As usual, he saves his wife’s for last. He leans on the cane and he looks at the headstone and he thinks about many things. Taffy. He thinks about taffy. He thinks it would take...

We were sent to Afghanistan to carry out hugely dangerous missions. But we were also told that we could not shoot that camel drover before he blew up all of us, because he might be...

Contrary to popular belief, people always say “It was a pleasure doing business with you”. It is the only thing that has stayed with me after an assignment. Always mix business with pleasure. That is...

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you’re thirsty.”Gideon Wyeth:”Why?”Ethan: “Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

i do not give a sh*t, the toilet miss me now

Time, plenty of it came to the rescue here: Kelly was to engage in self-expression. In Jake’s vocabulary this was a vague term applied to activities like swearing and children’s art but in the present...

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He...

She often felt like she had been cast in a supportingrole with the film that was Louise. And there was more melodrama to be found there than a full-scale Merchant-Ivory period production. Tonight, she was...

Everywhere that we looked, were objects & artifacts reminiscent of a bygone age. of war & destruction, of mankind’s determination to rule his neighbour, to prove how mighty he and his people are, yet a...

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did.

Nothing can be more notorious than the calumnies and invectives with which the wisest measures and most virtuous characters of The United States have been pursued and traduced [By American Newspapers]

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Aim towards enemy.” – instructions on U.S. rocket launcher

I don’t “lol”. I tried it once but it just didn’t agree with me.

Frank couldn’t breathe underwater.But where was he?Percy turned in a full circle. Nothing. Then he glanced up. Hovering above him was a giant goldfish. Frank had turned -clothes, backpack, and all- into a koi the...

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of...

Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.

Again he shook his head. The world’s gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing of it. The return of corpses has become trivial in import. How quickly one accepts the...

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

There was this about vampires : they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were… what was the word… deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style.

penilosophy.

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

I envy the man to snatch him up. This will be the only time in life I’m siding with Freud and experiencing ‘penis envy’. There will never be a repeat. Can’t be associated with too...

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I’d like to pull up my pants.

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn’t obey the rules.

So you’re a Shadowhunter,’ Nate said. ‘De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.”Was that before or after he tried to eat you?’ Will inquired.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS.

…And of course they’ll get their milk from us, because Gooch’s milk in the village really can’t be trusted. I do hope, Henry, the vicarage drains are all right if Martin is to go there,...

The beagles are partying under Geiger’s desk.

Baumauer sits at home in silence in the evenings planning how to impress his rigidly strict father who’s in his late seventies, but who still enforces the same dynamic between himself and his three, guilt-ridden...

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

If you’re getting chased by a lion, you don’t need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. – Tim Ferris

And where,” Socrates smiled, “is the universe?””The universe is well, there are theories about how it’s shaped…””That’s not what I asked. Where is it?””I don’t know – how can I answer that?””That is the point....

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,’ Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he’d beaten down the riverman to a decent price for...

The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You’re the corpse in an English...

Donegan Bane and Gracious O’Callahan – the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it’s sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.

I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

You go to church to respect God, not the priest. By not going to church, you disrespect God, not the priest. – Don Camillo

WANNA YOU WANNA WEENIE ME?” The end kind of trailed off in a shrill, choking warble.

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

Is that a trick question?

I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Corvid looked up at her. “Oh, hello Doris.””Gertie, dear,” she said. “They call me Gertie.””You used to be Doris,” Corvid said as a matter of fact.”Who?” She seemed unsure of what she was being told.”Doris,...

Its done.’ Penteluck announced and scooped some onto a spoon for Zayne to drink.’No chance, you first. You’re already dead it won’t kill you if you drink it.’Penteluck frowned. ‘Zayne I’m already dead, how will...