I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

game over.

Aren’t we all a bunch of weirdos?

I can’t believe you just did that! Are you crazy?”I gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Why do people keep asking me that?”He turned to stare at me, his eyes worried. “Who else keeps asking you...

Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They’re like, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’m like, ‘the end of your industry.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

I mean that it’s all right to go to bed with an asshole but don’t ever have a baby with one.

Blood is really warm,it’s like drinking hot chocolatebut with more screaming.

Few humans see fairies or hear their music, but many find fairy rings of dark grass, scattered with toadstools, left by their dancing feet.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.

Agatha, what do you see when you look in the mirror?””I don’t look in mirrors.””Why is that?””Because horses and hogs don’t sit around ogling their reflections!

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War.

Creo que no me equivoco al pensar, querido mío, que naciste justo a mitad del invierno, ,no es así?-No-contestó Harry-.Nací en julio.

I had a dream I was a millionaire. So I’m still in my coma don’t try and wake me.

The sexiest advice:Dear humans, stop role-playing in your lives; these sort of things are meant to be explored only at times you won’t mention in public.

I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.

I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you’ll have to go see the good doc anyway.

It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part...

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

I am so awesome. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

First rule of Angel Club, you do not talk about Angel Club.

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

If you replace the letter “s” with the letter “x,” you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, “fences” would become “fencex,” and I’d say good fencex makes good neighbors.

Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

Straightening, I asked, “What do you believe in?””Old love songs, best friends, the collected works of J.R.R.Tolkien, crispy pork egg rolls with just the right amount of grease, the Big Boss and eternity.””The Big Boss?”Zachary...

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can’t live without a culture anymore.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.

Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his...

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

I’m hungry for success. And lasagna.

I’m fine,” Kate said. “In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better.””Bad deduction,” Jessie said. “If that were true, I’d be dating Harrison Ford by now.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

This was one of those times that a pint just wouldn’t cut it.

You can’t believe that AIDS is a curse from God against Gays without accepting that Lyme Disease is a curse from the same God against Deer Hunters…

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam

have i gone mad?im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.