Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

Life is all about exploring yourself, discovering yourself and grooming yourself, then you will surely stop negative thinking.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

You’re only as old as you feel.

I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.-Calvin

I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot...

The Little Boy and the Old ManSaid the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”Said the old man, “I do that too.”The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”I do that too,” laughed the little...

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

I mean, I am totally not one of those prudes who believe having sex as a teenager is some kind of mortal sin or social death. I don’t have a problem with sex. I just...

Shouting something didn’t make it any more possible.

Halved. That was every time. My laughter was for idiots, for their unjustifiable idiocy and for myself for an unrelenting conviction to them, for that unforgivable instance I leveled myself to them. At that awkward...

Schizophrenia. And I’m still having it.”

Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life.

Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Failure is not an option. It just happens all the time. Like, all the time.

This book will prove the following ten facts:1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.3. All power corrupts, but we need...

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

The Rockies are the backbone of this country. And I’m no doctor, but I think we have scoliosis.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call “food”.

I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.

Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.

Fish strips—where food meets getting naked. My love is also nourishing and nude, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get in line with the rest of the starving perverts.

[regarding a toothache] It made me realize how much one’s mind is at the mercy of one’s physical well-being, as at times I felt quite demented. My admiration for people who withhold information under torture...

Great. This girl was going to seriously mess with my ability to stay on parole. ~Maggie Mae Castro

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt

Snoring keeps the monsters away.

Something you killed didn’t stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin.

I want to be the leading man in a story about followers.

So-called intellectuals conceptualize love; fools just love.Fools breathe air; intellectuals (so called) breathe ego.

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly...

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of popcorn takes to finish popping. That’s about twice the length of my marriage,...

What’s wrong with you? I asked myself. You are a happy person. You are an upbeat sort of person. Men smile at you on the subway, women ask you what shampoo you use. Cheer up...

My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a...

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

He didn’t care if I hated him, only that I did as I was told.

I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.

To most people, if you’re muttering, you might as well be speaking a foreign language. I should know, because in college I took two years of muttering.

…and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s,...

Charlene says:I hope I can be a star. I want to be able to set goals so I know where I’m going. It feels like I’ve been sort of floating around without being sure where...

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!