You’re thinking I’m one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I’m not. I say its a free country...

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing.

Lately…the Peter Principle has given way to the “Dilbert Principle.” The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least...

Let’s form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

I try to avoid giving advice.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have...

I burned out my drawing hand by using it too much. The common word for it is writer’s cramp. The fancy words for it are focal dystonia. The symptom in my case was a pinky...

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

I’m surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.

Idiocy in the modern age isn’t an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It’s a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I’m primarily just an investor.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don’t let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it’s not like I’m just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never...

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

There’s kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don’t pet her for 10 minutes she’ll bother you for six hours.

The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I’d be a 400 pound guy.

I think ‘Dilbert’ will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. ‘Dilbert’ is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it...

Losers have goals. Winners have systems.

I’m not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I’m terribly uncomfortable.

When you hire that first person, then you’re a boss. You’ve got performance reviews. You’ve got complaints about not making enough money. You’ve got people who are just going to sell your story to the...

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

A goal is a specific objective that you either achieve or don’t sometime in the future. A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long...

Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that’s O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and...

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Obviously there’s not much options when you’re a cartoonist – you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let’s face it, a hamster with Alzheimer’s could make those kind of numbers. It’s great work if you can get it.

In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can’t use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk – anything than can’t kill you immediately.

You don’t have to be a person of influence to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how...

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there’s something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer.

The best things in life are silly.

I’m predicting that we’ll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with ‘thought you’d be interested,’ and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind...

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

It doesn’t take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to findsomeone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It isfutile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someonewho is capable of...

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

The greenest home is the one you don’t build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that’s already built. Better yet, live in the forest...