Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?” Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.”Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know,” Claire said.”Then why are you all up in...

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they...

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

Fuck. I knew it,” she whispered.

The Mile High City has mile-high expectations. That’s 5,280 feet, you know. That’s five millipedes and 2.8 centipedes for all you lovers out there.

She jotted down the order, then forced herself to meet his gaze. “It’s going to be a bit of a wait, we’re short-staffed this morning.” The following words rushed out of her. “And breakfast’s on...

God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

Sexy isn’t my middle name. Lust-factory is, with the hyphen.

fine” has like seventy meanings and depending on voice inflexion can actually mean ‘If I’m questioned again I’ll stab you in your sleep’.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

We were still twirling around the tiny parking lot when the neighborsscreamed ‘Happy New Year’. Unfortunately we weren’t sober enough torealize that was our cue to call it a night. Josh had a new beer...

There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.

We fought, we drank coffee, and then we made up. Then I made up the part about us having made out, because I was trying to impress my ex girlfriend and grandma (two people, not...

You can only move if you are actually in the moment. You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.

Fortunately, he’d found that most people were easy to locate at five thirty in the morning. .

I’m glad the government can’t tax love, because I’d owe them a lot of it. And I’d be forced to tell them how much my ex wife stole.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone.

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.

You look disappointed to see me, Zach,” Macey teased. “Don’t you like my jacket?

With the development of the printing press, not only could text be mass-produced quickly, it could also be mass-produced quickly and incorrectly.

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots, roots, and bearded forest creatures. Love me now, before I remove my undergrowth.

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.

I’ve been living on the edge for so long, my friends call me Cliff

Ha, Euann put a mint in there.

Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it.

Never tell people when to meet; tell them when to leave.

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn’t the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at...

I chug coffee—for fun and for love.

Life is like a one rung ladder, some days you can be on the top and bottom of the world at the same time

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

Coffee excites my mind in ways not describable my words. The closest approximation is a sperm whale in orgasm, only silent and bubblier.

If you want to go foraging into the wilds of Canada without proper gear, you deserve what you get, even if that happens to include being attacked by an undead moose.

I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

I don’t want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who died. I want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who left and actually did something with her life. Then...

I’ve done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.

I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.

Strange, how in all those apocalyptic movies, when their society breaks down into lawlessness and anarchy, Canada is always the haven of safety, the place people want to escape to.

Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.

It’s 3:33 am as I’m writing this down on loose sheets of printer paper. I’m in the back office sitting behind the manager’s desk, just enjoying the good life. In essence, this job enables me...

You know what? Don’t explain. Just—put your clothes on, both of you.

I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren’t literally made of fire.

His name was Skip, but I didn’t. I waited patiently in line behind him. But do not be confused. I am not the kind of lover who lets other men go first.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Dear Ian, I felt good. I felt like a Christian to the T. Also to the Chris, Ian.