I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.

I couldn’t throw a basketball through a hula-hoop, but I could drink coffee through a fishing net. But why do that when I’d rather fish with a thermos?

Perhaps not,” said Will, who had ears like a bat’s. “But I would make a radiant bride.

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.

Well, that’s just a waste of perfectly good bourbon if you ask me.

Oh, look at that, he’s heard of me. My fame grows.

I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is.” Summer says. “Yeah, I agree,” said August. “Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all...

Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?

If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the...

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Evelyn: There’s nothing wrong with embracing one’s emotions.Brittany: Mom, You don’t just embrace your emotions, you make love to them hard-core.

Um, uh, gah.

At the end of the day” to bed.

Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.

Too bad the buttons on my shirt don’t operate the elevator at work. If they did, maybe I wouldn’t have taken off my pants and taken the stairs.

No. In fact, he was hard to shake. He, uh, stalked me, that kind of thing. I had to pretend he didn’texist.”Nicolai kissed her temple and relaxed against her.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

I steal sleep. I steal it from people who are asleep, because it’s not like they’ll even notice anything’s been taken until it’s too late—or too early.

The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?

If we are going to start calling industrial corn sustainable, then we might as well say that petroleum is a renewable resource if you’re willing to wait long enough.

As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.

My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

…the chapters on whaling in MOBY DICK can be omitted by all but the most punishment-loving readers.

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.

Oh, look, there are jobs available in Jacksonville! Today there are two jobs for me and 1.2 million other people in this city to choose from. I can either go into the advertising industry by...

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement.

A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

I can smell a whisper from two secret admirers away. Of all the Men’s rooms, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into this one.

As rain began to fall, Aldric worried the old machines would not be able to survive the weather. “Hand me that oil can!” he shouted to Siomon.Magic machines need oil?” asked Simon.Of course they need...

I have seen many cases like N. during the five years I’ve been in practice. I sometimes picture these unfortunates as men and women being pecked to death by predatory birds. The birds are invisible...

My parents didn’t grow up here or anything. They chose to live in this nowhere town. Why? Because it was named after Hannibal of Carthage. Their basic train of thought was this: Hannibal’s Rest? And...

I’m not a treasure hunter—I’m a treasure farmer. I grow quotes, and each person like Tim Fargo who tweets me is a thrill no shipwreck can match.

Yeah, it’s just me and my trash can here,” as I patted its lid and started pushing it up the driveway.

World’s worst writer.” If you’re wondering why I rate all my work one star, it’s because the rating system doesn’t have a zero star option, or better yet, go into negative numbers.

Can I have a glass of water?” Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She’d always sounded like that after they’d-He didn’t just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a...

You have some balls.”Frankie hated that expression, ever since Zada had pointed out to her that it equates courage with the male equipment…

As Hazel marched down the hill, she cursed in Latin. Percy didn’t understand all of it, but he got son of a gorgon, power-hungry snake, and a few choice suggestions about where Octavian could stick...

Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?””I give.””You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there’s...

At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m also always half in love, from my waist down.

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that’s even worse

Plus as she put it, Prince Eric was far too hairy and peach colored for her taste. I always thought he was pretty hott, but then again, I am a mammal.

If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out even half the “Fuck you” signs in the world. It’s impossible.

(Nicholas)”Am I dead?”An odd question, but then she rememberd her mourning attire. “No sir, you are not.”He relaxed a moment, then turned his head slightly as if searching for other passengers. His brows dived in...

Abraham,” he said. “I’m pleased to see you alive, old friend.””And I to see you dead.

Four walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.