I’m the crazy girly captain, Remember?

One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle...

Its getting late early

Don’t make me kill you at this hour in the morning Jimmy. It’s not civilized.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

I’ll be famous one day, but for now I’m stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.” – Greg Heffley,

People tell me I have a winning smile, but it’s just not true. My grin took silver at last year’s Facial Expression Olympics.

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

Whiskey burns—my throat, not a forest. Love burns—my heart, not a forest. As for the forest, it burnt itself. At least that’s what I told the police during their interrogation.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Never bullshit a bullshitter.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. –Stephanie Plum

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths’ wives and conned them out of rings?

Oops.” ~Luna’s POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

My hair isn’t as white as snow, because it’s not old enough—or cold enough.

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

No matter which sex I went to bed with, I never smoked on the street

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

Damn, this op has been like a fucking Love Boat episode.

Push my buttons, and I’ll push you off a bridge. 

Apparently loved did weird things to a girl’s practical decision-making skills – Matilda

You have quite a repertoire of ‘pants’ references, don’t you?

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.

I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.

You can swim, too.” he says. “Where did you learn that in District Twelve?””We have a very big bathtub.

I can talk for a long time only when it’s about something boring.

This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess that’s just the champion in me.

Apparently these new rulers of the world did not indulge in any drinking or smoking to soften their moods when they met, which Menelaus knew to be a big mistake. The Congress of the United...

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

A paradox is a storm that rains on itself.

The quickest way to get over something you loved and lost is to get another one.

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

I think there’s no greater joy than completing a song out of thin air. It’s like inventing something, but it’s invisible, you know? It’s weird. It amazes me. You can send it out in the...

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

I am somebody’s son, and I know a guy I call “Dad.” Those two things are unrelated.

‘Can you be a girl for a few seconds?’ ‘I’m always a girl’ I frown. ‘You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl’ I twirl my hair around my finger. ‘Kay.’

If you don’t smell good, then you don’t look good.

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.

When faced with something I fear, I tend to eat spaghetti.

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.

Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Let’s worry like mad. Shall we start on a worldwide basis and work down to ourselves, or start with ourselves and spread?””I’m going to do me-and-Peter and that dead man.””All right. I’m just going to...

But…he’s a demon. Isn’t that sort of the main category of Things to Smite?

You ever flown something before?” (Christopher)”I hold the highest score at A.S.U. for Star Wars: Starfighter.” (Kitty)”I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m going to regret this.” (Christopher)