When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

You have naked angels running around your house,” Jenna continued through her laughter. Gabby laughed louder.

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn’t feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. “Do I look dead to you?

J is the sexiest letter, followed closely by a,r,o,d, and then k,i,n,t,z.

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start...

Never start a fight with your hands in your pockets. Unless you’re instigating with an armless man.

Dragons are among the most ancient spirits. Their origins are not known, but they significantly predate the rise of man. [This author advises the reader never to ask a dragon about the early days of...

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

Beans are a warm cloak against economic cold.

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired how her green Starbucks apron matched her bright green eyes. She had hair...

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in...

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

He walked straight out of college into the waiting arms of the Navy. They gave him an intelligence test. The first question on the math part had to do with boats on a river: Port...

Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.

I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.

Okay, don’t get mad.” She pulled out my stake — or at least something that looked like my stake,only the hilt of it was now covered in bright blue crystals and diamond-like gems.”You Bedazzled my...

Hearts can’t be broken because they’re made of marzipan.

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

Oh Blimey O‘Reilly’s pantyhose…what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.What light doth through yonder window break?It’s the bloody moon, for God’s sake,...

I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking.

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee.

Moderation is the key to old age and the doorway to boredom

I always find that if I sit down, a solution presents itself!

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

I came into the room, which was half dark, and presently spotted Lord Kelvin in the audience and realised that I was in for trouble at the last part of my speech dealing with the...

The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table.

Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

Doesn’t like you? She hates you!

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

Like the dancing.

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

Caitlyn (telling a story of her friend): So. [She] grew up and left Neverland for the distant planet called College…And made a bunch of new friends. So. There was the one guy who was there...

3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns...

I loved the feeling of finally falling in love to someone who would love me back.

It’s like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich…not Dick. Hell I’d even settle for being called Chard.

Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.