Don’t make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.

Beavers give a dam

I USED TOmake love.Now IMake coffee.

The stupidest people suddenly become a little cleverer when we learn that they think well of us

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.

A woman’s voice answered, “Hello?”Walter cried back at her, “Hello, oh Lord, hello!””This is a recording,” recited the woman’s voice. “Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message on the wire spool...

It’s a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

I did not become a runner to lose weight, I did it to escape my computer

The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides me. Of course they do have something else to talk about. They could always talk about the weather. But...

In this, then, lies their power of understanding–understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the...

When you’re the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

I like to search for class struggle in strange domains. For example it is clear that in classical Hollywood, the couple of vampires and zombies designates class struggle. Vampires are rich, they live among us....

Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor’s cap.Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne...

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn’t just sad and slow music. It’s a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the...

The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.

You need your beauty sleep for tomorrow”she tells us “don’t stay up too late talking”We ignore her of course.The whole point of a sleepover is to stay up too late talking.

True storyThis morning I jumped on my horseAnd went for a ride,And some wild outlaws chased meAnd shot me in the side.So I crawled into a wildcats caveTo find a place to hideBut some pirates...

I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to...

I hope your only rocky road is chocolate.

I’m sure I’ll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.

Make pizza, not war. No matter how you slice it, that’s wise.

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Why, on to the castle, to kill the royal family, and claim the throne that isn’t mine by right!

I believe in love at first sight, if both people are blind at the time they become smitten with each other.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

Darling, i wish someone would realize im not happy. im alone and in pain because of you leaving me and never coming home. im nothng compared to you but i feel like im everything better...

The sun would be better than a flashlight, except it doesn’t work at night. It probably needs to recharge its batteries from running all day.

A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone will want to splash ink on it and try to impregnate the minds...

Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ’s having healed his mother-in-law.

I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that...

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Don’t do something today you’ll regret for the next 10,000 tomorrows. No, you should have done that yesterday.

Life is like a double-blind experiment. And the Observer is the only One in on the Know.

What’s your name?””Emma Gould,” she said. “What’s yours?””Wanted.””By all the girls or just the law?

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

Who art thou, Art? Do you make art the way I make love—with a paintbrush?

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

Why does death have to stop #love? It doesn’t stop people from voting in Chicago.

I’ll never be the size that has single digits and my thighs will always touch when I walk but I’m ok with that.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

You will show that thing to me and from now on, I will deal with them.”I opened my eyes really wide and fluttered my eyelashes at him. “I’m sorry, I must’ve missed your coronation ceremony....

The covers of this book are too far apart.