After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up. Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean that you should necessarily...

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

I don’t know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves “Our Lady of the Perpetual Astonishment

Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: “Bring it in.”I took it in and spread...

Helen Keller, she just can’t see how much I love her. Also, she acts like she can’t hear my crying out for her. #WCW

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much–all of it wrong.

I thought the assassin was moving kind of slow for an assassin. Maybe the magic had done something after all. Or maybe he felt sorry for me. That sort of thing happens among cutthroats more...

I passed my past, because if I could get any of it back, I’d only want about a quarterback. That 25% would be the love I had for her, before I fumbled it away.

Occasionally, merely for the pleasure of being cruel, we put unoffending Frenchmen on the rack with questions framed in the incomprehensible jargon of their native language, and while they writhed, we impaled them, we peppered...

I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.

Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.

Stefan spat. “Oh, aye, he fell. O’ course, Master Ralon helped him fall, several times. Poor li’l tyke didn’t have a chance.

Our town was known for two things–no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption.

Nothing says I forgive you like a punch in the face.

Separating fact and fiction in Inca history is impossible, because virtually all the sources available are Spanish accounts of stories that had already been vetted by the Inca emperors to highlight their own heroic roles....

I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM.

We made love the way a man with one leg might run a marathon. 26.2 miles is a long way to hop for an orgasm.

Fuck. You. It’s foot… Yeah, it’s you.

I’m half good and I’m half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of…here.

It raises my spleen more than anything.

The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

I don’t accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says...

One winter I wrapped myself in newspaper, for warmth and for illiteracy.

The most popular labor saving device is still money.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

I’d like to sell mustaches in a can—for the connoisseur consumer and gentleman lover in every woman.

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

You can fuck your math teacher but you can’t fuck math.

I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Wraith snorted. “Cowards. Seriously. Who brings a gun to a knife fight? That’s cheating.””You don’t have a gun?” Kynan asked.Wraith made a face of digust. “It’s not very sporting to shoot people.””So you’re saying that...

One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem in becoming your own father or mother that a broad-minded and well-adjusted...

I have a Secret. I keep it under my arms in the form of deodorant.

If chance be the Father of all flesh, Disaster is his rainbow in the sky, And when you hear State of Emergency! Sniper Kills Ten! Troops on Rampage! Whites go Looting! Bomb Blasts School! It...

The world isn’t fair, Calvin.””I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

Love is the darkness that shines in our hearts. I bought you a flashlight. It’s broken, so you know I care.

very simple to earn in india, create a temple that’s it on the name of the any lord.

Being out in the sunlight brightens my mood, especially if that sunlight is reflected off the moon.

Hard work would really open doors for me. So would being disabled.

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play thefool no where but in’s own house.

I like pink.”Lucius sniffed. “It’s just red’s sorry, weak cousin.

You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

The lights were off so that his heads could avoid looking at each other because neither of them was currently a particular engaging sight, nor had they been since he had made the error of...

You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

Do you find this…distracting?