Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.

The Theist tells us that the truth is god exists,the Atheist tells us that the truth is there is no god,while the truth tells us we don’t know.

Just like a woman to do things on her own time.

Between his dueling and military career, Jackson had been shot so many times that scholars says he “rattled like a bag of marbles” when he walked as a result of all of the never-removed bullets...

Ack!” I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that’s me.

I can’t believe you just said that!

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

office.” I like to think of my office as God’s cue ball. I’m calling in now, The Big Three’s hitting the two ball in the corner pocket.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.

The notion of children makes me ill. The thought of having one… when you see those guys in the supermarket, wheeling the trolley around while their brats whine and wheedle and some blundering sow questions...

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

I realized then what had happened.She had turned us–all of us, except for Mouse–into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.Wonderful!” Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. “Come, children!” And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble...

Please, don’t put us through that torture.

I don’t have a command for ‘stop wagging your tail’.

I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”(Letter 16, 1657)

Immy knocked on his open door. “Mr. Mallett?”The look on his narrow face was pained. “What’s with the Mr. Mallett? When you don’t call me Mike, it’s usually trouble.

When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that’s what my mechanic tells me.

No. See, when you throw up you’re vomiting, but when you throw down you’re starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet.””Ohhhh,” he said. “I thought you were speaking literally.””I do beg your pardon....

It’s going to be okay, Eric,” Urte said, helping me sit up. I shook my head. “Lying is my forte, Urte, not yours.” (Eric.)

He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it’s like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The...

…there is a celebrated aphorism insisting that the best way to live is to ‘work like you don’t need the money, dance like nobody is watching, and love like you’ve never been hurt.’…After years of...

Cookbooks, it should be stressed, do not belong in the kitchen at all. We keep them there for the sake of appearances; occasionally, we smear their pages together with vibrant green glazes or crimson compotes,...

Can’t live with ’em, can’t escape even by killing ’em.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

Change is good. Enjoy change.By that I don’t mean change all the time, you’re not a fucking traffic light.

What’s in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.

Max, you’re the last of the hybrids who still has…a soul.’ … ‘She doesn’t have soul,’ Gazzy scoffed. ‘Have you ever seen her dance?

The culture without children is forever immature, self-obsessed and rightous. They cannot help the high opinion they have of themselves; there’s no kids around to show them otherwise.

There is a reference in Aristotle to a gnat produced by larvae engendered in the slime of vinegar. This must have been Drosophila.

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody’s life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more...

We made love like two meows having their tails stepped on. There were three of us there, and I’ve always wondered: Who were those two other people?

One of the world’s most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer “a deck of cards” or “Anna Karenina” when the obvious answer is “a well equipped...

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.

So the first thing we’re gonna do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

It has long been my motto that if you cannot get your act together… then the very least you can do is try to make your act entertaining.

Like X-Box. And X-rated movies.

Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.

For everyone knows that a girl cannot live on chicken cordon blue alone.

I don’t know how you persist in being so stubborn-“”It’s a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.

A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself.

So many trees, so few chimneys.

If I could cook I wouldn’t have to study my ass off at school and I would have tried to find a man to support me as his lovely wife.

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

I like make-up sex. My imagination is so much more powerful than reality that it’s just better when I make it up.

You don’t have to be religious to hear God, you just have to be willing, and there’s a big difference between the two.

[Razo] knocked, peered inside, then jumped and shut the door, quiet as brushing two feathers together. He smiled at his own stealth, then swaggered right into a chair, banging it against the wall.You oaf. He...