For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.

Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. ‘Don’t come too close if you know what’s good for you, these nits are on steroids.

I ache to swim again. Walking’s for mammals.

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another’s dreams

Luis is right there.” I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn’t...

I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

… a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse has got a little more sense.

Anyone who says “Trust me” is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn’t get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants.””Dang it!” Frank Barked, which...

Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the...

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i’ the other place yourself.

Boss, she’s a _Dragon_. They don’t _believe_ in assassination. They consider it a _crime_. If you go up to her and–“”Kragar,” I interrupted, “I never said that I was going to go up to her...

Hard,” she replied.

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

I need some space.””Because of my past?””No, because of mine. When I’m around you I feel like I’m falling. I need to stop before I smash into the ground.””Are you always so honest?””No. Mostly I’m...

I don’t need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough!

It’s not up for discussion anymore. Just eat your ice cream. And don’t spill any on Brady.

When the road ahead seems impossible, start the engine

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon’s downpour would have made the slate tiles so...

The iron has entered my soul,’ announced George Knox impressively. ‘Let me tell you, my dear Laura, that when I lay here weak and ill, unable to raise a hand in my own defence, I...

Pissec approaches Pamela Geiger’s cubicle, itching in rhythm with her. He wants to ask her a question while Kalist is out of earshot. She’s not a grass, he’s sure, but stupid people die first.

Opposite Pissec sits ghoulish Gottfried Baumauer, a tall, skinny workaholic with dark-ringed eye sockets and long, yellowing smoker’s fingers. He’s thirty-eight. He doesn’t say much. He drinks a lot of tea – likes it strong...

This is 1987. A girl can be whatever she wants to be.” “I know,” said Ray. “My mums a plumber.

The homeland might be lacking snakes, but it held its share of venom.

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets…. you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Another one of your quippy japes?

As women glide from their twenties to thirties, Shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. Even the most outrageous minxes lose their nerve, wrestling with the first twinges of existential angst: fears of dying...

I had an uneventful few days,” it told her. “The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year’s exam will arrive sooner than we...

It’s a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don’t you think?””It does much more that that,” Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.His eyes widened. “What...

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official,...

He’ll be gorgeous.

I had done either too much coke or too little, a constant problem in my life.

Time flies when you grow fangs and fur.

People soon get tired of things that aren’t boring, but not of what is boring.

Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

I don’t understand humans.” Caradoc shook his head. “It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect...

Love is relentless, and so am I 😉

The camp offices stood in the centre, adjoining the shrine to Jupiter that held the legion’s Eagle. In the camps of the Vth Macedonica and the VIth Ferrata, these buildings were of grey stone, dressed...

I am a writer, I’m supposed to be intense and emotional,

Losing your parent at a tender age is like losing everything thing. The love, care, support and what have you. It only takes determination, strong will and the love, care and support from others to...

Absurd laughter is a kind of protest against an absurd existence.

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

CUSTOMER (to her friend): What’s this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?