And, beginning to grind his teeth again, Pyotr Petrovich admitted that he’d been a fool–but only to himself, of course.

Nice to meet you, Dick,” Drew retorted.

I had a dream about you, and in the dream you were dreaming of me. We were meant for each other subconsciously.

You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.

I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

Severe isn’t a word normally associated with a cold. Severe is for weather or third-degree burns…No one responds ‘severe’ when someone asks how her cold is.In fact, nine out of ten Americans respond to ‘How’s...

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by...

Sometimes I notice I’m demented, especially at sunset.

If you make some comment even obliquely alluding to menstruation or menopause and its effect on my judgment,” Murphy interrupted, “I will break your arm in eleven places.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, “Do you think I...

Let’s get you into a room and conduct our own chemistry experiment,” he said against my lips.”Or maybe we’ll just find a table to bend you over, since chemists do it on a table… periodically.””Mmm....

If that phone ain’t ringing, I assume it still ain’t you” Randy Travis

Non mi piacciono i matrimoni combinati. Ci sono sbagli dei quali non bisognerebbe mai poter incolpare i propri poveri genitori.

If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy.

In some stories, it’s easy. The moral of “The Three Bears,” for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.” The moral of “Snow White” is “Never eat apples.” The moral of World War One...

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren’t even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were “really there”.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

I once saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I didn’t know infants could be terrorists.

That’s the problem with this never-ending centipede of lemmings, Beck. You know they’re all pussies, each and every one of ’em. They buy these books to get scared because their lives are too easy. How...

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

I had a dream about you. I walked by and you whistled like I was a piece of meat. And I was a piece of meat—I was a thin slice of ham. You were two...

When I pass the bar, you’ll be barred from bars but put behind them.

In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily...

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.

If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.

I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents’ prayers . Because they dance with love and passion . But my parents just say their prayers because they got used to it .

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills.

You don’t find a masked man wielding a gun interesting? Tell me…what do you find interesting then-Matt Carter

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

He is not a man wedded to action, Boleyn, but rather a man who stands by, smirking and stroking his beard; he thinks he looks enigmatic, but instead he looks as if he’s pleasuring himself.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

They had not been long there before Lord Dumbello did group himself. ‘Fine day,’ he said, coming up and occupying the vacant position by Miss Grantly’s elbow.’We were driving to-day and we thought it rather...

If you jotted down all of my ill-thought out comments, you could write a book entitled, Guide to Getting Punched in the Throat for Boneheads-Mad Hatter in “Death of the Mad Hatter” (Coming Soon!)

I like sex to be intense. I also like sex to be in tents.

Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police – preferably in writing.

they were looking for housekeepers and cooks, and I was dying to get out of Australia and see the rest of the world. It’s a Sagittarius thing, you know. We just move on and on,...

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

There was an omnivorous intellect that won him the family sobriquet of Walking Encyclopedia.

It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case...

If I could get back my youth, I’d do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable.

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay–this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could...

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: “What the heck is going on down there?

… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.

Who is this man?”Chinaman, or rather half Chinese and half German. Got a daft name. Calls himself Doctor No – Doctor Julius No.”No? Spelt like Yes?”That’s right.

My erection is made of iron, and metal detectors make me horny.

I don’t know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.