Crazy is relative.

If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.

Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!

After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, “When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, ‘That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in...

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top’s ‘Sharp Dressed Man’ or the opening line from ‘Born to be Wild’ by Steppenwolf – ‘Get...

It is quite futile to argue that man is small compared to the cosmos; for man was always small compared to the nearest tree.

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

The place where the story happened was a world on the back of four elephants perched on the shell of a giant turtle. That’s the advantage of space. It’s big enough to hold practically anything,...

I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.

Not only is my lover invisible, but she’s also nonexistent. Talk about a cheap date!

Depends on who’s winning the war.

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

More often than not, if a person is wearing a smile, there is a victim attached somewhere.

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.

If that’s the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake,” Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, “I’m all for fighting tyranny and oppression.

Love in a box. It’s a gift—for both of us, from both of us.

He smiled. “How kind of you to confirm what I already know. Perhaps next you will introduce me to myself. I hear I am quite popular.

When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn’t feel so terrible.This is...

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

The police thought she tried to kill me, and that’s what I thought too, so I tried to kill myself, so my attempted suicide would take away their suspicious of her attempted murder. Now that’s...

For a while. Minus the singing.

Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief.

All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

It’s not that I want you to go, it’s just that I don’t want you to stay.” – China Sorrows –

I smile more when people think ‘I am fool

Joshua’s ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here’s the gist of...

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

And I want J.K. Rowling to keep writing in the Potterverse, but I know that’s never going to happen,” I said blithely.

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

Of course, now I had the problem of communicating what I needed. Marlen was still beating on the door, and Dimitri would be up in a couple of minutes. I glared at the human, hoping...

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future,...

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

I’d like to see you try that in five inch heels!

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.

All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer.

How had they met? By chance, like everybody else. What were there names? What’s it to you? Where were they coming from? From the nearest place. Where were they going? Does anyone really know where...

I farted like a pack of crying onions. That was my response to her I love you.

I wouldn’t be comfortable, but at least I’d have marginal protection against pointy steel objects that went stab in the night.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.