If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

The government is so efficient it often takes two people to do the work of one. Actually, more accurately, it takes twice the manpower to do half the work.

My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

I hate you,” I muttered.Noah smiled wider. “I know.

EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

It’s all well and good to have profound thoughts on a regular basis, but I think it’s not enough. Well, I mean: I’m going to commit suicide and set the house on fire in a...

I had a dream about you. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed, like little kids, only we weren’t kids, we were just little. I think the technical term is midgets.

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North...

People need books like zombies need brains.

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn’t belong in a smart people’s club.

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

Last night at work, I was short people. I was two midgets and a mute.

Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn’t I choose the lesser good?

I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either way it felt great to be so directionless and unaware of my surroundings...

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

Adrian, we hashed this out! Everything’s gone perfectly until now. Why would you even think about deviating from the plan?”Um, because that’s how we roll?

Cynics are simply thwarted romantics.

Sometimes it’s the tiniest things that can mean the difference between life and death.

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

Out last chance is a cat’s magic sight. We are doomed.

I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you,” I told her, and she laughed.

Did you wake him?””If I say yes, will you spank me?”Syn rolled his eyes. “You’re horrible, Mari.

Mine,” Zane told the cat.

In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.

[There’s a] point where you have to leave the dough alone. It’s silly to anthropomorphize bread, but I love the fact that it needs to sit quietly, to retreat from touch and noise and drama,...

Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

I know. He doesn’t,” Lydia answered.

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

You possess other people’s…bodies.”He accepted that statement with a nod.”Do you want to possess my body?””I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that’s not one of them.

The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?

I could not recall the last time I had been so flagrantly insulted.Don’t make enemies, I told myself.Swallow your pride.Hold your tongue.But the fact was, I had real difficulty with those particular virtues.

Soup has water value, but water doesn’t have soup value. That’s like my love—really watery, but rather tasty.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn’t easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

I didn’t understand how. But the toilets had responded to me. I had become one with the plumbing…

Who can fail to mist at Fergie’s anthem, ‘My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.’ Hmmm. ‘My lunch, my lunch, I swear it’s coming up.

Love is shapeless and colorless and tasteless and odorless. But so is God, so how can you believe in one and not the other?

What’s the use of complaining about something you have no intentions of changing it?

I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from the other side of the world). It’s all morning all the time for...

Don’t make a feller wait too long. A feller waiting on a gal can get ornery’er than a huntin’ dog that’s tree’d it’s squirrel.

All right, I’ll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

Kids are baby goats. They’re cute and they have redeeming social value. You are definitely not kids.

Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other.