Surely Tillie knew glitter on wrinkled cleavage was a sin.

I’ve always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You’re shattering every creep vampire myth I’ve ever heard.

I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

Hooray! I finally finished making a new book cover. Now I just need to write the book. The cover is the image of a man hanging, so perhaps I’ll write a romance novel.

Did you like question ten, Moony?” asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall.”Loved it,” said Lupin briskly. “Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question.””D’you think you managed to get all the...

Come, come,” I said. “You may be a lord someday, but you aren’t one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you’re to be my escort tonight, I...

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon–perfect.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

I’m not senile,” I snapped. “If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.

She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants...

In closing, I hope everything helps show that I wouldn’t be a fade-out or a person who turns to think to drink or dope when things get tough. I believe that anything is possible if...

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire.” Oberon

Right now it’s 77 degrees—even if you’re a dyslexic.

The Little Drummer Boy” was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks.

How in the name of Merlin’s pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?

I will tell you what we shall do: if ever you need to rescue Catherine, or you Berkley, Maximus, I will help you, and you will do as much for me. Then we do not...

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

You are travelling in hyper-speed on a big ball into nothingness.Yet you are still wondering where you are going in life?

I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

No sex?” He looked at me in disbelief. “Well if you can’t have ze sex, what can you do?”For the sake of simplicity I took my left arm and lined it up just under my...

I row…a-uh-boat…with-uh-my teammates.” Superb! Just-uh-superb.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I’ll cut you in fer half the business here.

Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I’d feel sad about it.

But my personal favorite words of wisdom came from Gulley during the last thirty minutes of the trip, when she broke up a backseat scuffle by declaring, ‘When you lick the person sitting next to...

Life is a huge farce, and the advantage of possessing a sense of humour is that it enables one to defy fate with mocking laughter.

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

She would’ve been a good woman,” said The Misfit, “if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.

I hope you nail the bastard.”So does he.

I am going to think of you every time I don’t have sex. So that’ll mean I’ll always be thinking of you.

A pair of dolphins swept by us in the water, flicking their heads out to get a look at us as they went. One of them made a chittering sound that wasn’t very melodic. The...

A mathematician may say anything he pleases, but a physicist must be at least partially sane.

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences.

On November 18 of alternate years Mr Earbrass begins writing ‘his new novel’. Weeks ago he chose its title at random from a list of them he keeps in a little green note-book. It being...

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, “Not as scary as the boogie woman.

I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

We drove 22 miles into the country around Farmington. There were meadows and apple orchards. White fences trailed through the rolling fields. Soon the sign started appearing. THE MOST PHOTOGRAPHED BARN IN AMERICA. We counted...

How about “diamonds are a girl’s best friends”? Nope. It should be switched around and pointed out, instead, that your best friends are diamonds.

Those guards are going to be all sorts of pissed when they find out they’ve been following a bunny rabbit.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.

Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not.