If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

There’s kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don’t pet her for 10 minutes she’ll bother you for six hours.

The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I’d be a 400 pound guy.

I think ‘Dilbert’ will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. ‘Dilbert’ is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it...

Losers have goals. Winners have systems.

I’m not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I’m terribly uncomfortable.

When you hire that first person, then you’re a boss. You’ve got performance reviews. You’ve got complaints about not making enough money. You’ve got people who are just going to sell your story to the...

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

A goal is a specific objective that you either achieve or don’t sometime in the future. A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long...

Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that’s O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and...

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Obviously there’s not much options when you’re a cartoonist – you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let’s face it, a hamster with Alzheimer’s could make those kind of numbers. It’s great work if you can get it.

In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can’t use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk – anything than can’t kill you immediately.

You don’t have to be a person of influence to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how...

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there’s something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer.

The best things in life are silly.

I’m predicting that we’ll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with ‘thought you’d be interested,’ and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind...

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

It doesn’t take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to findsomeone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It isfutile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someonewho is capable of...

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

The greenest home is the one you don’t build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that’s already built. Better yet, live in the forest...

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Home is pretty utopian.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

My investments have been hurt.

There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

You don’t have to be a ‘person of influence’ to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, ‘You know, I’m the only person in this restaurant who can’t draw.’

If you want to understand UFOs, reincarnation and God, do not study UFOs, reincarnation and God. Study people.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

I love magazines. It’s such McNugget kind of information.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn...

If a job’s worth doing, it’s too hard.