A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

Sherry Carroll is a real life Penny Lane and one wonders if she hasn’t got Cameron Crowe or Lester Bangs hidden somewhere in her suburban basement.

I act delighted, but I have zero interest in these Capitol people. They are only distractions from the food.

I peel cats like I pet oranges. And I often snuggle with watermelons, sometimes with the intent of making love.

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 different ways to do it wrong.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most...

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Wisdom of the Ages “Assault and Battery” Weather forecast for the St. Louis Rams next Sunday in Seattle.

I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.

And she swung the old oar at him with all her strength.It hit with a great thwack, splintering in two, and he went over the side, into the dark, cold waters of the lake, sinking...

He lies on the couch all day watching television. I admire his classic American ambition. He’s probably a better lover than me.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

You do have that effect on people.

Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that’s how people grow up.

YOU FEAR TO DIE?”It’s not that I don’t want… I mean, I’ve always…it’s just that life is a habit that’s hard to break…

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that it is thus my own fault when these people I have been talking about finally stop saying “Ah” and tell me it’s a pity I always do such...

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

Secret 7591037. Anything they can do to you, they can do for you; and anything they can do for you, they can do to you.

Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love.

It’s so shameful of me: I like you.

The young man who stood there was the handsomest mad Rand had ever seen, almost too handsome for masculinity.

Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.

I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.

I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where she hadn’t laughed.

What exactly did having needs mean, while he was on the subject? That Delaney needed to have sex? that she craved an orgasm? And if that were the case, why couldn’t she just take care...

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Why don’t you find out for yourself?Then you’ll see the glass, hidden in the grass.

Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.

The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to shape up, they should be imprisoned. Nothing is healthier for society than more...

Getting drunk was good. I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe. If you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn’t become obvious yourself.

That’s where I went to buy my last watch.

Don’t show me the before and after. Show me the before before and after after.

Hey, even pencils can get the job done—I’ve heard the moaning from your room to prove it.

A lecture has been well described as the process whereby the notes of the teacher become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either.

The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can’t have more than one king, and tradition demands that there...

A whore Ailean may have been, but a loving, caring whore who adored his offspring and mate.

All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks.

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I’ve always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out...

He glared at Mr. Diddley’s yellow-toothed smile, and thought how he’d like to shove a toothbrush in his mouth and teach him how to use it.

(About a cookbook…)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor…but they ends up Tarts.

I’m male. I have no idea what you females are thinking.

I am becoming morbidly obese as we speak. So what’s the solution? To stop talking.

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.