Harry,” Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, “what you know about women, I could juggle.

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?””Is that including, or not including you?

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

Well, Hell was worse, of course, by definition. But Crowley remembered what Heaven was like, and it had quite a few things in common with Hell. You couldn’t get a decent drink in either of...

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

Next to her, I felt like Carrot Top in drag.Cat re: Annette

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

You must overcome failure to succeed, and champions know how to lose. That’s why I don’t need to win to know that I’m a champion.

Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.

To alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems

Gossiping’s part of witchcraft,’ said Tiffany. ‘They’re checking to see if they’ve gone batty yet.

I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked it made it feel like the ocean. Ah, but that’s life, no?

You can’t wish for more wishes or for vague generalities like happiness that are impossible to grant. Your wish has to be something specific enough that I can use my wand to make it happen....

Bees are strange. Pick them up with your genitals. If you want to succeed, you need to go where no man is willing to go, like the women’s restroom.

A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have to ask if you see it in my fridge.

Our children were allowed to help when they were little, urged to help when they grew a little older, and sometimes ordered to help when they were teenagers.

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

The minute you stop caring about your business, is the same minute your business stops caring about you.

My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have unprotected sex, the risk/reward would be possible STD for me vs. possible grandchild...

If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your...

Well, that’s an evil smile…

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

I put a chameleon on a red dildo… He blushed

Art is anything you can get away with.

There was a party of well-dressed people with Gilt, and as they progressed accoss the room the whole place began to revolve around the big man, gold being very dense and having a gravity all...

Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don’t go looking for sex along the interstate.

Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

I stood my ground. “You evil scientist are all the same–evil. Count me out.”Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I’d already...

But the main reason you should read this is that I don’t see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free.

A cat is there if you call her- if she doesn’t have anything better to do.

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

This may be impossible for you to believe,” Colt said in a hushed voice, “but as recently as last year, I was a hyper, naive-albeit extremely good-looking-minor myself.””And now you’re a persistent, outdoorsy, unshaven man-boy...

is push you off the roof.

If trees had feathers instead of leaves, then they wouldn’t fly, they wouldn’t run, and they’d be my favorite thing to hunt.

Just a month after the completion of the Declaration of Independence, at a time when he delegates might have been expected to occupy themselves with more pressing concerns -like how they were going to win...

You gonna count ’em out now? Because I’ll save you the trouble. There’s two.

Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin’s bay and end in Procter and Gamble’s factory, Staten Island.

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

If you bring the blanket, I’ll bring the warmth.

The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.

Hey,” Anaxantis protested. “Oh,” he added, when the Muktar prince took his member in his mouth. “Oh… that’s what you meant by servicing.” He laughed softly.”Aw, aw, teeth, teeth, no teeth,” he hissed suddenly.”Sowwy,” Timishi,...

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

We made love like two trees on a breezeless day. Neither one of us moved for hours.

No really I’m pretty sure voting mattered a scant 15 years ago but now it’s just a way to see how many old people live in your neighborhood.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.