What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.

My first words, as I was being born […] I looked up at my mother and said, ‘that’s the last time I’m going up one of those.

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped...

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

A finger point plus a thumb’s up is a handgun. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Now the mashed potatoes, they’re loaded. Dangerously delicious.

I took my .38 out and looked to see that there were bullets in all the proper places. I knew there would be, but it did no harm to be careful. And I’d seen Clint...

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

I’m so shy I make Bigfoot look like a socialite. Networking’s not a mystery to me—but I’m mythical to networking.

Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a wise course of action. Politicians are full of such wisdom.

breaking your heart” a new meaning.

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty women can bestow.’ Miss Bingley immediately fixated her eyes on his face, and desired...

. . . mixing defensiveness with anger – a wonderful mix, by the way.

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.

I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

People have told me ‘Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends…’.. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board

My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That was mighty kind of them.

Even those fortunate ones among us who get sex right don’t necessarily feel compelled to talk about it. For all they know, everybody else is having the same experience. Sex being a naturally private act,...

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He’s actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian’s mother

It is not the destination where you end up but the mishaps and memories you create along the way!

Go fuck yourself,” I replied, always the lady. “I’m staying here.

He’s being silent again. Tell him to be quiet.

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it...

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

A lie makes up 3/4ths of life.

I’ve done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you’d be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more...

That’s it? That’s all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?” Marshall smirked. “Woe is me.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

My voice smells like a shout. Especially when I eat silence.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

Don’t talk sign language and masturbate at the same time. Not unless you’re translating a Presidential State of the Union address.

I’m not sure who invented dodgeball, but I can almost guarantee you that it wasn’t the shortest kid in the class.

Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, ‘Fifty is the new forty!’ Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as...

The size of your sighs tell how deeply you’re in love. How I feel is very much like a stressed and distressed midget trying to breathe.

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

If I say your breasts are perfect, don’t tell me I’m wrong—prove me wrong by showing me. If more people voted with their wallets, more strippers would be elected officials.

Oh, look at that, he’s heard of me. My fame grows.

I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is.” Summer says. “Yeah, I agree,” said August. “Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all...

wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the...