I mean, electric shock? Isn’t that a bit… electric shock-y?

Never under estimate the power of words. I believe my pen may actually be the sword helping me to break through black shatter proof glass that’s been standing between me and my brighter past.~PoetQs

preemptive strike n.A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one’s plot for world domination.

Oompow,” which I would translate for you but it’s devastatingly embarrassing.

If hitting an unexpected speed bump with your car equates to the best sex you’ve had lately, you know your hormones are sending you a signal.

There is not a man of common sense who would not chuse to be agreeable in company; and yet, strange as it may seem, very few are

I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

You can’t really yell at your boyfriend for stealing your seat and your best friend. You also can’t yell at your best friend for stealing your boyfriend. Or you can…but Hi seemed like a much...

You poor dear! Imagine having to wear Mark’s trousers! He’s a lovely lad, but I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. God only knows who’s been in them!

If life is a game… I need new dice!

I knew something was there, precisely because I hadn’t found anything and the space seemed empty. That’s also how I’m searching for love.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

I tried all kinds of approaches: sexy, friendly, intimidating—nothing worked. I’m starting to think there’s an invisible force field that prevents honest communication between X and Y chromosomes.

To Mr. Blot, who went through life an unconscious example of the raison d’être of the British Empire, a shipwreck was merely one of the many things to be ignored. His was a calming influence.

My Love Machine is tough. It’s built like a tank. At night I’m romantic and so Sun Tzu I’m Moon Tzu. Come, let me make you howl.

Here Mickey, smell this and see if it’s still good,” and I open it and take a whiff before noticing the fuzz. Like that.

Children inherit their parents’ madness.

After a dream like that, you’re grateful that it was just a dream, that no matter how bad your actual life, it couldn’t be worse than your dream life.

Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.

I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.

Quotes are echos of voices transporting wisdom, humor, and love. Returning again to the human condition, fleeting once more as a dove.

I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

Will speechless for once, a glass of water frozen halfway to his lips

Ethan: “You think I’m a hero?”Beth: “Yes.”Ethan: “But lousy husband material?” Like that really mattered to him.Beth: “Don’t sweat it. So was Superman.

I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.

Nothing is more romantic than being able to park in a handicapped spot.”

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers… only they don’t critique me and then get up for coffee.

The best part about a murder mystery dinner, of course, is the dinner. I make a killer Bubble and squeak, if you know what I mean. The mystery, of course, is what’s in the dinner.

My friends never seem to yell at their kids. Even when their kids are behaving hideously, they pull them aside and say, now sweetie, you know you shouldn’t, blah, blah, blah. Please don’t yadda, yadda,...

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.

My name is Sam (my name is Am), and I am my own fan. I’m a clone of Jarod Kintz, and he supports my message.

The cave exploded with the sound of trumpets.A heavenly choir began to sing.A surge of power ran up the sword into Henry’s hand.A voice thundered through the cavern. “Whosoever Pulleth The Sword From Out The...

It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time for close to twenty-five years.

If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog’s ear, don’t sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.

You are putting yourself in serious danger…’I think that I preferred to put myself in serious danger rather than confront my shame. My shame at not having become someone, the shame of not having made...

When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto...

I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.

So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

I’m clingy like clang on pots. My love is cookable.

She was of traditional build herself, but her figure was largely concealed by the folds of a generously cut shift dress made out of a flecked green fabric. It was like a tent, thought Mma...

Going to church is not a sign of going to God, if you think he is omnipresent, he is right there in your soul and bedroom.

Paranoia is habitual. If you get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner, then you’ll EXPECT to get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner.

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink...

When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first taking off my bunny ears.

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?