She knew that people often complained about having a ‘bad hair day’, but surely they did not wake up in the morning to find their Hair had eaten a whole box of chocolates while they...

You know, maybe we don’t need enemies.””Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take.

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

She was not sorry. And if it was the wine telling her that, then she would tell the wine the same thing tomorrow. She was not sorry.

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.

No,” said Luis, “You can’t date the Lord of the Night Court.””Well, I’m not, he dumped me.””You can’t get dumped by the lord of the night court.””Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.

You’d be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

Don’t call me babe. I’m not a floozy. Or a freaking talking pig.

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns…and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

I gave her a sideways bitter beer smirk, and then I ripped a whole chicken apart and threw it at the waiter and said, This place is too weird for me.

Hold the bottle up to the light; you will see your dreams are always at the bottom.

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...

A lightning bolt is sharper than an axe, because it’ll chop down a tree with one strike. My love is like that too—good for making firewood.

College wasn’t like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

Don’t blame you,” said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later.

A bit of sniffles and men are more work than a brood of babies.

When the mind is free, magic happens.

Well, I see you won. The fruit won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe the apples. Those look like they need some more killing.

He’ll probably be a bit Looneyville for a while.

I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.

You barbarians!’ he yelled. ‘I’ll sue the council for every penny it’s got! I’ll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled…until…until…until…until you’ve had enough.’Ford was running after him. Very very fast.’And then...

All right gentlemen, we have a job to do. At approximately 01:30 tonight, three children made an escape. Our job is to find them and bring them back. Every minute the factory is down, I...

Six wives the King’s had now.’ Barak’s words dragged me from my reverie. ‘We can’t even get one between us.

I’ve been to a horse farm, a magical place where jockeys grow on trees. That’s where we made love for the first time like it was the second time.

Shut up, ya wanker.”They start in on each other again. They yell as if they both have megaphones to their mouths, standing inches apart. Each vulgar insult is more illogical than the last.

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as I knock on their doors.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When may did so, he found every cup and saucer, plate, vase, and bowl standing arranged across the floor like pieces in a scaled-up chess game. “The Whitstable family tree,” Bryant explained, entering and setting...

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

That’s appropriate.

I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I’m not a sellout. I rent.

Modern party-dance is simply writhing to suggestive music. It is ridiculous, silly to watch and excruciatingly embarrassing to perform. It is ridiculous, and yet absolutely everyone does it, so that it is the person who...

I’ve never understood people who just go out for one drink. Once I have one drink, I want all the drinks.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love.

But it isn’t hunger that drives millions of armed American Males to forests and hills every autumn, as the high incidence of heart failure among the hunters will prove. Somehow the hunting process has to...

Anything that doesn’t take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.

If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?

Only you can change yourself, no one else can.

People talk too much. Humans aren’t descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.

Adrian had always found it amusing that a guy could be drilling Stacia up her ass while she considered herself to be a virgin. Her intent had been to present herself as such when she...

I’m so tired I could drink a cup of coffee as deep as the Grand Canyon. But I couldn’t take the first sip, because I’m too afraid of heights to get close to the lip.

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.

Within a science fictional space, memory and regret are, when taken together, the set of necessary and sufficient elements required to produce a time machine.