Babe,” Ranger said. “You’re looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?”I’m on a sugar withdrawal. I’ve given up desert and it’s all I can think about.” That had been true five...

There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and...

I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have discovered.

I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her out to coffee, but she hinted there wasn’t a watch big enough to...

We?” Simon looked at him in disbelief. “Are you ever going home?””What, bored with my company already?” “Let me ask you something,” Simon said. “Do you find me fascinating to be around?””What was that?” Jace...

They say a woman’s loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.

I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me some money, and let me give you the reason you were looking for...

Besides, there’s nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that’s why I’m going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long...

Well,” he said, “I think we’ve found our way in. We just wait until they’re duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don’t have a lot of staying power or they’d have...

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l’humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of...

50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.

The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above...

What do you think we should do about Sampson?” I asked.”I would have to say…stop him,” Sam said.”How?” I asked her.”Someone who is as powerful and as smart and crazy as he is should do...

You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift I made eighty dollars, and I only actually did ten minutes of real...

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

How could I be sleeping with this particular man…. Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.

The Prologue to TERRITORY LOST”Of cats’ first disobedience, and the heightOf that forbidden tree whose doom’d ascentBrought man into the world to help us downAnd made us subject to his moods and whims,For though we...

You know what, Michael? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship of loathing.

Ah, Morganville. Where dressing to hide blood stains was just good daily planning.

I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat food from a little saucer while you snap off a few pictures of...

A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when I get out the Behavior Cloth (a blindfold).

All girls are like fishes needing feeding and a net. Trap them lest you are trapped.

No one had ever accused Koko of being naughty. Perverse, perhaps, or arrogant, or despotic. But naughtiness was beneath his dignity.

I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!

I rolled my eyes. “For defending my honor, you dullard.”He yanked me beneath a shadowed awning. I had a moment’s panic when I thought he’d spotted trouble, but then his arms were around me and...

Never mind that. What’s going on with you and Heath?”Annabelle pulled a little wide-eyed innocence out of her rusty bag of college acting skills.”What do you mean? Business.””Don’t give me that. We’ve been friends too...

Seriously. I’m not saying five-star… I’m saying go on Expedia and find a place that actually has stars… any stars.

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

If you’re optimistic, think of it as bronze.

I left my money somewhere, probably in your wallet. Let me check.

It is hard for one who has not had a similar experience to imagine the terror that still gripped Taeko and Mrs. Tamaki and Hiroshi, so intense a terror that afterwards it seemed almost funny.

A body is a body.” Viscarro shrugged his bony shoulders. “Dead, alive, alive, dead. I fail to see the importance of the distinction.”Yeah? So you’d just as soon fuck a living person as a dead...

I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

If we can expect another journey tomorrow, we should secure horses,” Ferrin went on. “And if the sun will be shining, perhaps a goat for Aram.””Keep it up,” Aram dared him through clenched teeth.”Is a...

Jane’s stories are too sensible. Then Diana puts too much murders into hers. She says most of the time she doesn’t know what to do with the people so she kills them off to get...

I can Control F to find words and phrases lost in a sea of literature, but why can’t I Control F to find one object among a hoarder’s clutter?

Don’t care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

Life never goes according to plan. That’s okay, because often our plans are much smaller than life intends. Probably EASIER, but smaller.

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

A friend of Diagoras pointed out an expensive display of votive gifts and said, ‘You think the gods have no care for man? Why, you can see from all these votive pictures here how many...

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

The male frog, in mating season,” said Crake, “makes as much noise as it can. The females are attracted to the male frog with the biggest, deepest voice because it suggests a more powerful frog,...

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo’s gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she’d told him her version yet. She had balls of steel,...

And what if that news anchor is creepy? He’s too smooth, and he has that hairpiece.