A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

But I think I scraped off most of the burned part,” she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate...

Right. That’s twenty-two fifty.””Twenty-two fifty?” We can’t hide our exasperation.”Well, yeah – this is a classy joint, you know.””That’s obvious – the service is incredible.

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses.

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Transform yourself from desperate doormat to outspoken doormat-wielding proctologist.

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

…cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off–damn ankle straps!–or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not...

Ignorance is bliss, except when it hurts

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

I wear my cat like a purring fur coat. Love is such a warm feeling, no?

I try to make my comments like a woman’s skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting.

It was certainly not this mummified and outrageously painted old woman he was seeing before him, but the entire “female species,” as it was his custom to call women. The individual disappeared, the features were...

With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d change is her.

You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I’ll buy you a pony.

No one believes a liar. Even when she’s telling the truth.

You know…acting like a dick…won’t make yours any bigger.

I told her to wait for me. She asked how long. I told her eight inches.

They say that if you’re good at something, never do it for free. But who would pay me to make bad jokes?

The spell…curled around…like smoke before settling in.Sophie: “Okay, do you guys feel protected?”Archer: “Yes. Also a little violated, but that’s neither here nor there.

The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.

I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn’t...

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.

He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.

Lea stood upon a fallen log ahead of us, staring ahead. Mouse walked up to her.Gggrrrr rawf arrrgggrrrrarrrr,” I said.Mouse gave me an impatient glance, and somehow–I don’t know if it was something in his...

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y’know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to...

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

There is only one amount of money – just not enough.

We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, ‘JUST TELL...

So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn’t understand the subtleties of it all. You’d have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared...

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape!...

There’s a cover for every pot, but I’ve never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. – Ellen Wasserfeldman, from Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman by Alisa Dana Steinberg

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.””Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of “Remember to never split an infinitive” and “The passive voice should never be used.” The notion of making a mistake while...

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.