I haven’t trusted my car since I bought a horse. I just can’t talk to my car like I can Mr. Needles. Cowboys make better lovers. Or so I hear—not that I’d know from personal...

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened....

You have no idea how crazy I am, I should be wearing yellow Caution tape, I’m that bonkers.

Doors open up for you when you work hard. Doors also open up for you when you walk with a limp and act gimpy.

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?

Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you’ve never noticed, the dead are always on time.

When I make love, I always wear protection. I wear mittens.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

She believed being so free with her sexuality was empowering, but I wouldn’t say taking home a douchebag who would laugh about the encounter with his friend later is a step forward in the feminist...

That night when we made love, she saw a side of me she’d never seen—the left side.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

Do I look like I want to be eaten alive after sex?

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

His Majesty needs a can-I girl anyway. And I’m not it.””A can-I girl?” Andrea frowned. I leaned back. “‘Can I fetch your food, Your Majesty? Can I tell you how strong and mighty you are,...

One thing led to another. That was the only way to explain how Arnold Brinkman, who considered both professional sports and young children unjustifiable, had ended up at Yankee Stadium with a nine-year-old boy.

For God’s sake, don’t let her watch Cinderella. What kind of example is that? A mindless twit who can’t even remember where she left her damn shoe, so she has to wait for some douchebag...

My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

I knew you had it in you, kitty.”(Venom & Sorrow)

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

There were still few rules at Down House, and Charles was not very good at enforcing the ones he and Emma did make. This was well known among his children. In 1855, when Lenny was...

He reached up t0 grab one and came down with several, and they kept coming, washing over him, floating all around him. Never have tampon strings seemed so beautiful as they rolled up and down...

I’m afraid the ——shire Teslas are ascant three centuries in these parts, having constructed Tesla Hall inthe reign of Queen Elizabeth.We are a restless people, and no doubtwill be moving on again any century now.

Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?

A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so long as people can tell it’s a snake.

No. No more surprises. No more secrets. Or so help me, I will rip off your own leg and beat you with it.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

If my clone were a painter, he’d be an impressionist.

This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don’t touch me—oh, god!

Basically, Sherri’s idea had to do with bringing Fat’s mind down from the cosmic and the abstract to the particular. She had hatched out the practical notion that nothing is more real than a large...

1. Reading becomes knowledge.2. Applying knowledge becomes experience.Most people have done 1 but they forget 2. These people blow too much without effective result.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

Do we secretly idolize our imagined opposites, yearning to become the role models for others we know we could never be for ourselves?

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird,...

Harris, as he occasionally explains to George and to myself, has daughters of his own, or, to speak more correctly, a daughter, who as the years progress will no doubt cease practising catherine wheels in...

Paying attention is more important to reliability than moving slowly. Because he pays close attention, a Navy pilot can land a 40,000 lb. aircraft at 140 miles per hour on a pitching carrier deck, at...

Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

If someone said ‘diametrically,’ could ‘opposed’ be far behind?

I had a feeling that Harvey wore his shotgun around the house like a pair of holey underwear.

I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we could, because I make love buffet style.

Well, really, how would you like to make love with someone who kept twittering about his pure mystic modality and wanted to stick flowers in your navel?

Shakespeare used the word ‘flush’ to indicate plenty of money. Well, just remember there was only one Shakespeare, and he was the only one that had a right to use that word in that sense...

The best gift is one that’s paid for by the recipient. My love for you is for sale.

You weren’t being thick after all — you were showing moral fiber!

When they reached the stairs, he didn’t make her climb them herself. He picked her up in his arms and carried her to the big bathroom off their bedroom. He didn’t speak, his expression didn’t...

My mother always used to say, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.

You are your mother’s trueborn son of Lannister.””Am I?” the dwarf replied, sardonic. “Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he’s never been sure.””I don’t even know who my mother was,”...