Writing is my dream. From romance to dragons; fairies to fantasy worlds, this is where I live and play. Thanks be to God!

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

Pele popularized the bicycle kick, and I created the unicycle kick. It’s like the bicycle kick, only it requires more balance and one less wheel.

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my...

Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we’re more tolerant, and we are–but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, “We think you’re...

You’ll be bereft without me.

You think I’d cheat on you?” I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.”With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables… There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of...

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

Hey, Captain Neckbeard! Less talky-talky, more worky-worky!” Wednesday shouted rudely down at the man who had been changing the tire. She wasn’t planning on taking shit from a tow truck driving hick today or any...

It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it’s smarter to get ordered to do it.

New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun...

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp…this is one of those moments.

Whether you think you’re right or you think you’re wrong. You’re right.””If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint.

There’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork, greatest of Discworld cities.At least, there’s a saying that there’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.And it’s wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork,...

Whaaaaaat is going on?” May whispered out of the corner of her mouth.”I’m sort of comforted by the fact that I can’t figure it out,” Jack responded.

If I owned a retail store, I’d keep my shelves empty, so it appeared my product was so popular it was always sold out. Of course, I’d make no sales because I’d have no product...

Sillman looked at his interrogator with hopeless eyes. ‘I think while I was passed out, I dreamed about my mom’s gingerbread cookies. Maybe the guy who knocked on the glass was eatin’ one.’ ‘Mm,’ said...

You have been spying all along,” Conrad said, unconvinced. “The manhunt for you was a ruse.””Check with the emperor,” Ferrin replied coolly…. “That will not take long,” said a man in the corner, studiously picking...

My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!

God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is.

Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I’m the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!Rukia: Wha–wha’d you say? A rescuer isn’t supposed to ignore the rescuee!Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why...

I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me to remove my gas mask. And what kind of sensible girl is going...

I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales.

WINE!Because these problems aren’t going to forget THEMSELVES!

It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn’t want to move around very much.

I didn’t have time to bury the money. All my precious time was taken up burying the body. I should have left the body and hid the cash. Damn! Now I’ve got no body, but...

There they were, the movers and shakers of Benjamin Franklin Hight – the sports stars, the cheerleaders, the good, the great, the gorgeous – bent over their pizzas.Trish sensed my angst and said, “My mother...

Rumour is information distilled so finely that it can filter through anything.

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

I’m going on a diet. (Crud, I know)I am going to be cranky. I am going to be irritable.I am going to be moody and sad and mean. And, yes, I am going to be hungry. Please don’t...

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. ‘I see that my period of intellectual respite has come...

If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

One time, in New Orleans at a youth convention for my church, I read out of the phone book during a talent show. I made it all the way to ‘J’ before people started booing.

Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget.

When people say there is no place like home, the first to agree are the homeless.

Really, for all the poetry in the world on the subject, when you get right down to it, it’s mostly just boom! penis vagina.

Belatedly, Clary recalled something. “I thought you guys said only some of the vampire bikes could fly?”…[Jace:]”Only some of them can!” “How did you know this was one of them?” “I didn’t!” he shouted gleefully…

A company with no advertising is like a car with no headlights—it runs smoothly during the day, when people are awake and shopping, and saves money at night, when people are asleep.

At least that left hope for him. Except “Beauty and the Geek” wasn’t exactly the proper translation of the popular fairy tale.

Atty’s eyes rested on Darby with all the subtlety of a dog watching his food bowl being filled!

He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

Würde man Rooney als metrosexuell bezeichnen, würde er sich wohl zuerst verwundert am Quadratschädel kratzen und dann vorsichtshalber zuschlagen.

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it’s enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable

Mother doesn’t cook, Ignatius said dogmatically, She burns.