Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn’t get any better than this.”You have low standards,’ Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. ‘If I had two hot girls in my...

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

She said she loves me. Not out loud, but in her mind she said it. I heard it with my heart, telepathically.

The fact that mammalian crying serves as a cue for maternal support, rather than as a dinner bell, is a major evolutionary difference.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

A brick could be used as a medallion on the end of a necklace, much like human testicles aren’t used. It’s a shame, really, because when you think of all things dangly, male genitals drop...

I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there’s the size-doesn’t-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem…and what do women have to worry about?...

What’s a philosopher?’ said Brutha.Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,’ said a voice in his head.

I’ll drink your champagne. I’ll drink every drop of it, I don’t care if it kills me.

A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word – nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and...

One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)

I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself.

People need hope Michael, as much as they need a leader. You and Gabe are the answer to both of those things. You’ll lead the people of earth to victory and Gabe will give them...

My love is atonal. It sounds like a bodily function (walking, or sometimes running).

A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream.

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

Violet Lynn Parker, you’d better spill or I’ll start bellowing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you in my Bobcat Goldthwait voice.

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

You are blessed with luck, small one’, he told Harry. ‘Rejoice and give thanks – – someone wants you dead.

Wizards don’t believe in gods in the same way that most people don’t find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they’re there, they know they’re there for a purpose, they’d probably agree...

I had a dream about you. The blue sky matched the blue in your eyes, though you had a few more clouds in your irises. When you got sad, you didn’t cry—you rained, and that’s...

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

I feel like I’ve been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit

I told my father I was his dad. But I lied. He’s adopted.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Theaters” I think it is horribly unfair that children and old people get discounts, but blind people have to pay full price.

Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be...

My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that’s how I came to tell the two apart.

R u in?”

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

You spoke to Nicodemus?’ Vivian asked.[Francesca] ‘We did.’V: ‘And he trusts you?’F: ‘As much as one might after a first impression involving hatchets.

I want to be a dad. Sorry, I’m dyslexic. I meant to write dad.

There ain’t a body, be it mouse or man, that ain’t made better by a little soup.

Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldn’t trust it. Often you couldn’t even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else—coincidence, maybe, or providence. You...

The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.

I can talk to fish!” Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. “Ask one over for dinner,” Fang said, joining us.

You’re so vain, I bet you think this Special National Intelligence Estimate is about you.

Me Jev, you Nora.

I want to have negative three kids. Or three negative kids.

I could have blamed it on the intoxication of youth. Others might find fault on just intoxication. My parents would say that it was an act of plain stupidity. Reality would point out that it...