ohmygoodNESS!

I mean that it’s all right to go to bed with an asshole but don’t ever have a baby with one.

Abbey,” Sarah said, “life is to be lived. If you’re living, you’re going to stumble along the way.””All the time?” Abigail lept to her feet and began to pace. “I have such a bad temper...

If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be …

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.

Here’s the thing: this eel spends its entire life trying to find a home, and what do you think women have inside them? Caves, where the eels like to live…when they find a cave they...

[…] he had his hand on your -” He put his hand at waist level behind me, without touching me.”He had his hand on my ass?””No,” they said.”Behind your back,” Rashad said. “Like you’re dating...

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

The race will find that capitalists and communists modify themselves so much during the ages that they end by being indistinguishable as democrats…

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

I had a dream I was a millionaire. So I’m still in my coma don’t try and wake me.

But, of course, you might be asking yourself, ‘Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don’t know! I still don’t know what it is! I’m too knackered and confused to work it out....

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

I’m trusting you not to break my heart. If it gets even a scratch, I’ll break your face. -Shaye

It’s not like I got caught masturbating, for chrissake; she doesn’t know me, why the hell would she care if I’m superstitious? – Karen

I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby.

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat against his shoulders, against his face. He moved one had, took her two...

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn’t steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape.

First rule of Angel Club, you do not talk about Angel Club.

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it...

If you replace the letter “s” with the letter “x,” you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, “fences” would become “fencex,” and I’d say good fencex makes good neighbors.

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

He was a Frenchman, a melancholy-looking man. His aspect was that of one who has been looking for the leak in a gas pipe with a lighted candle.

Straightening, I asked, “What do you believe in?””Old love songs, best friends, the collected works of J.R.R.Tolkien, crispy pork egg rolls with just the right amount of grease, the Big Boss and eternity.””The Big Boss?”Zachary...

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.

Am I afraid of ghosts? My life experience has taught me to be much more afraid of what a human is capable of in broad daylight than what a ghost is capable of at night.

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You...

I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.

If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her...

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying ‘Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?’26 And the Angel said, ‘I had it here only a moment...

I’m hungry for success. And lasagna.

I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period....

Nico: With great power, comes the great need to take a nap.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

This was one of those times that a pint just wouldn’t cut it.

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies?

The panther prowled around me in a loose, wide circle. Its mouth turned down, almost in a pout, and it seemed disappointed that I wasn’t going to run away. Or scream, at the very least....

You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam

I, the great and powerful D.S. will create a harem for all the women in the world!!!! For a woman, no greater joy exists in the entire universe than to fuck me, the ultimate sex...

Every great oak was once a stubborn little nut who held his ground.

the smartest man in the room doesn’t visit many rooms.

I make love sensually, and without the aid of a fancy recipe. I just open the box, add water, stir a bit, and pop it in the oven.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Disappointments are often my greatest motivation.