I use blankets like armor for cold.

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

When love knocked at my door, I prayed to God and thanked Him for letting me live in a Porta-potty.

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

My car would look better with a mustache for a bumper. Then pedestrians would know that I am a superior lover, just before I hit on them.

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.

I want her when she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want her when she wants me. Now that’s love in the 21st century!

Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

Excuse the mess—I just stepped in real estate.” While the value of my words wasn’t like 2007 prices, it was still worth enough for him to let me in without making me take off my...

I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too thick to fit in my cup to stir in the sugar.

I network like a Spanish Inquisitor. I am very good at extracting relevant information. And if you resist, you’ll only confirm your heresy.

Novels are written word by word. If you can write a word, and then another word, you can write a novel—assuming your novel will be two words long. Here’s a two-word romance novel: I do....

Don’t” on my To Do list.

My voice is raspy like raspberries. Can you taste what I’m saying?

Yesterdays.” I know, I work there every tomorrow.

If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that my love is the only love that can fly backwards?

We were young(ish) when we first fell in love. I was however old I am now minus the number of years it has been since that first day.

A woman wants all the men to love her, and a man wants to love all the women. And as for me, I just want to be a shepherd, though not for sexual purposes.

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both.

People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to catch all the worms halfway across the world.

I wash my hands in the blood of grapefruit. Come, drink with me.

I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it...

The decision to empty my mind was a no-brainer.

I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?

I’m on the west coast. I am Lewis and Clark. I am Lewis Clark. Like the time I got a Denver Omelet in Dallas with a girl named Charlotte Washington.

We made love like the 1930s, only it wasn’t quite as depressing. Also, it only took me a half a decade to bring myself to orgasm.

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.

If a piano fell from the sky, my first reaction would be, Oh my God! I hope it didn’t crush my bag of chips I left lying on the ground.

Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

I know her note said she was leaving me, but there is some positive in it. At least she cared enough to tell me she didn’t care.

Love between two people is sacred, and also secret—and shouldn’t be shared with a third person. But come on, you can trust me.

Best Interpretive Dance” for my adaptation of Joyce’s Ulysses into crunk. That’s cool and all, but you should see my Dostoevsky.

I am Oscar Wilde’s reversible underwear. I am John Wayne’s rusty six-shooter. I am William Shakespeare’s identity crisis. I am a kiss delivered Priority Mail, to a girl named Agatha, by me dressed as a...

Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It makes me angry enough to go out and start my own elevator repair...

Her love stays with me wherever I go. That’s because I have it on a leash, like a dog, and I take it for walks like I do with my pet wheelchair.

The past is the past. I believe that people can change, under the right conditions (like plastic surgery).

I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.

Don’t drown.” At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it’s all gold.

I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes and duct tape in the trunk. I tried telling you my family has...

I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.

I am the parking garage of love, but sadly I’m empty at the moment. It’s cheaper if you pay for a whole week, rather than by the hour.

I’d make a better lover than a dead bird. Probably.

The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.

I’m invisible, and the only way to show you would be to not show you. My love can also be proven without proof.

A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.