He felt like a baked bean in a can, soaring through the air on a downward turn of a parabolic arc…

Linda’s presentation of the ‘facts’ had been so gruesome that the children left Alconleigh howling dismally, their nerves permanently impaired, their future chances of a sane and happy sex life much reduced.

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate’s clothes, but it didn’t make me Kate.

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

…some men say get them crying on your shoulder and you have the sheets half-unfurled already. Other fellows say get them laughing. I say get them drunk. I ordered up more Riesling…

Listen, I didn’t ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents’ DNA, I’ve got them, and I’m not ashamed to use ’em.

To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but that an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ

People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can’t

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

…his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was...

Tom. Tom, look at me. Has Nora agreed to marry you?””No, but she will because she has to.

He finds himself bored by the shenanigans of highly spirited young men. Their concerns reside somewhere between balder and dash.

Rhett: If you’ve made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction.

But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror’s defeat.

Racism was not a problem on the DIscworld, because – what with trolls and dwarfs and so on – speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

reading”.

Qadir waded out of the water next, the chestnut mare calm under his touch, and Silus raised a disgusted eyebrow.‘There’s no justice. Not only the best horseman I’ve met in this whole bloody country, but...

Naw, I say. Mr ____, can tell you, I don’t like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I...

Yes, that is the official term.

It’s good to write badly. Things can only get better.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, maybe you’re not funny

Life is like a one rung ladder, some days you can be on the top and bottom of the world at the same time

There! Now we’re friends!” declared the minx. “Say you’re sorry about my sister -“”I am desolated!””That’s a good boy!

First I was decayed, I was putrefied. Kept thinking I could never live on, now that I had died…

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

Unfortunately it’s also true to say that good management is a bit like oxygen – it’s invisible and you don’t notice its presence until it’s gone, and then you’re sorry.

Pops added,”you know, they say if you don’t vote, you get the government you deserve.””And if you do, you never get the results you expected,” (Katherine) replied.

She was a gardener of the ruthless type, and went for any small green thing that incautiously showed a timid spike above the earth, suspecting it of being a weed. She had had a slight...

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

Karo kann sehr gut schießen. Sie trifft nur nicht immer.

Never did she find anything so difficult as to keep herself from losing her temper when she was suddenly disturbed while absorbed in a book.

well done, Derry”? I am disappointed in you, William Pole. There’s not many men could have pulled this off in such a time, but I have, haven’t I? The French looked for foxes and found...

Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

If you cannot laugh frequently and genuinely, you have no soul.

A halo is a cock ring for the soul.

My name is Mr Bread.” He began writing his name neatly on the board. “But you can call me Peter.”Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.”Pita Bread!” proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the...

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

If it’s God you’re worried about, the Lord Jesus said that we needn’t keep to the old ways anymore. They had their day years ago.

Rhiannon’s Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.””Dustoff? You’re going to run away from three guys?””No, I’m going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

Everybody’s drunk. Ben drunk. Lacey drunk. Radar drunk. Nobody drive. Home by six. Promised Mom. Boo, Sleepy Quentin! Yay, Designated Driver! YESSSS!

It’s unwise to pay too much, but it’s worse to pay too little. Whenyou pay too much, you lose a little money – that’s all. When you paytoo little, you sometimes lose everything, because the...

Grandma’s house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die.