When am I going to learn to stop questioning authority and just eat the Soylent Green?

It wasn’t until I’d walked halfway across the parking lot that I realized: 1. I wasn’t wearing shoes. A. Or a shirt. 2. I didn’t bring my keys A. Or anything really. 3. I’d just...

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!

Oh, Wax has always been solemn, but when he’s at his best, there’s a smirk underneath.

I believe that the door was unlocked.

The worst part about working in a hotel is when I’m tired, I know I can’t sample the very thing I sell: sleep. I also sell sex, but I must be discreet in the sheets.

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?

You totally need to watch the news.””Can’t.””Why?””It’s too depressing.””Right, because hanging with dead people isn’t.

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

Oh, I am. You haven’t experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

Writing is a dying form. One reads of this every day.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.

In this section you will learn how to use the tools the way that I think you will choose to use them by default.

One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry.

I want to create vagina-scented scratch and sniff stickers. You know, for lovers. They’d be dispensed in vending machines in YMCA locker rooms.

Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn’t that be satisfying?

I know – I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.”Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.Alice beamed. “I do. Excellent.

He kept looking at my crotch, so I looked at his and saw he had an erection. That’s more flattering than any oratorical praise.

Yo, cop. We’re heading for Screamer’s. You wanna come?” Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like...

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

I make love like Jello-O is liquid. And I masturbate like Jell-O is solid. I’m tired of sex with blow up dolls.

You know your husband truly loves you when he calls you, “Money, I’m home!

When you’re poor and hungry and frightened of failure, you often don’t have the luxury of high values, lofty goals, and social conscience. Funny how fear and poverty will acid-wash your value set, burn away...

I’d be willing to walk around wearing clothes from the 1930s, telling everyone I am a time traveler. You’ve got to do more than dig if you want to earn the love of a dead...

I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal.”Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less...

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

IMBECILE!” the chef shouted. “Next time why don’t you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are...

Make time to make love. Then, after you’ve finished making love, make some coffee while I just lie in bed and quiver.

Christ, how can our family be mankind’s best hope?

Ish #303 “It’s a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

The key to Lincoln’s famous employment of humor is not that he failed to appreciate the tragic aspects of human existence, but rather that he felt these with such keeness that some relief was required.

I didn’t really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn’t work out,...

People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with ‘welcome’ written on it.

I have a business appointment that I am anxious… to miss.

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

In Ruth’s view, they looked ‘like a couple’ because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them – they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such...

One last word,’ I said in my horrible careful English, ‘are you quite, quite sure that—well, not tomorrow, of course, and not after tomorrow, but—well—some day, any day, you will not come to live with...

I wanted to observe how a genuine people person, who happens to also be a salesman, handles himself in the presence of a stranger. And few people are stranger than me, so I was paying...

As a matter of fact, with all his wit, humor, raillery, persiflage, he was the profoundest logician that ever appealed to the intellect of an American audience. There was logic even in his laughter. He...

There’s always the dinner rolls,” said Will, pointing to a covered basket. “Though I warn you, they’re as hard as stones. You could use them to kill black beetles, if any beetles bother you in...

Don’t pick up hitchhikers!”- D. Adams

We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave...

☺☺ When a man gets to 99, he starts to think, he may only have another 10 years of sexy lovemaking left… Still Smiling At 99. ☺☺

Why can’t I just Google it like everything else?! I hate you public library system!

Standing at a urinal, I hold my penis like a cold beer. You look thirsty and sober, so can I get something to drink? You’re expression, is it dehydration—or is it love?