A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

I had a dream about you. You were naked, alone, and a mannequin, and I was a tailor named Taylor. You fell in love with me, even though you knew I only wanted you for...

I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a kick out of the assignment. Here I am, a “troubled youth,” and my self-chosen treatment is to become a stalker. Okay, not stalker. Research...

right” because I can predict crazy because I have been trained in the unpredictable nature of consistent craziness because I am crazy.

I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

Prison is like high school with knives.

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

An artist who maintains that he has been misunderstood is almost always a bad artist who, I’m afraid to say, has been understood.

Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Do you know I love you ?- I’m sure I don’t care whether you do or not !

She’s in the club. The hopelessly-outnumbered-and-surrounded-by-monsters club.

Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.

Love is 60% water, because a human being, the essence of love, is 60% water. But that’s the other 40% made up of? Easy—minty green tea and honey.

Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading,” said Ron, but very quietly.

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

I’ve been sendin’ you twits for the last hour.

When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you’ve never been to rehab

I can sing!” I say defensively adding, “Like a choking cat.

I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil’s advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

I really don’t know what to think, Mr Holmes,’ Lestrade muttered. ‘Well, that’s nothing new.

All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Just as Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house...

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.

Turn the fan off when I’m talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I’m saying.

Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit. I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I’d never make it. He leaned in close and...

Love is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

I was young once and slender and pretty and I made the most of it. It’s somebody else’s turn now.

I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just doing my part to make a more peaceful, and cooler, world.

Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes.

Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of...

I want to write a song about retaliation called, “Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm…While You Were Out of Town.

Man, you weigh a freaking ton,” he told me. “What’ve you been eating, rocks?” “Why, is your head missing some?” I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that’s when I knew how...

One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

Don’t blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there’s this new club called civilization and you guys should join.

The same thing I did with a whore.

Then his sixth sense is broken.

Honesty: what a refreshing slap in the face it is.

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Aim for the stars – even if you miss, you may hit an executive producer.