The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let’s face it, a hamster with Alzheimer’s could make those kind of numbers. It’s great work if you can get it.

In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can’t use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk – anything than can’t kill you immediately.

You don’t have to be a person of influence to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how...

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there’s something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer.

The best things in life are silly.

I’m predicting that we’ll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with ‘thought you’d be interested,’ and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind...

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

It doesn’t take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to findsomeone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It isfutile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someonewho is capable of...

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

The greenest home is the one you don’t build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that’s already built. Better yet, live in the forest...

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Home is pretty utopian.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

My investments have been hurt.

There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

You don’t have to be a ‘person of influence’ to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, ‘You know, I’m the only person in this restaurant who can’t draw.’

If you want to understand UFOs, reincarnation and God, do not study UFOs, reincarnation and God. Study people.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

I love magazines. It’s such McNugget kind of information.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn...

If a job’s worth doing, it’s too hard.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

‘Dilbert’ became popular during the downsizing of the ’90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

My old life – no amount of getting used to it would have made it right.

You don’t argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn’t eat candy for dinner. You don’t punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don’t argue when a women...

I’ve always defined myself not as a cartoonist , but as an entrepreneur. That was true before I tried cartooning. I always imagined cartooning would be how I got my seed capital. I always thought...

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. — Dogbert’s Motto

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

I had several different bosses during the early years of ‘Dilbert.’ They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

Theory of Evolution (Summary)First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.