The English, by and large, being a crass and indolent race, were not as keen on burning women as other countries in Europe.

Why’s it so sunny?” she repeated.Zooey observed her rather narrowly. “I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy,” he said.

When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

I know how to handle a sword, a gun, and a kangaroo pouch stuffed with marshmallows. You should fear me.

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Something you killed didn’t stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin.

Preferably with my car.

Aye, Sir. Course laid in” is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.

My tears are salty. I shouldn’t eat potato chips while drinking my Cry Water, because it only makes me thirstier for your love.

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.

It is the east, and Juliet is a jerk!

My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a...

I kept trying to explain and he kept shouting until I began to cry from frustration. Then he felt remorseful, which was so unlike him and endearing that I almost changed my mind and said...

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.

I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.

Too much coffee has been spilled in the name of war. Let us love and savor every drop.

There is never another one of you in exactly the same spot you are in right now, so give yourself a break and release blame from the past so you can be free to move...

Charlene says:I hope I can be a star. I want to be able to set goals so I know where I’m going. It feels like I’ve been sort of floating around without being sure where...

Lucy: I don’t feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.James: You say that like I should be concerned about...

Just because your plate is empty, doesn’t mean your stomach is full. Same with love. Where’s the Romance Buffet?

Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor.

Maybe is the lovechild of No and Yes. We should make love. I’ll be the No, you’ll be the Yes, and maybe I won’t call the cops but will call you again sometime.

All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are that everybody is not going to have the same ideals. Unless everybody gets...

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

There is an old saying, or should be, that it is a wise economist who recognizes the scope of his own generalizations.

To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

I make things with my hands. Hands are made to make things, and hands are made to hold. With my hand I hold my other hand when I get lonely.

Apres moi le wreckage

All trademarks, company names, registered names, products, characters, mottos, logos, jingles and catchphrases used or cited in this work are the property of their respective owners and have only been mentioned and or used as...

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as...

Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.

She looks so serious. Why such a stern look? Oh yeah, somebody’s just been murdered. With all my diabolical laughter, I seem to have forgotten about that.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did...

He’s wearing his official university sweatshirt again, which puzzles me a little. I mean I’d sort of understand it more if it said Yale or Harvard or something, because then it would be a fashion...

I’m stubborn not stupid. There’s a fine line between the two. Stupid people think they’re right when they’re wrong. Stubborn people know they’re wrong but won’t admit it.

My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to me.

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

Snug pants, bandeau-type corset, and trim, motorcycle jacket. It was a fabulous outfit, but it was so urban-fantasy book cover

Well, I’d have more zing with George Clooney and Harrison Ford in a threesome, but neither of us are going to get that wish.

Baby girl, five minutes alone with me and you’re gonna be begging me to taste your pie.

I’m sorry ma’am, you appear to be suffering from a mild case of Pretty Pretty Princess syndrome. Have you ingested any magical woodland faeries recently?

I speak the language of love. I just have no idea what it means.

Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

Politicians give criminals a bad name. A bad name like a bad word like shit.

Sex had been amazing, but it wasn’t a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I’d picked up common sense.

I’d been called a freak, and worse, all through school. Now that I’d finally graduated, I was sick of it. I’d hoped that no one would ever call me names again. Oh well, if wishes...