I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

How are you feeling?”I leaned away from him. “Gross.”Aiden frowned. “Gross?””I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don’t come near me.”He laughed. “Alex, come on.””Seriously, I’m gross.” I put my hand...

Vampires do breathe, by the way, but their chests don’t move like humans’. Have you ever lain in the arms of your sweetheart and tried to match your breathing to his, or hers? You do...

I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to...

Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless, but the possibility of movement permeated the moment.

It was a family joke that Lydia’s domestic tendencies were somehow misplaced when she was created.

Fish and visitors stink after three days.

If you pick the place, I’ll pick the date.” She wants Paris, and I want March 5th 2082.

The next morning I had Twentieth-Century American Poetry at MCC. This old woman gave a lecture wherein she managed to talk for ninety minutes about Sylvia Plath without ever once quoting a single word of...

For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

She said she had to leave in four minutes. I said, Great! Let’s have sex twice.

John shrugged. “It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep.”Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. “Really? I would have thought you’d prefer such a...

In Life, you need to know the difference between what you think is right and what you know is right.

Boys say they don’t mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you’re alone with a masculine...

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

And if Germans do have systematic minds, this is just as likely to be because their exceedingly erratic mother tongue has exhausted their brains’ capacity to cope with any further irregularity

I am not who I pretend to be, even when I act like myself.

I am your Wednesday Sex Meatloaf. At least, I’d like to be. This Tuesday I have a vacancy, if you like leftovers from six days before.

All I’m trying to say is that if you’re not willing to observe this, if you’re just going to condemn it, you’re never going to see it. It’s there, whether you like it or not....

Oliver laughed – actually laughed.”I like this new Claire,” he said. “You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She’s interesting when she’s forthright.”Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the...

I don’t use a crap camera, I don’t eat junk, and I’m not going to a dance where the boys are bores

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.

Have a little sociological beano. As you said – in sociology one can do anything and call it work.

Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.

I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably...

It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!

Better broke than dead.

I’m the good kind of crazy, though.

I listen to helloes at 65 MPH. Anything faster is just asking for a goodbye. I’m too love and in young to do anything but drink coffee out of a helmet, while wearing a helmet....

Someday is not a day of the week.

You graduated 120 years ago? When I graduated I was just one of many in a large stack of love letters. Now get me out of this Time Fridge before I self-cannibalize! I walked a...

I’m trained in sarcasm. It’s like karate, only the sting lasts longer.

I’m a guy.

…ducks and geese are foolish things, and must be looked after, but girls can take care of themselves.

Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

JP shouted, “TELL THEM WHAT YOU JUST DID TO EACH OTHER!””Um,” I said.”We kissed,” the Duke said.”That’s kinda gay,” Keun said.”I AM A GIRL.””Yeah, I know, but so is Tobin,” Keun said.

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

Actually I was hoping for an on-all-fours sort of thing.

A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door...

He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?

Her sleep was enlivened by several dreams. One where Professor Wanstead’s bushy eyebrows fell off because they were not his own eyebrows, but false ones. As she woke again, her first impression was that which...

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I’m sympathetic, it usually means I haven’t been around people in awhile.

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.