you’re not dead-you’re dormant.

When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.

Hey, Melissa-is there anything I should know about having this kid that isn’t in the books I’ve been reading?”Sunlight streamed through the window, making the golden, hormone-induced mutton chops glisten upon my cheeks. As I...

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

And there it is! Bravo! I knew it was only a matter of time before Byron realized he had an audience. That man is simply incapable of keeping his shirt on when there are spectators....

When 1:45 came, half the class left, and Danny Hupfer whispered, “If she gives you a cream puff after we leave, I’m going to kill you” – which was not something that someone headed off...

We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?” And Grandpa Nate answered, “Why don’t you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over...

It was like being owned.”Some women like that.”Not me.”Perhaps it depends on the man doing the owning.”I doubt it. I couldn’t breathe with him kissing me.”One day you may kiss a man you can’t breathe...

What’s that?””That’s my attack poodle.

Don’t make me come down there. – God

Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I’m definitely not religious, and I’m very tired of the preachiness and obsession with...

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

He doesn’t teach you what to think, he teaches you how to think

Well, in that case, your magic isn’t working. I’m still an asshole.

If I gave you a pity position it wouldn’t be in my office.

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

Is he mad? Anyway there’s something on his mind, as sure as there must be something on a deck when it cracks.

Can omniscient God, whoKnows the future, findThe Omnipotence toChange His future mind?

Hey, would you look at that shit?”I turned on my heel. The patrons who’d fled at the first hint of trouble had come back and were enjoying the spectacle.”Clear out!” I barked.They paid me no...

I live in my mind, such that whatever destroys me shall be a creature of my own invention.

Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped over. But they must be, because I only seem to listen to myself.

If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love always finishes first, while my love always comes second.

The cat arrived with a bottle of Scotch.

Paranormal. It rolls off the tongue with such poetry but it means something like, beyond normal. There is nothing paranormal about magic. Magic is the norm. —Penny SweeneyMagic All Around

It is possible to be in two dreams at once. If I dream about you, and you are asleep at the time, you are in both your dreams, and mine. Still, you’re not really in...

I’m not picky.

Do I have cat hair on my face? I was trying to grow out my beard. Let’s make love like two meows trapped in a Ziploc bag.

U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation’s continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives,...

There’s something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself … I just can’t remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)

Sean looks up at her, and he wants to explain it all to her. Explain what it’s like to be rubbed so raw, to have your emotional threshold exceeded day after day, your psyche beaten...

No. In the morning. Don’t let that damnsunlight fool you. It lies.

It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of...

Women, who understands them? Not men—and certainly not women. Perhaps only cats do. But who understands cats? Perhaps only Orafoura, the last remaining Cupid and sole savior of earthly love.

Gay ships are yay ships!

Erasing is exercise for the hands

This emotion I’m feeling now, this is love, right?””I don’t know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you’re with me?””Yes,” she said.”That’s influenza,” said Miro. “Watch for nausea or...

I had a dream about you. We spoke as though we shared one mind. And we did, though you got to use the brain on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, while I got it the other...

Can you believe we still around?after so many hit the ground and we ain’t gon’ stop now until we get that wisdom

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

Yep, I was so mature, I decided I would just have to reward myself by doing the naked lambada with a Federal Agent.

I am not going to pretend to write a love letter to another man.

I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the...

I’m saying that I’m a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you’re okay with that, because it’s who I am, and you’re what I need.

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

How do you feel, Georgie?” whispered Mrs. Weasley.George’s fingers groped for the side of his head.”Saintlike,” he murmured.”What’s wrong with him?” croaked Fred, looking terrified. “Is his mind affected?””Saintlike,” repeated George, opening his eyes and...