When words come out of your mouth, do your ears just block all incoming sound waves?

To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader.”- Capt. Bligh(ret.)

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

Humor is heartbreak in reverse.

Cara waggled a hand over the two of them. “It works better with your clothes off.”Richard frowned. His voice came as a hoarse croak. “What?”She seemed mystified by the question. “I believe you will find...

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains.

To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

He makes it sound so Zen. Or Jedi. Like some kind of Wolf Yoda. There is no try. And maybe that’s all there is to it. Don’t over-think the shift. Just embrace the form that...

Dopóki nie skorzystałem z Internetu, nie wiedziałem, że na świecie jest tylu idiotów

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I’m no expert, no natural-born talent, definitely no guru. As you’ll soon learn, only through a colossal experiment in trial and error did I reach the sexual summit. Although I own up to having worn...

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you’re not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

Fine!’ she snapped, the desperation to have him growing exponentially now. ‘I missed you. Only you. No man could ever make me feel like you do. I’m ruined for all others. I renamed all my...

I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag

Trying to corral the suburban stampede with a bunch of school buses was like herding cats. Actually, it was worse than herding cats. It was herding white people, earth’s only species with a greater sense...

Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

Rockwood didn’t have a movie theater or an IHOP or a strip mall. But it did have two churches, a ramshackle bar, and last (but certainly not least) Wacky Willie’s Deluxe Goofy Golf, a barren...

Texting depersonalizes communication, rendering human interaction one dimensional. But there are downsides to texting too.

Sorry.

If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.

I think we should wean Grandma.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand so I don’t appear as if I want to start Roger Bannistering a...

I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.

Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?” I asked Leif.”She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-“”Kill me? You can join the ‘I Want to Kill...

Without death Death is dead

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.

I keep a list of our differences. The good news is there’s only one item. The bad news is that the one item reads: Everything.

Tut, Tut, looks like rain

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

My skyscraper of a heart met an earthquake of a woman. Why can’t I meet a simple window washer? My love is a hundred stories tall—and I wrote every single one of those stories.

Latin is already a dead language, man… don’t make it any deader.

He claimed that nearby gun thunder cleared the mind – but most everybody else agreed it made you daft.

I am a log, and last night I slept like a person.

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

I am the Zero Zoo. See the empty cage that is my heart. I’d like to imprison your love there.

You’re not leaving me behind. Or I’ll do a spell to make you smell like ass. Forever.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.

PDR: Persons of Dubious Reality; refugees from the collective consciousness. Uninvited visitors who have fallen through the grating that divides the real, from the written. They arrive with their actions hardwired due to their repetitious...

My girl didn’t step out on me. She just stood in the doorway and wouldn’t close the door.

Brunch is such an odd thing. It was created by fat, lazy people who were too lazy to wake up at a reasonable hour and too fat to wait until the next proper time for...