart is flooded with feelings like Noah one knows.

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.