I’ll never forget my time with her. The two of us made love like three lawn chairs—the kind that fold up.

Peace be with you,” I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, “and asskicking be with me.

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross?

Cottage cheese, broken down into its simplest form, is milk that has been curdled to mimic the cellulite its consumption is meant to banish.

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old...

A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.

Magda was reading a book by a Trappist, in a better mood, and I was sitting on the edge of the bed, fingering my useless map.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It’s just that you sounded so…twat-ish just then.

I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.

I do not,” I felt oddly appalled by her statement. “I’m an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.

You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man!

Don’t scream out my name in bed. Scream out random fractions instead.

Nice to meet you, Dick,” Drew retorted.

I had a dream about you, and in the dream you were dreaming of me. We were meant for each other subconsciously.

A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn’t leave me for someone prettier.

Are you okay? You seem …soggy.””Soggy?””Yes.” Heather nodded. “Like you’re a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn’t his first, and wouldn’t be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he...

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by...

When asked about sex, she said she had a headache. I said I have a pill for that. It’s called a Viagra, & I’d be willing to take it for her.

If you make some comment even obliquely alluding to menstruation or menopause and its effect on my judgment,” Murphy interrupted, “I will break your arm in eleven places.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted...

She ought to be thrilled.

Non mi piacciono i matrimoni combinati. Ci sono sbagli dei quali non bisognerebbe mai poter incolpare i propri poveri genitori.

My hobby is boxing up all my stuff and then unpacking it and pretending I just moved and I’m getting a fresh start on life. And I make love like a professional boxer, only without...

In some stories, it’s easy. The moral of “The Three Bears,” for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.” The moral of “Snow White” is “Never eat apples.” The moral of World War One...

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren’t even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were “really there”.

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my...

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

I make love like others make money. You’ve got to spend money to make money, right? If not, then why am I paying for sex?

When I pass the bar, you’ll be barred from bars but put behind them.

In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily...

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

Sex!” She must be one freaky nymphomaniac, because everything she says is carefully designed to get me thinking about sex.

You don’t find a masked man wielding a gun interesting? Tell me…what do you find interesting then-Matt Carter

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

Don’t you know it?

If you jotted down all of my ill-thought out comments, you could write a book entitled, Guide to Getting Punched in the Throat for Boneheads-Mad Hatter in “Death of the Mad Hatter” (Coming Soon!)

Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.