A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

You can’t save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can’t save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy...

We’re good for each other. You give me what I need. I give you what you need. No one needs to know what that is because it’s a secret between us. So we put on...

She’s young and beautiful, which is twice as good as old and ugly. Some people are both, and some people are both.

All right,” Mom said. She gave Samuel a stern look,”Now I don’t know what’s going on between you and my daughter and Adam Hauptman-“”Neither do we,” I mutteredSamuel grinned “We have it pretty well worked...

Is this Clarissa Fray?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. “Yeees?””Hi, I’m one of the knife-carrying hooligans you...

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

And then, anger gave way to pure and simple job satisfaction. I mean, when I looked at a dead zombie head on a spike, I thought, “Hey, I did that. Picasso would have been proud....

I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same way, methodically and over the course of several months.

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

New rules. If you are smart enough to live, you won’t hit Charles’s mate in front of his father.

Where’s Simon?” Clary interrupted.Isabelle wobbled. “He’s a rat,” she said darkly.Did he do something to you?” Alec was full of brotherly concern. “Did he touch you? If he tried anything-“No, Alec,” Isabelle said irritably. “Not...

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

One will abide, and will confess that another is nobler than he, that another is richer, more handsome, and even that he is more learned, but that another is richer in reason scarcely any will...

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

You didn’t have to come after me.””Yes, I did,” he said. “You’re far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me.””That’s sweet. Maybe I’ll forgive you.””Forgive me? Fro what?””Fro telling me to...

I wear my cat like a purring fur coat. Love is such a warm feeling, no?

I didn’t dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits’? Does he provide her with health insurance?

With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d change is her.

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

An eternity of wishing to speak directly to my Creator – I thought in despair – and this is how He finally contacts me? Through AOL Instant Messenger?

I told her to wait for me. She asked how long. I told her eight inches.

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.

The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

New Rule: There’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate...

I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.

We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.

Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might receive on my Alien Communication Helmet. And after we receive and decode the...

The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything.

I remembered Father remarking once that if rudeness was not attributable to ignorance it could be taken as a sure sign that one was speaking to a member of the aristocracy.

Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves....

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

New Rule: If you’re one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog’s...

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape!...

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

Instead of rolling out the red carpet, what about a cherry Fruit Roll-Up? Sometimes celebrity is a path you have to eat in retreat.

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

When it comes to Jews, you have a two-thousand-year memory, but when it comes to us Palestinians, you have a sixty-year amnesia.

Yes, we have different viewpoints represented among us,” she continued. “Yes, we have a displacer in our number, and a half giant, and a seedman who publicly disgraced us.””She’s talking about you,” Drake muttered to...

I don’t want you to do anything.-Well then I won’t do anything. -Thank you. -Doing nothing, it’s the least I can do.

We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and...

It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.