Jace perched on the windowsill and looked down at him. “You really don’t get this bodyguard thing, do you?””I didn’t even think you liked me all that much,” said Simon. “Is this one of those...

The worst part about working in a hotel is when I’m tired, I know I can’t sample the very thing I sell: sleep. I also sell sex, but I must be discreet in the sheets.

Cara waggled a hand over the two of them. “It works better with your clothes off.”Richard frowned. His voice came as a hoarse croak. “What?”She seemed mystified by the question. “I believe you will find...

My nephew is a manipulative, scheming, unscrupulous son of a bitch. And those are his good qualities.

Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?

We were restless for ages…After a while I heard an owl hooting and calmed myself by thinking of it flying over the dark fields – and then I remembered it would be pouncing on mice....

Vulcan Dis of the Week: Perhaps, t’hy’la, you should perform a mind meld on yourself, in order to determine what the bogozh you’re thinking.

But, why? You punished me, okay? You’ve forbidden me to,” I shudder, “cum when you know my little body can only take so much of holding it in. I have a nine-inch dick, Randy. That...

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

Dopóki nie skorzystałem z Internetu, nie wiedziałem, że na świecie jest tylu idiotów

Wisdom of the Ages: “Being Poor” Of all the crimes committed in America, undoubtedly the most unforgivable.

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have discovered.

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

We?” Simon looked at him in disbelief. “Are you ever going home?””What, bored with my company already?” “Let me ask you something,” Simon said. “Do you find me fascinating to be around?””What was that?” Jace...

I want to create vagina-scented scratch and sniff stickers. You know, for lovers. They’d be dispensed in vending machines in YMCA locker rooms.

Trying to corral the suburban stampede with a bunch of school buses was like herding cats. Actually, it was worse than herding cats. It was herding white people, earth’s only species with a greater sense...

Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began.

He kept looking at my crotch, so I looked at his and saw he had an erection. That’s more flattering than any oratorical praise.

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l’humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of...

It may be to die for, but is it to die and be risen again as one of the undead, doomed to wander soulless through all eternity for?

The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above...

I make love like Jello-O is liquid. And I masturbate like Jell-O is solid. I’m tired of sex with blow up dolls.

I think we should wean Grandma.

I am hated for loving.I am haunted for wanting.

I’d be willing to walk around wearing clothes from the 1930s, telling everyone I am a time traveler. You’ve got to do more than dig if you want to earn the love of a dead...

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Make time to make love. Then, after you’ve finished making love, make some coffee while I just lie in bed and quiver.

Without death Death is dead

We hate it when our friends become successful.

The key to Lincoln’s famous employment of humor is not that he failed to appreciate the tragic aspects of human existence, but rather that he felt these with such keeness that some relief was required.

I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat food from a little saucer while you snap off a few pictures of...

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You’re a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

All girls are like fishes needing feeding and a net. Trap them lest you are trapped.

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

He claimed that nearby gun thunder cleared the mind – but most everybody else agreed it made you daft.

He’s a ghost, not a carnival magician.-Benny Imura

I wanted to observe how a genuine people person, who happens to also be a salesman, handles himself in the presence of a stranger. And few people are stranger than me, so I was paying...

Seriously. I’m not saying five-star… I’m saying go on Expedia and find a place that actually has stars… any stars.

The hard part is over. Now comes the soft, gooey part that’s impossible to get off one’s shoes.

Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave...

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.

Sexual reproduction and food — humans’ two favorite subjects.

Standing at a urinal, I hold my penis like a cold beer. You look thirsty and sober, so can I get something to drink? You’re expression, is it dehydration—or is it love?

I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included.

WHAT DOES AN OLD MAN GAIN BY EXERCISINGwhat will he gain by talking on the phonewhat will he gain by going after fame, tell mewhat does he gain by looking in the mirrorNothingeach time he...

If we can expect another journey tomorrow, we should secure horses,” Ferrin went on. “And if the sun will be shining, perhaps a goat for Aram.””Keep it up,” Aram dared him through clenched teeth.”Is a...