A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling with any dead animal you find on the side of the highway. (Which...

The three species of pine native to Wisconsin (white, red and jack) differ radically in their opinions about marriageable age. The precocious jackpine sometimes bloom and bears cones a year or two after leaving the...

People who discriminate understand that they are a stranger to others.

This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me…only he’s an imbecile.

Um, she’ll take your number if you’re single

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness

Well,’ I said. ‘I could strip off my clothes and reveal to you that under my jeans and sweatshirt I’m actually wearing a tank top and short-shorts, much like Lara Croft from Tomb Raider…only mine...

I didn’t feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

A king may rule the kingdom but the queen still moves the board.

Lampaxa Vorheridine? My Latin was never very good. What does that Translate to?” “Um, nothing. It wasn’t named by an Earth scientist. According to the database it was named by a Cheblookan aboard a frieghter...

John Wesley’s own grave holds the bones of many other people, including at least five ministers. One can only imagine the bickering.

A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still,...

Whatever story you’re telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, “and then everything burst into flames.

Loud ringing noises, I’ve discovered, upset Mr.Peepers.

I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.

Know your load. That’s rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I’m not going to be the schmuck...

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.

I have no regrets. Just original grets.

DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won’t go free.APOLLORelax, I’m not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you’re...

How are you feeling?”I leaned away from him. “Gross.”Aiden frowned. “Gross?””I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don’t come near me.”He laughed. “Alex, come on.””Seriously, I’m gross.” I put my hand...

If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither?

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to...

So what if I don’t learn algebra?”Someday schools will be open again,’ Mom said. ‘Things will be normal. You need to do your work now for when that happens.”That’s never going to happen,’ Jon said....

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.

N-not much. You know, reanimated corpses chasing me on a cruise ship. Same old.

It was a family joke that Lydia’s domestic tendencies were somehow misplaced when she was created.

When searching for a missing person, I’ll canvas the area. Like a painter. I make love like Bob Ross, only your happy tree is happier, and I’ll keep your coffee warm—in my stomach.

The next morning I had Twentieth-Century American Poetry at MCC. This old woman gave a lecture wherein she managed to talk for ninety minutes about Sylvia Plath without ever once quoting a single word of...

Alright. You hate me, I’m not too fond of you. It’s mutual…” he muttered, walking hesitantly toward the stallion, hand outstretched, “I know you want to bite my hand off, but I swear I have...

Dead. Never been that before. Not even once.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

People could call them ‘Jacks’ for short.” Nicole added to the conversation.

John shrugged. “It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep.”Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. “Really? I would have thought you’d prefer such a...

I suggest you give up now. According to my research, in a vampire-werewolf love triangle, the vampire always gets the girl.

And if Germans do have systematic minds, this is just as likely to be because their exceedingly erratic mother tongue has exhausted their brains’ capacity to cope with any further irregularity

I don’t ask writers about their work habits. I really don’t care. Joyce Carol Oates says somewhere that when writers ask each other what time they start working and when they finish and how much...

It’s like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

I stare at Hans. Hans is shaped like an industrial-sized refrigerator. His hands are like cinder blocks.He should not be afraid of a little thing like the ocean.

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there’s nothing sensible you can do with it.

All I’m trying to say is that if you’re not willing to observe this, if you’re just going to condemn it, you’re never going to see it. It’s there, whether you like it or not....

Through the machine I want access to Agatha’s mind. What machine? The Orafoura Gigometer Dream Accesser 4000 (The Utopian version, not the Bensalem edition).

Have a little sociological beano. As you said – in sociology one can do anything and call it work.

Are the two of you quite done with your sweet nothings? Because I might vomit.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical.