My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.

Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can’t see a damn thing before having coffee.

Pearl JAM! Pearl JAM! Now this is rock and roll! Jeremy’s SPO-ken! But he’s still al-LIIIIIVE!

I’m Kieran. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room,

Douglas’s fridge was a stainless-steel masterpiece. I’m not that into appliances or anything, but this one was nice and probably cost more than my last apartment. I had the strange desire to hug it every...

On peut rire de tout mais pas avec n’importe qui.

I always wear an oven mitt when I go in for a handshake, because I like to give visual hints about what kind of lover I’d make. I don’t use a cup to drink coffee—I...

According to Sarah, who had gone two years ago, prom was famous for being an overpriced disappointment where most people had no fun.

At least wait until you’re alone before you kiss her, if you please! Remember, her family is watching you, and we haven’t had our dinner yet!

I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

Does it not occur to people that I might be artificial by nature?

I need to take an exfoliating bath. Prepare the kittens’ tongues.

I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my computer screen.

William awoke one morning to find that ― despite having no memory of it − he’d send a message to the Requisitions Department demanding ten thousand gallons of sleep (73% concentrate, with acetic acid stabilizer)....

… Besides it’s better to have Miyoshi around. You and me have a been together since Jr. High. Without her around people might think we’re gay.

Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work to do!

She’d been trained as a child no to trust anyone, but he’d just saved her life, and she was freezing. He could be a yeti for all she cared.

It’d be quite absurd to equate a math equation with love. But that is exactly what I’ve done. I’m giving a four-hour lecture on it on Friday night. Can I count you among the attendees?

I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.

Basia coquum,” Simon said. “Or whatever their motto is.””It’s ‘Descensus Averno facilis est.’ ‘The descent into hell is easy,” said Alec. “You just said “Kiss the cook.””Dammit,” said Simon. “I knew Jace was screwing with...

*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.

The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

Night falls over Machu Picchu to the sound of Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.

You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?

I’m the warlock who’s here to cure you. Didn’t they tell you I was coming?””I know who you are, but…” Maia looked dazed. “You look so…so…shiny.

And thus Charles found himself wandering around a hotel, trailing federal agents as he held a cardboard coffee cup holder in each hand, instead of out killing misbehaving werewolves.

Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!

Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.” “Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?” Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off.

I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.

I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.

Tessa: I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?”Will: “I’ve never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn’t like it.””But think how entertaining for sightseers,” said Tessa,...

For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside,” Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor.

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

Don’t panic. Are you sitting? You probably don’t need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.

The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out a handlebar mustache, and two, grow a mullet. I don’t know, will radiating...

Liquid quotes are more drinkable. Make your writing as fluid as possible, so people can chug it in one tasty gulp.

We’d better get. But y’all have a nice night,’ I say. Apparently, fear turns me Texan. A startling personality insight that I’ll jot down later if I’m not dead in a ditch.

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

Her name is Faith, or that’s what I believe it to be.

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. “What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away...

As it ‘appens, I am Arthur’s right-hand man,” said Suzy. “Or left-hand girl, I can’t remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least...

The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

New Rule: Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. We’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”–the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really...

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

Piper’s lust was like a single bear trap in the wilderness. It was nearly impossible to find if you were looking for it, but it was something you wanted to be prepared for if you...

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself...

So what? All writers are lunatics!

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.