Let’s just say that once the party was over, the Tribe had the decency to put most of the things back into place with the possible, and otherwise notable, exception of the platypus and a...

Erasing is exercise for the hands

I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!

You’re walking funny,” Lucy said, a shit-eating grin on her face. Five days of out of this world sex with a starving man could do that to a girl.”You’re just jealous.” Brenna pushed through the...

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You’re incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou’re a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.

Another family crisis: The rabbit goes blind.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

Yep, I was so mature, I decided I would just have to reward myself by doing the naked lambada with a Federal Agent.

You’ll like it less when you hear what they’ve been building. It’s a big raised platform at the end of the square about two metres above the ground, with steps running up to it.”Like a...

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

On a unicycle, my tire will tire before I do. I ride for charity. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy a bicycle.

Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

How do you feel, Georgie?” whispered Mrs. Weasley.George’s fingers groped for the side of his head.”Saintlike,” he murmured.”What’s wrong with him?” croaked Fred, looking terrified. “Is his mind affected?””Saintlike,” repeated George, opening his eyes and...

Felicity,” Mrs. Featherington interurupted, “why don’t you tell Mr. Brdgerton about your watercolors?”For the life of him, Colin couldn’t imagine a less interesting topic (except maybe for Phillipa’s watercolors), but he nonetheless turned to the...

I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)

As an Odd-Fish, it is not my job to be right,’ said Sir Oort. ‘It is my job to be wrong in new and exciting ways.

When you can’t make it, just fake it

Did you like question ten, Moony?” asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall.”Loved it,” said Lupin briskly. “Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question.””D’you think you managed to get all the...

he is your special friend.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

GUYS! Would you give it a rest?” Kevin shouted at them, “You’re standing there feeding off each other! Dad – you’re trying to prove to Ted why me and Dani are a Bad Thing –...

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

We did make use, from time to time, of candles, neckties, scarves, shoelaces, a little water-color paintbrush, her hairbrush, butter, whipped cream, strawberry jam, Johnson’s Baby Oil, my Swedish hand vibrator, a fascinating bead necklace...

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Roger said, ‘I don’t know about having a shrink around all the time. Are you analyzing me right now?’Sophie rolled her eyes. ‘How original. No, I’m not analyzing you. It’d take a whole team of...

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

I have an erection like a congressman—it just won’t quit.

Everybody’s drunk. Ben drunk. Lacey drunk. Radar drunk. Nobody drive. Home by six. Promised Mom. Boo, Sleepy Quentin! Yay, Designated Driver! YESSSS!

First rule of thievery,’ Eli said, grinning, ‘only run if you’re not coming back.’ (…) ‘First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.’ Miranda rolled her eyes. ‘How many ‘first rules’ of thievery...

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants...

Before I had kids, I always found it funny how people would talk about their children like they were the cutest things on the planet and how every little thing they did was endlessly fascinating....

Right now it’s 77 degrees—even if you’re a dyslexic.

This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.

Qualities of a Good Nurse: Go,” I said.”1. Doesn’t pun on your disability,” Isaac said.”2. Gets blood on the first try,” I said.”Seriously, that is huge. I mean is this my freaking arm or a...

What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean,” she said.

How in the name of Merlin’s pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

Writing is like giving yourself homework, really hard homework, every day, for the rest of your life. You want glamorous? Throw glitter at the computer screen.

I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

I didn’t feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

Sorry,” I said to the Duke.”Eh, it’s not your fault. It’s Carla’s fault. You were turning the wheel. Carla just wasn’t listening. I knew I shouldn’t have loved her. She’s like all the others, Tobin;...

The termination; final chapter of endless road.

I row…a-uh-boat…with-uh-my teammates.” Superb! Just-uh-superb.

A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still,...

God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I’m being this stupid! (Ron)

Life is a huge farce, and the advantage of possessing a sense of humour is that it enables one to defy fate with mocking laughter.

I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.