Fact is just fiction with different storytellers

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

That’s quite the specific search…’Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches’—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves.

And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass.

I’m productive. I make things like directions. Mostly I just make things up.

I did not become a runner to lose weight, I did it to escape my computer

If we choose to behave differently, we are considered ‘Mad’ or ‘immature

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

In this, then, lies their power of understanding–understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the...

I’ve never been in love, but if a penguin can find a soul mate, I’m sure I can, too.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.

I like to search for class struggle in strange domains. For example it is clear that in classical Hollywood, the couple of vampires and zombies designates class struggle. Vampires are rich, they live among us....

If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you’d have? One hour? Two hours?...

I’m not a hillbilly—I’m a hillwilliam. Or, rather, a William Hill. That was my name at the last networking conference, when I stole a nametag to make friends without fear of insulting them with lasting...

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor’s cap.Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne...

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he’d left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

I’m a sound sleeper. Every time I hear a sound I wake up. Sometimes I envy Helen Keller.

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

If you’re going to be a narcissistic schmuck, kid, don’t bother studying Faulkner. Go straight to Brett Easton Ellis. He’s the role model you need.

The internet’s a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.

The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross?

Give me coffee or give me death. Or if not death, at least let me sleep a little bit longer.

I make love like you might make an omelet. At least, I’m hoping you might make an omelet, because I skipped breakfast like a child skips home from the class he just skipped.

True storyThis morning I jumped on my horseAnd went for a ride,And some wild outlaws chased meAnd shot me in the side.So I crawled into a wildcats caveTo find a place to hideBut some pirates...

I was looped in on your little romantic quest. The only way to get me out without it looking suspicious was to suggest that I come after you dumb asses, since I supposedly know your...

Blood looks like red wine, but doesn’t go as well with cheese. And too much is spilled in war. No wine should ever be spilled on a battlefield.

I’m sure I’ll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It’s just that you sounded so…twat-ish just then.

Did you meet your soul mate? That always happens on the first day of school, right?”Oh God, Charlie, she’s letting you read again! You went straight to the paranormal section, didn’t you?

I love food that carries food. Run, waiter, before I eat you too.

Why, on to the castle, to kill the royal family, and claim the throne that isn’t mine by right!

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Darling, i wish someone would realize im not happy. im alone and in pain because of you leaving me and never coming home. im nothng compared to you but i feel like im everything better...

I had a dream about you, and in the dream you were dreaming of me. We were meant for each other subconsciously.

Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and...

I brush my teeth like they are gray cumulonimbus clouds, and I floss like I fish. Can I offer you a small piece of salmon?

Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ’s having healed his mother-in-law.

You’re just lying in the dirt and singing. That’s weird. I thought you were supposed to be some kind of scary monster.

I only love her. I lonely love her.

No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I had a dream about you. I smiled and you waved, and it’s unfortunate that neither one of these gestures was directed at each other. The person I was smiling at was the same person...

Twango’s hospitality, though largely symbolic, does him credit.

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.””Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.””We need...