AWESOME things come to those who focus on the positive, recognize the blessings, find the humor and never give up!

To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats

Abyssinias”I met a traveler from an antique landWho said: A huge four-footed limestone formSits in the desert, sinking in the sand.Its whiskered face, though marred by wind and storm,Still flaunts the dainty ears, the collar...

Why do you think, A.J.,” they say in unison, “that you find these boys so attractive?” I didn’t say that this fiery chemical explosion leaps from somewhere inside me. Parents don’t want to hear these...

Experimenting with touch, he found he barely had to ripple a light fingertip over his sleeping lover, and Tristan would move, twisting until he was melted into Michael’s embrace. Stroking Tristan’s cheek got Michael a...

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

…slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

The best reason to fall in love is because you’re alive, your heart is open, and your wallet is empty. I prefer women with lots of money.

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

Yeah, the execution

His eyes are peculiar. There is nothing in them, like an eclair without the cream filling. It’s wrong, lack of cream.

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.

Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

This is the sixty-nine,” I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers — two of them — on the action, so that he would not overlook it. “Why is...

Etiquette, or dog in the original Coptic, means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Some men break your heart in two,Some men fawn and flatter,Some men never look at you;And that cleans up the matter.

I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.

Never postpone until tomorrow what you can postpone until the day after.

Share and Enjoy’ is the company motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major land masses of three medium-sized planets and is the only part of the Corporation...

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:”I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair...

If I had my way no one should be taught to read until after he had passed his hundredth year. In that way, and in that way only can we protect our youth from the...

We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn’t have enough time to have sex with me.

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

If you’d just learn to do as I say from the beginning, I wouldn’t have to follow up your errors with reproving smirks and repeated ‘I told you so’s’.

I thought orange was a more electable color, so I dyed my whole cat orange, and renamed him Abe Lincoln. I licked his fur clean in celebration of his victory.

Don’t worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.

The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace’s. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace’s again. Take it and enjoy the consequences.

But even Es and cocaine, over the years they blow holes in your brain, rob you of your memories, your past. Which is fair enough, convenient even.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

Look, Laszlo. I’ll have the dentist with me, and I don’t want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk.”Shanna halted. Her mouth...

To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door, or I could pull my straw out of the water and stop setting...

Writing is my life. Life is my hobby.

We considered behaving, but it’s against our nature.

Percy wouldn’t notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby’s hats.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

If you meet an angel, you will have not peace, but a fever.

By brother is so young that to this day he still doesn’t exist.

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the...

Seriously, I ‘ve got to know if I need to protect you from people running with pencils.” ~ Laney

I hope you’re pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed – or worse, expelled. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to bed.

I’ve got a great body. It’s got four wheels under it and I drive it to work. I would give you a ride to work, but what am I, a camel? No, I’m the Love...

As an American, I’d like to apologize-for everything.

I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.

When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

You have naked angels running around your house,” Jenna continued through her laughter. Gabby laughed louder.

In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public...