Very touching,” said a voice from the stairway. “Do you want me to imitate a violin?” – Damon

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing “Yes We Have No...

I love children. Eating them, that is.

I wasn’t dead, I was asleep. There’s a difference, however slight. That subtle difference is between being a stiff and having a stiffy.

The two squirrels quarreled like lovers, and it moved me so much I made both into one toupee. I’m not bald, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wear it. I’m a romantic.

Of course, he didn’t know anything about these Indonesians, or why they would have been there at this moment to save his life, but the fact that they had guns and weren’t firing them at...

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you.

The first rule of snooping is to come at it sideways–when you began writing me dizzy letters about Alexander, I didn’t ask if you were in love with him, I asked what his favorite animal...

I’m trying to be a better gangsta, so I’m learning how to play the ukulele. I’m also trying to figure out how to rap a romance novel, like The Notebook.

Bones has always been smart,” I muttered. “His intelligence was just camouflaged under a mountain of p**sy.”Cat

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

I don’t like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

Give me some sugar.

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School– SEMESTER REPORT — STUDENT: Joseph MargolisTEACHER: Janet HicksENGLISH: A, ARITHMETIC: A, SOCIAL STUDIES: A, SCIENCE: A, NEATNESS: A, PUNCTUALITY: A, PARTICIPATION: A, OBEDIENCE: DTeacher’s Comments:Joseph remains a challenging student. While...

Long after our cities are condemned and deserted, our city parks will stand as a testament of the serenity of our weekends to distant trespassers. As we wait in the bushes to embrace their heavy...

The only thing that stays the same is change.

You can have everything in the world, but if you don’t have love, none of it means crap,” he said promptly. “Love is patient. Love is kind. Love always forgives, trusts, supports, and endures. Love...

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.

Must be weird for you, having your mom here.””Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.””Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi...

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

I love writing, but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, ‘You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, Giftless. I’m not your...

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.

My answer is nope, so don’t even hope.

I make love in half. But that’s because I’m much too romantic to refer to it as masturbation.

Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well…They can be useful. But mainly…They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when...

Mythologically speaking, if there’s anything I hate worse than trios of old ladies, it’s bulls. Last summer, I fought the Minotaur on top of Half-Blood Hill. This time what I saw up there was even...

They hate you.””Why?””Cause you’re a dick, Mitch.

She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date...

Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy.

That was not sex. That was naked poetry.

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

I’d rather be single, happy, and lonely sometimes than married, lonely, and happy sometimes.

The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez...

You are hard at work madam ,” said the man near her.Yes,” Answered Madam Defarge ; ” I have a good deal to do.”What do you make, Madam ?”Many things.”For instance —“For instance,” returned Madam...

My sex life is Ok. Specifically, Oklahoma City.

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can’t count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to...

I have a chip on my shoulder. I don’t have a bad attitude, I have a nacho, and I’m saving it for later. People don’t realize how hungry love makes us.

If you rest, you rust.

Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.

Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let’s unleash her rage. Great idea.

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

I don’t have a tan because I only come out at night. The only sun I get is reflected off the moon. I make love like a vampire, only entirely different and without completely filling...

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.

Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.

Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.

But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus.

There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed...