The best you can hope for in a relationship is to findsomeone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It isfutile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someonewho is capable of...

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

The greenest home is the one you don’t build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that’s already built. Better yet, live in the forest...

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Home is pretty utopian.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

My investments have been hurt.

There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

You don’t have to be a ‘person of influence’ to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, ‘You know, I’m the only person in this restaurant who can’t draw.’

If you want to understand UFOs, reincarnation and God, do not study UFOs, reincarnation and God. Study people.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

I love magazines. It’s such McNugget kind of information.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn...

If a job’s worth doing, it’s too hard.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

‘Dilbert’ became popular during the downsizing of the ’90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

My old life – no amount of getting used to it would have made it right.

You don’t argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn’t eat candy for dinner. You don’t punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don’t argue when a women...

I’ve always defined myself not as a cartoonist , but as an entrepreneur. That was true before I tried cartooning. I always imagined cartooning would be how I got my seed capital. I always thought...

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. — Dogbert’s Motto

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

I had several different bosses during the early years of ‘Dilbert.’ They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

Theory of Evolution (Summary)First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.

You’re thinking I’m one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I’m not. I say its a free country...

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing.

Lately…the Peter Principle has given way to the “Dilbert Principle.” The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least...

Let’s form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

I try to avoid giving advice.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have...

I burned out my drawing hand by using it too much. The common word for it is writer’s cramp. The fancy words for it are focal dystonia. The symptom in my case was a pinky...

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

I’m surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.

Idiocy in the modern age isn’t an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It’s a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I’m primarily just an investor.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.