I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

YOU’RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said.That’s what being alive is all about.

Not all tongues that wag cohabit with a brain.

Are you okay? You seem …soggy.””Soggy?””Yes.” Heather nodded. “Like you’re a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.

If I were in Steve Prefontaine’s shoes, I’d have done the same thing he did. Except for all that running. I wouldn’t have done that.

It’s a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn’t his first, and wouldn’t be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he...

Yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay.

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.

I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted...

His name was Chase, so of course I ran after him. I wasn’t stalking, I was giving name.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

She ought to be thrilled.

Advice is bullshit. It’s just one asshole’s opinion.

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given...

There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.

I must confess that most modern mysticism seems to me to be simply a method of imparting useless knowledge in a form that no one can understand

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

I don’t need anything to get high. I’m high on life.

Victor eyed the glistening tubes in the tray around Dibbler’s neck. They smelled appetizing. They always did. And then you bit into them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for...

I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Danger is the most dangerous word, because it encompasses all the dangerous words like gun, killer, etc.

For the first time I realized I could be more than a crawling little pile of bones and flesh in a onesie.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!

Yes! I’m me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don’t understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books...

Something’s different about Mr. Different. The same can’t be said about Ms. Same. The two would make the best lovers, but that’s impossible, because I’m the best lover.

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

Love can come shooting out of nowhere, much like semen shoots out a penis. Too many lives come to an end—and begin—from random shootings.

Secret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you’re probably wasting your time.

Don’t you know it?

I’m a kindhearted but highly competitive pragmatist. When I seek to win something, I always make certain it’s never at the expense of anything more serious than the inadequate efforts of others.

How hard can writing be? After all, most of the words are going to be ‘and,’ ‘the,’ and ‘I,’ and ‘it,’ and so on, and there’s a huge number to choose from, so a lot...

I’m growing fonder of my staff; I’m growing dimmer in my eyes; I’m growing fainter in my laugh; I’m growing deeper in my sighs; I’m growing careless of my dress; I’m growing frugal of my...

I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no...

I prefer love songs to any other form of torture.

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

…If you’d like to go back in there and try kicking him, I recommend aiming upward and a bit to the left–

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now.

This is a lovely party,” said the Bursar to a chair, “I wish I was here.

If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and instead of answering, she went to sleep for eight hours.

Stop!” Don’t stop loving me—stop and love me.

I knew I was in love because I had butterflies in my stomach. Also in there I had flowers, a few rainbows, and leftover unicorn from the bbq the day before.

All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.