Does anyone believe that the difference between the Lebesgue and Riemann integrals can have physical significance, and that whether say, an airplane would or would not fly could depend on this difference? If such were...

I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true.

I’ve found the best way to revise your own work is to pretend that somebody else wrote it and then to rip the living shit out of it.

In a well-ordered universe…camping would take place indoors.

The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.

Never trust a fiction author. They spend countless hours making you believe in a world they created. They are among the best, most dedicated liars in the world.

I love you and it’s getting worse.

I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.

I’ve just walked ten feet in the wrong direction, and I’m too tired to turn back around and trudge back. Oh, the lengths I go to for love.

The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code

The interior of the arms dealer’s private jet was so ugly it hurt my feelings as well as my eyeballs.

Were the stars against him? A woman’s fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it...

Secret 53910321. When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

…Fate forced me to become a two-man woman. But there was no effing way I could be a four-man woman.Even metaphysics couldn’t keep that from being whorey.

Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something.”Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn’t even sure if it was an insult. And if...

I’ll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, ‘The soul selects her own society.’ I used...

I had a dream about you. You were shivering, and I didn’t know if you were cold or frightened. Being the gentleman that I am, I offered you a sweater woven from the wails from...

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships.

What’d you think would happen when you died? That the prophecy would just be over and we’d all be like, oops, guess we got that one wrong?

They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.

You cannot discover new oceans until you are willing to lose sight of the shore.

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and… reproduction.

I really can’t think about kissing when I’ve got a rebellion to incite.

Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn’t hurt the untroubled spirit either.

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

Secret 9791422.1. If it can’t end well, don’t end it.

Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.

Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.

The past haunts the present in more ways than we think. It certainly scares the living daylights out of ME”~ Old Wrinkly

But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.

No, we are building a joke.”

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

His hand snapped shut over the device and then he crossed his arms. Aria stared in horror. Her Smarteye was buried in a Neanderthal’s armpit.

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.

No doubt zombie films are dumb, but I find it impressive that zombies can hold a camera relatively steady, let alone write a screenplay.

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

I can’t relate to your razzle-dazzle, your wish for voluptuous when my symphony is spanx.

No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!” the man yelled. “Really?” said Vimes. “What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?””What?””Oh, you’d like something simpler?

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.