I ejaculate confidence. My self-esteem might impregnate you.

Does that make today the last day, or at midnight tonight will the world just skip over to the day after tomorrow? But wouldn’t that still make it tomorrow?

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

Hey, our hair’s the same color,” I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.”Sure is, girlfriend.” Eric grinned at me.

A problem isn’t a real problem till you decide to make it a problem… so what’s the problem again?

I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have all four grandparents still living, and widely dispersed around the world.

With the world’s fate resting on your shoulder – you’re gonna need someone on your side.You can’t do it by yourself any longer – you’re gonna need someone on your side.

Guttenberg didn’t write the Bible—he just printed it. Gideon didn’t write the Bible—he just placed it into every nightstand in every hotel. And Orafoura doesn’t appear in the Bible—though he may have disappeared into it.

Networking is more quality, and less quantity. It’s better to form a solid connection with one new person, than a liquid connection with ten. You don’t want people to think you drink too much.

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn’t keep my hands or lips off of him. “God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.”He laughed. “That’s something the vampire...

One hardly need believe that the events in your life are actually planned as bolts from the blue, sent special delivery from a deity who is testing and training you like a lab rat! And...

The cycle of parental disapproval begins at dawn. That’s why I have to get up five minutes before sunrise, so I can berate my grandpa like he was my own child.

There are some bad people on the rise;they’re saving their own skins by ruining people’s lives.

Blood is like water, to a vampire. And coffee is like blood, to a tired mosquito. And my love is like an itch—and a scratch.

If you need me I’ll be sitting over there, on the ground, next to the empty chair. The emptiness always reminds me of your love.

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn’t the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn’t of...

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

I think the very word stalking implies that you’re not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called ‘fluffy harmless observation time’.

I am the robot in the machine. I eat wires and circuits and I was raised by a single motherboard. I also enjoy my hamburgers with ketchup, mayonnaise, and #FFFF00 mustard.

What doesn’t kill us makes us funnier.

I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.

Love me for me, not for how much I resemble my clones, or how handsome they are, or how brilliant they are, or how much you want to have sex with all of them, at...

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you’ll make us jobless for good.

Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,” said Jace. “I’d rather stay down here and rot.””Forever?” said Simon. “Forever’s an awfully long time.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I knew it,” he said. “You want to kiss me,...

Italians speak in italics all the time.

I was saddened to hear about a death in her family. I’d much rather hear about many deaths in her family.

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: “Eating Crow” This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

Invisible things are the only realities.

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t give two mules for rules.

There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

Brin tilted his head. ‘For a moment I thought you were a dirty little tramp like the rest of us, but then you go and ruin it. For future reference, stories about anonymous hookups in...

When she told me to sit down, I didn’t know where I stood with her. Ah, love—it’s like a chair. It’s always sitting, yet standing on its legs.

When you meet me, the first thing you’ll notice is I have a firm handshake. The second thing you’ll notice is that I’m wearing oven mitts. I like my introductions hot, like my iced coffee.

it’s okay if college isn’t your thing. I’m sure there’s a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig’s List. Just sayin’.

Any first-year analyst can tell you what’s happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing’s happening at all.

I had a dream about you. You had hair like dandelion blowball, and I was one hurricane sneeze away from making you bald. You may have been in danger of losing your hair, but at...

One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed,...

Writer’s Block is just an excuse by people who don’t write for not writing.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze.

They are friends because they are both beautiful specimens of maledom.””Beautiful specimens of maledom?””That’s right. And there are very few of those species in existence presently, so they need to stick together in order to...

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the...

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

You’re amazing,” she whispered hoarsely.He pushed back the hair from her face. “You too.””How? All I do is let you play me like a piano.”He chuckled. “You’ve got a great keyboard.

My friend says she’s smart. She reads a book to fall asleep.