Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

Do you find this…distracting?

I’ll tell you what I can do, but I’ll tell you silently and invisibly, because honestly, there’s nothing I can do. And what I can do is love you.

Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic he received in return. “You can call me Solus.” His golden eyes trailed...

You can’t even begin to fathom the amount of fucks I do not give about what you want.

Boggling”. Making love to me is mind boggling.

Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time.

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks...

My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.

Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it’s there, but when it’s suddenly gone you’re forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs.

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

I smell like cat snuggles and sex, though from two different activities. I have just perfected my meatloaf-flavored ice cream, if you want to grab a spork.

Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a harmless remark, and someone else who hears it knows something that makes the remark have a different, and usually unpleasant, meaning. For instance, if you...

What do you think they’re going to do to us when they find us guilty?” she says after a few minutes of silence have passed.”Honestly?””Does now seem like the time for honesty?”I look at her...

I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.

The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.

A brick could be used as a pettable non-furry and non-meowing cat.

We made love like two tree branches in winter. We were naked and motionless.

He aimed at the lawyer’s heart but missed it. It was a mistrial.

Do you think it’s possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Wow, that long?

Some days being a writer consists of telling yourself you aren’t insane, your characters are.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Why can’t car washes be giant waterslides for cars? Speaking of fun, why can’t sex be fun, rather than something you begrudgingly pay for, like taxes.

Ouch! I feel bitch slapped– Matt Carter

Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!

Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. “Yum,” she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. “It’s made with tofu.”I can’t resist. “Free-range tofu?”My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes...

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well.

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — ‘Cuppa tea, cuppa tea… almost got shagged… cuppa tea’?

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

Don’t be stupider than you need to be, I remind myself. Remember Calease? The last glowing girl you talked to tried to kill you.

☺☺ When a man gets you 99, he starts to think, he may only have another 10 years of sexy lovemaking left… Still Smiling At 99. ☺☺

You have a valid complaint, and I do recognize it … but you are reading into things a little bit. Just the same, I will do my best to make horrible things happen to a...

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

What do you call someone who watches you in your private moments? They used to be called a pervert, but now they’re called an NSA agent.

The meaning of life is XXXXXXXXXXX… Redaction mark? What redaction mark?

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Though firm, we are never too firm, though we love fun, we never have fun in a silly way that makes us appear ridiculous, unless that is our intent.

I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?And of course there clearly had to be, said Koomi, a Supreme Being. But since the universe was a...

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.

OK, maybe one iota, or two iotas at most, but definitely not three.

In his opinion, working was vastly overrated. Particularly as a way to build character, for everyone who engaged in it was far too snappish and fussy, and seemed to have no manners at all.