I’m not rich in paper money, I’m rich in packets of sugar. Actually, I’m richer, because at least the packets of sugar have some real value.

We learned the seven traditional ways to make words unclear.””Seven? That many? Which was the most effective?””Poor grammar skills.

The best reason to fall in love is because you’re alive, your heart is open, and your wallet is empty. I prefer women with lots of money.

Vous eprouves trop d’emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will...

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to...

Mia: I was sixteen when I first realized my mom was more concerned about my appearance than I was… I’ll be talking to my mom and realize she hasn’t heard a word because she’s studying...

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

What are you, Zombie Slayer Barbie?” The big man in the back barked a laugh. “You’ll pay for that one.

I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.

Maybe I’m some sort of perverted cartoon-sexual.

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be...

Clear clutter. Make space for you.

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:”I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair...

Lysistrata: Oh, Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky and sly…Calonicé: And they are quite right, upon my word!Lysistrata: Yet, look you, when the...

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

Thank you,” Ben replied, looking modest.

Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!

Kelley. Your name is Kelley, isn’t it?” He didn’t wait for her confirmation. “Yes. Well. Tell me…that bit just now…was that from Dante’s Inferno?”Uh…no,” Kelley stammered. Her face felt hot.Really?”I’m in for it.Are you sure?”...

Don’t worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.

Try not to have a good time…this is supposed to be educational.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

Everyone please stand behind the yellow line until the doors open. No food, drink, flash photography, or video cameras are permitted. Once aboard the ride, please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at...

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

You’re staring,” Lana said.”Yes. I am. I’m a teenage boy. Beautiful girls in wet underwear have a tendency to cause staring in teenage boys.

Writing is my life. Life is my hobby.

You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I’m blind?

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.

And so the Universe ended.

This is the moment I have dreaded, the very reason why we kept running, even when it seemed hopeless. We all seemed to believe if we kept running, we would never die. But what exactly...

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the...

If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.

I’ve got a great body. It’s got four wheels under it and I drive it to work. I would give you a ride to work, but what am I, a camel? No, I’m the Love...

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.

I’ve got a Don Baylor,” J.T. said.”California sucks this year.”Ralph snickered. “I wouldn’t use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street.

When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here’s another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in...

J is the sexiest letter, followed closely by a,r,o,d, and then k,i,n,t,z.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.

When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.

Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?”I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was...

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

Never start a fight with your hands in your pockets. Unless you’re instigating with an armless man.

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]Since I’m an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn’t care less — it’s not like it’ll have any impact on me,...

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to...

Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality?