wouldn’t you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?’As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs...

My favorite quote in the world is this one.

You’re such a pain in the ass. (Butch) Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)

Stephanie took another puff from her candy cigarette, reached into her purse, brought out the rest of the pack, and said, “Want one of these damned cigarettes?

I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used them. To improve his work, I’d combine the words in a different way...

If art can never offer levity, then I’ll have none of it!

Her love was decaffeinated, and mine wasn’t. Her love was also black, and mine was creamy and sweet. How could she not want to drink it up?

Bett didn’t have any siblings because she said her father had preserved what was dead for too long to be able to create life. When Bet was younger and had begged for one, her father...

Poetry is not an art, it’s a symptom.

It was pretty miserable wretches that minded at all whether they were wet or dry. He could not understand why such people had been born. “It’s nothing but damned eccentricity to want to be dry”...

Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted.

Novels are written word by word. If you can write a word, and then another word, you can write a novel—assuming your novel will be two words long. Here’s a two-word romance novel: I do....

If everyone wants to be somebody, I want to be somebody else

The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.

And it’s really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

Should I be writing this down?

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father’s shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket...

And gag you,” Joseph cheerfully reminded them.

In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?

A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That’s it. That’s all I got.

I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.

Don’t get mad about the infestation of fleas if you keep shopping at the dog pound.

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

I’m invisible, and the only way to show you would be to not show you. My love can also be proven without proof.

I’m sorry to hear that.

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

The English winter is long, cold and wet, just like the English summer

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

When Eve upon the first of MenThe apple press’d with specious cant,Oh! what a thousand pities thenThat Adam was not adamant!

f”?

Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it’s sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use a squeegee, because I don’t like squeezing sponges. The only time I like...

Dragons didn’t fool around when it came to protecting things that they acquired—be it gold, gems, or a monster’s body parts.

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

Julio was willing to bet that Officer “I’ve Seen It All” Mac had never seen a horde of black-skinned demons wearing rags and armor and carrying swords and spears, dragging a naked woman and a...

When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Man, it was a good thing vampires didn’t get cancer. Lately he’d been chain-smoking like a felon.

What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

Knackered inmates are easier to control than pumped-up ones. And dead inmates are even easier to control, if you follow me.

I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.

Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife

Man is conceived in sin and born in corruption and he passeth from the stink of the didie to the stench of the shroud. There is always something(All The King’s Men)

I’d like to make a statement, and I’d like to make it out of my own small intestines.

Sticking a straw up your butt won’t get rid of the constipation.

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.

Go naked. Trust me, if you don’t have a thing to wear, that’s the obvious choice.

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.