You’re not going to campus. You’re going out to get drunk and play with other ladies’ boobies.” – Kye

One day I’ll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you’ll be in trouble.

Love is like a door—it’s either open or closed. Either that or it’s both—open to others, but closed to you.

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

Who cares even if I didn’t?!” Conor shouted back. “They’re just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!”The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words...

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. “Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you’re not a vampire, you’re clearly the most anemic goth I’ve ever seen.”… “We believed you. Because that’s what friends...

I don’t have any money to speak of. And if I did, what’s there to say? They say money talks, but it doesn’t talk to me. Money won’t even look at me half the time.

…Daisy doesn’t even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom… you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset,...

Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl’s panties.

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

We have truth in order not to die of art.

Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without gold backing our currency, it’s all funny money.

I’m dead! Fuck, they killed me!

I dinna want to disappoint ye, but we’s in a cellar right here, and it’s full o’ tatties.’After a while a voice said: ‘So where izzit?”Maybe it’s got the day off?”What’s a demon need a...

My wooden love is being eaten my termites. Romance in action.

It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man!

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they’re called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – “”Plumbers?”” – exactly, yes, but of course they’re flummoxed.

I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury hotel on the beach. This would be perfect for me because when there...

I’d once had a long-term relationship with a Five Point Five that got nowhere near living together. This was because I was a Two Point Five, he was a Five Point Five and he wanted...

Smartass Disciple: What were you thinking when the truth is revealed unto you?Master of Stupidity: I wasn’t thinking. I was having sex when it came to my mind.

North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

It felt exactly like someone had hit me in the head with a church.

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

If love were a glove, I’d wear it on my foot like a goldfish in a silver mine. Ten dimes is too much money to spend on one dollar.

History repeats itself but without a parity bit

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

loneliness can fly a helicopter through a cut-out shapeof a helicopter the same size as the helicopterand that’s it’s only skilland it isn’t good enoughbut it’s still amazing.

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

Love can make a flower more fragrant, a blue sky bluer, and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.

The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.

If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no...

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

A gypsy girl approached Don Zana and Alfanhui and held out her tambourine. Don Zana said to her, ‘You don’t pay for art, kid.

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch’s version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones....

He pulled out a dagger from … she wasn’t sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there? (Amy’s thoughts, The Witching Pen)

You can’t believe everything people tell you – not even if those people are your own brain.

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

It would be either a very skilled or very unwise man to steal from an assassin.” – Taliesin

Heaven knows where I’ll end up – it’s a safe bet I’ll never be at the top of anything! Nor do I particularly care to be.

Just as soon as I arrive I want to leave. Especially when I’m in love.

There are as many ways to discover your story as there are to trip over a dog in the kitchen–and some of them feel about as planned.

I just bought a rotary phone, a Rolodex, and a polyester suit. Oh yes, I’m now ready to start networking.

I’m sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I’m not sure I like where this is going,” Carter said nervously. “Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like,...

Lingerer, my brain is on fire with impatience; and you tarry so long!