There are things so horrible that even the dark is afraid of them. Most people don’t know this and this is just as well because the world could not really operate if everyone stayed in...

Mr Vimes,” said Mrs Winkings, “ve cannot help but notice that you still haf not employed any of our members in the Vatch…”Say ‘Watch’, why don’t you? Vimes thought. I know you can. Let the...

People look down on stuff like geography and meteorology, and not only because they’re standing on one and being soaked by the other.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

Another priest said, ‘Is it true you’ve said you’ll believe in any god whose existence can be proved by logical debate?’ ‘Yes.” Vimes had a feeling about the immediate future and took a few steps...

It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,” he said. “Have you thought of going into teaching?

When he was a boy he’d read books about great military campaigns, and visited the museums and looked with patriotic pride at the paintings of famous cavalry charges, last stands and glorious victories. It had...

‘Look down, your grace,’ said Skimmer. ‘Mhm, mhm.’ Vimes realized he could feel the faintest prick of a knife blade on his stomach. ‘Look down further,’ he said. Inigo looked down. He swallowed. Vimes had...

On the Disc the gods dealt severely with atheists.

You have no power over us, said the Auditor. We are notalive.BUT YOU ARE DEMONSTRATING ARROGANCE, PRIDE AND STUPIDITY. THESE ARE EMOTIONS. I WOULD SAY THEY ARE SIGNS OF LIFE.”Excuse me?” said the shining figure...

Of course, to be fair, that was a parent’s job. The world was so full of sharp bends that if they didn’t put a few twists in you, you wouldn’t stand a chance of fitting...

I’m sure it’s all journalism […] It means it’s true enough for now.

We need to borrow your boat,” said Vimes.”Bugger off!””I’m choosing to believe that was a salty nautical expression meaning ‘Why, certainly,'” said Vimes.

You can’t give her that!’ she screamed. ‘It’s not safe!’IT’S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY’RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.’She’s a child!’ shouted Crumley.IT’S EDUCATIONAL.’What if she cuts herself?’THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

The horsemen came closer.Vimes was not good at horsemen. Something in him resented being addressed by anyone eight feet above the ground. He didn’t like the sensation of being looked at by nostrils.

The tincture of night began to diffuse the soup of the afternoon.Lord Vetinari considered the sentence, and found it good. He liked ‘tincture’ particularly. Tincture. Tincture. It was a distinguished word, and pleasantly countered by...

You couldn’t say ‘I had orders.’ You couldn’t say ‘It’s not fair.’ No one was listening. There were no Words. You owned yourself. […] Not ‘Thou Shalt Not’. Say ‘I Will Not’.

The plain old Sam Vimes had fought back. He got rid of most of the plumes and the stupid tights, and ended up with a dress uniform that at least looked as though its owner...

Racism was not a problem on the DIscworld, because – what with trolls and dwarfs and so on – speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

Wolves hate werewolves.”What? That can’t be right! When she’s wolf-shaped she’s just like a wolf!”So? When she’s human-shaped she’s just like a human. And what’s that got to do with anything? Humans don’t like werewolves....

I shall fear not. According to the Testament of Mezerek, the fisherman Nonpo spent four days in the belly of a giant fish,” said Constable Visit.The thunder seemed particularly loud in the silence.”Washpot, are we...

A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.

Vimes woke in damp and utter darkness with sand under his cheek. Some parts of his body reported for duty, others protested that they had a note from their mother.

Colon looked awkward, as if the bunched underwear of the past was tangling itself in the crotch of recollection.

Good evening, gentlemen!’ said the vampire. ‘Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong...

That was a dhlang!” he said. “An evil spirit! The peasants down in the valleys hang up charms against them! But I thought they were just a superstition!””No, they’re a substition,” said Susan. “I mean...

The smug mask of virtue triumphant could be almost as horrible as the face of wickedness revealed.

The boldest of the three moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. “We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?” he snarled.Someone sniggered.”I hope you’re not going to kill...

Her books on alchemy were marvellous objects, every page a work of the engraver’s art, but they nowhere contained instructions like “Be sure to open a window”. They did have instructions like “Adde Aqua Quirmis...

Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too....

Legitimate First watched them go as they walked away. Sergeant Colon felt he was being measured up.”I’ve always wondered about his name,” said Nobby, turning and waving. “I mean…Legitimate?””Can’t blame a mother for being proud,...

Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think.

Sybil’s female forebears had valiantly backed up their husbands as distant embassies were besieged, had given birth on a camel or in the shade of a stricken elephant, had handed around the little gold chocolates...

I thought you were all law-abiding? Oh, yes, sir. Very law-abiding. Just not very merciful.

I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU. She reached out and took a damp square of cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on....

History needs shepherds, not butchers.

Someone broke from the scrum and, punching and kicking, staggered towards the Klatchian goal.”Isn’t that man your butler?” said Ahmed.”Yes.””One of your soldiers said he bit a man’s nose off.”Vimes shrugged. “He’s got a very...

The world rides through space on the back of a turtle. This is one of the great ancient world myths, found wherever men and turtles were gathered together; the four elephants were an Indo-European sophistication....

Vimes shook some lather off the blade. “Hah! I bet they have. Tell me, Willikins, did you fight much when you were a kid? Were you in a gang or anything?””I was privileged to belong...

Vimes was already lost. Oh, there was the sun, but that was just a direction. He could feel it on the side of his face. And the camel rocked from side to side. There was...

Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time alleyways of The Shades was suicide. Asking for a short in a dwarf bar...

The barricade was taking some while to dismantle. Chair legs and planks and bedsteads and doors and baulks of timber had settled into a tangled mass. Since every piece belonged to someone, and Ankh-Morpork people...

Susan stared at him.The blue glow in Death’s eyes gradually faded, and as the light died it sucked at her gaze so that it was dragged into the eye sockets and into the darkness beyond……which...

Winder’s mind felt even fuzzier than it had done over the past few years, but he was certain about cake. He’d been eating cake, and now there wasn’t any. Through the mists he saw it,...

I thought dwarfs loved gold,” said Angua.”They just say that to get it into bed.

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.”That’s just fantasy,’ said Twoflower.’I know. That’s the trouble.’ Rincewind sighed again.

Upstairs, in what had been until then the cash office, Young Sam slept peacefully in a makeshift bed. One day, Vimes hoped, he would be able to tell him that on one special night he’d...

We did Rat Surprise last night for the Sons of Bloodaxe annual dinner,” he said. There was a general groan. “And it was rat.” He raised his voice against the complaining. “You can’t use anything...

On the Kite, the situation was being ‘workshopped’. This is the means by which people who don’t know anything get together to pool their ignorance.

He sat down on the turf, relishing the breeze through the gorse bushes and sucking in pure fresh air. Whatever you thought about goblins, their cave had the kind of atmosphere about which people say,...