I’m not sure how people drink out of skulls,” Jinx added. Calvin had too many holes in him to make a good cup.

Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren’t two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what...

The German Censors —— —— —— —— ———— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— ———— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— ———— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —— ————...

Come, come,” I said. “You may be a lord someday, but you aren’t one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you’re to be my escort tonight, I...

If life takes you long way, take a shortcut!

Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up.

Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon–perfect.

I wish I knew all the answers, how to be perfect, attractive and witty. But I’m just a human being with all the regular faults and it seems no matter how hard I try, I...

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a...

I’m not senile,” I snapped. “If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

Even God forgives stupidity. So many married people, heaven would be a ghost town otherwise.

I take very few people seriously, and I’m not one of them.

…I’ve spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as “the sport of the future” since 1977. Thankfully, that future dystopia has never...

In closing, I hope everything helps show that I wouldn’t be a fade-out or a person who turns to think to drink or dope when things get tough. I believe that anything is possible if...

Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. “You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn’t you? You couldn’t just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?

Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.

come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire.” Oberon

I woke up dead.Not only dead…but in hell.I had always been somewhat sketchy on what the afterlife – were there actually such a thing – would be like for a person such as I. From...

I’m sure you could win with a design that I’d cast off as trash. Such is the curious case of the annual Garbage Festival. Plus, I’m just that good. Or am I that bad?

I make love like 1981, one year before I was born. That explains why all your orgasms are nonexistent.

I will tell you what we shall do: if ever you need to rescue Catherine, or you Berkley, Maximus, I will help you, and you will do as much for me. Then we do not...

Is it because I’m better-looking than you?

pillow talk” for a reason, because most men fall asleep right after sex, leaving the pillow as the only thing a woman has to talk to.

You are travelling in hyper-speed on a big ball into nothingness.Yet you are still wondering where you are going in life?

It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they’re fucking. If she wanted to think that apathy and independence were the same...

Your ass is mine.

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of ‘proving theorems.’ Is a writer’s job mainly that of ‘writing sentences?

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I’ll cut you in fer half the business here.

Rule number one of anime,” Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in...

Love isn’t easy. Making love is easy, especially when you’re hard, like I am now. There’s just something about retirement homes that I find erotic.

But my personal favorite words of wisdom came from Gulley during the last thirty minutes of the trip, when she broke up a backseat scuffle by declaring, ‘When you lick the person sitting next to...

I had a dream about you; I’ve had multiple dreams about you. If I had to choose between the real you and the dream you then…Goodnight.

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery.

I hope you nail the bastard.”So does he.

Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is”Sure” said Magnus. “And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour

For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love to you.

A pair of dolphins swept by us in the water, flicking their heads out to get a look at us as they went. One of them made a chittering sound that wasn’t very melodic. The...

Yes, we’ll yell, ‘Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese’.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I’ll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?””Yum,” said Mogget.”Yes, sir!” mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried...

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, “Not as scary as the boogie woman.

Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier.

I just cut my beard. I used a tractor, because farmers make the best lovers. But why sell produce when you could sell reproduce?

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again… I came in through the window… Still, the intent was clear,” said Edward.