Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?” Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.”Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know,” Claire said.”Then why are you all up in...

Love is like being featherless in mid flight and not even wondering if you taste like chicken. My love must taste like ostrich, because I’m always running from it.

I had a dream about you. I watched you grow up, and though I enjoyed the whole process, it did get pretty uncomfortable sitting in the tree holding those binoculars all those years.

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know.

She jotted down the order, then forced herself to meet his gaze. “It’s going to be a bit of a wait, we’re short-staffed this morning.” The following words rushed out of her. “And breakfast’s on...

I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.

My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.

If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.

It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.Opal...

We were still twirling around the tiny parking lot when the neighborsscreamed ‘Happy New Year’. Unfortunately we weren’t sober enough torealize that was our cue to call it a night. Josh had a new beer...

This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance – a sharp, vindictive glance.

Fortunately, he’d found that most people were easy to locate at five thirty in the morning. .

Being a writer is 1% inspiration, 50% perspiration and 49% explaining you’re not a millionaire like J.K.Rowling.

Inside the mirrored elevator, Mulch used a telescopic pointer to push P for the penthouse. For the first few months he had jumped to reach the button, but that was undignified behavior for a millionaire....

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Yet, for my part, I was never usually squeamish; I could sometimes eat a fried rat with a good relish, if it were necessary. I am glad to have drunk water so long, for the...

With the development of the printing press, not only could text be mass-produced quickly, it could also be mass-produced quickly and incorrectly.

Yeah, you could say her and I are lovers. She wouldn’t say it, and neither would I, but you could.

You can’t even begin to fathom the amount of fucks I do not give about what you want.

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli’s new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog...

Ha, Euann put a mint in there.

Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.’That’s some catch, that Catch-22,’ he observed.’It’s the best there is,’ Doc Daneeka agreed.Yossarian saw it...

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

Never tell people when to meet; tell them when to leave.

I am but a flower. Do with me what thou wilt.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say if I asked you to turquoise?

A brick could be used as a pettable non-furry and non-meowing cat.

If you want to go foraging into the wilds of Canada without proper gear, you deserve what you get, even if that happens to include being attacked by an undead moose.

If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. Was that racist? Only if you’re trying to stir up political votes.

I’ve done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.

Don’t drink my tears. They will only make you thirsty. And sad.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Strange, how in all those apocalyptic movies, when their society breaks down into lawlessness and anarchy, Canada is always the haven of safety, the place people want to escape to.

I didn’t apply for a job this morning, but I did apply deodorant. So I have that going for me.

I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren’t literally made of fire.

I am ever a gentle maiden,” she shouted. “Damn if I’m not.

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. “Yum,” she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. “It’s made with tofu.”I can’t resist. “Free-range tofu?”My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes...

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

I couldn’t help but notice how hot he looked tonight with his strong build lining his t-shirt. He should never cover his beauty with clothes and such things. – Ariel

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

Given his personality, I’d say exorcism makes perfect sense as a favored pastime.

Love is like politics, I think as I then think no it isn’t.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...