You cannot function in an unction you don’t take action on.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

Mrs. Panabaker is ten years older than God and probably smarter. She stops into the offices every other Thursday to tell my dad what she didn’t like about his sermon the previous Sunday. She makes...

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

Poseidon’s underpants! You can’t be serious.

Love is a hooray in your heart. How can I describe how I feel about her except to say it’s almost like swimming in hot nacho cheese sauce, being chased down by a stoned Michael...

CREONTA: Rope! My rope! Hang those two thieves by the neck until they are dead.THE ROPE: Alack, but vile and ill-natured female! Upon wherein did thine affections tarry when I didst but lie here and...

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

You make me sound like an arrogant ass,” he said.”Are you?””No! I’m just me.

The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.

The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

If you wanted to kill me, why haven’t you smothered me in my sleep?” “No sport in that.” She gestured towards the ceiling. “Can I expect to be strung up on that bar and gutted...

I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power.

If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.

I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.

[A]s Agatha Swanburne once said, ‘To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions.

I hear they make greeting cards now to thank your therapist… for NOTHING

Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.

I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!

You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.

I’m walking downstairs and upstairs at the same time. I’m in love.

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

If I met a man who had eleven sons, the first thing I’d ask is, Are they all yours? And of course the next question I’d ask is, which one plays quarterback and which one...

To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.

I’m crazy in love. I’m just crazy.

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn’t breakfasted. It’s only after...

And next time you’re planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders.

My fur is silky, damn it.

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.

I love you” can stop bleeding faster than a Band-Aid. It’s true. It worked for me after I stabbed my grandpa.

I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I just have to build a house around it.

If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves...

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

So when the moon’s only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?” “You could say that.””Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.””I’m a...

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

If you’ve never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

I have family all over. And when they’re all over, I leave the house and go anywhere else.

She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.

I had a dream about you. You shot me with a shooting star, but I was impervious because I was wearing a suit of armor made out of cynicism.

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager,...

Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex.””At least you know he’s still available.

The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!” he screamed.CHICKEN!” the crowd responded.Rice!”PEAS!”And then, all together: “WE GOT HIGHER SATs.”Hip Hip Hip Hooray!” the Colonel cried.YOU’LL BE WORKIN’ FOR US SOMEDAY!

Just friends it is then” he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch.

I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?

I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To make things right I might just call Phillip and hang up.

There’s bird shit on my toilet paper, and my asshole stings from such a long flight.