It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don’t play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Room service? Send up a larger room.”[A Night at the Opera]

I’d never met coffee that wasn’t wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

The easiest way to get a girl you like to like you back is to initially tell her you’re gay, and then later be all like, I think I’m in love with you—I think you...

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants...

My tears have such an aerodynamic shape that I drink them to help me run faster. I’m running away from relationships.

Someday, my young friend, you’ll find out that girls are actually people too. Just like you and me.

Thank you,” Ben replied, looking modest.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It’s just that you sounded so…twat-ish just then.

Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

Kelley. Your name is Kelley, isn’t it?” He didn’t wait for her confirmation. “Yes. Well. Tell me…that bit just now…was that from Dante’s Inferno?”Uh…no,” Kelley stammered. Her face felt hot.Really?”I’m in for it.Are you sure?”...

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

Love is me plus you. But what’s with the midget in the corner recording all of our interactions? I thought I fired him yesterday.

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Everyone please stand behind the yellow line until the doors open. No food, drink, flash photography, or video cameras are permitted. Once aboard the ride, please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at...

I had a dream about you, and in the dream you were dreaming of me. We were meant for each other subconsciously.

I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.

You’re staring,” Lana said.”Yes. I am. I’m a teenage boy. Beautiful girls in wet underwear have a tendency to cause staring in teenage boys.

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal (Candler)

Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

This is the moment I have dreaded, the very reason why we kept running, even when it seemed hopeless. We all seemed to believe if we kept running, we would never die. But what exactly...

Rhode Island knows, but is Del aware?

The wheel is man’s greatest invention, and as such, unicycling is the world’s purest sport.

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It’s my...

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren’t even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were “really there”.

I had a dream about you. You were canned laughter, and I was a can of tomato paste. I was organic, but you were completely artificial. You thought people liked having you around, but I...

I’ve got a Don Baylor,” J.T. said.”California sucks this year.”Ralph snickered. “I wouldn’t use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street.

My feelings for her faded from black to red. Was I in love—or in hell?

Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons.

…There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.

In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily...

On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, business cards, and electroshock therapy while wearing spooky masks.

Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?”I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was...

If my house were burning down, the one thing I’d take with me is my vast collection of smoke. I consider smoke the souls of dead cigarettes my lovers have exhaled.

Let’s see,” mused the dragon, “that doesn’t tell us much, does it? What sort of a word is this? Is it an epithet, do you think?”Gawaine could do no more than nod.”Why, of course,” exclaimed...

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]Since I’m an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn’t care less — it’s not like it’ll have any impact on me,...

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

In business I play hardball, because softball is for high school girls. People don’t know I used to be a pitcher. I was full of water, until my ex wife poured it all out.

Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality?

You can’t rain on my parade. It’s an umbrella parade.

You should really be more careful who you let put their hands on you.” A silky male voice hummed as hot, minty breath wafted around her ear and danced slowly across her nose. Sera inhaled...

You know there is such a things as a door,” I whispered. “You should try it some time.

they were looking for housekeepers and cooks, and I was dying to get out of Australia and see the rest of the world. It’s a Sagittarius thing, you know. We just move on and on,...