You are blessed with luck, small one’, he told Harry. ‘Rejoice and give thanks – – someone wants you dead.

Wizards don’t believe in gods in the same way that most people don’t find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they’re there, they know they’re there for a purpose, they’d probably agree...

If you rest, you rust.

It’s easier to start writing if you have something to write about, rather than staring at a blank screen thinking about nothing because you’re trying to think about everything. Try writing about love. I’ve proven...

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Theaters” I think it is horribly unfair that children and old people get discounts, but blind people have to pay full price.

Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be...

Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.

While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Like pets, I name my leftover food. Only I name them all after myself, partly so my coworkers won’t eat them in the fridge, but mostly out of vanity.

There ain’t a body, be it mouse or man, that ain’t made better by a little soup.

Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldn’t trust it. Often you couldn’t even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else—coincidence, maybe, or providence. You...

If you think my current job is boring, you should see the sleeper I did before. (I worked as a mattress salesman.)

Taste my tears and tell me I don’t have the saltiest love you’ve ever licked. My love for you is like a liquid potato chip.

… my heart skips a beat. Seriously, like a CD from the public library, it goes ZZebbTTT and skips.

You’re so vain, I bet you think this Special National Intelligence Estimate is about you.

I mined my clone’s thoughts. I hope he doesn’t mind.

I could have blamed it on the intoxication of youth. Others might find fault on just intoxication. My parents would say that it was an act of plain stupidity. Reality would point out that it...

Stories don’t care who takes part in them. All that matters if that the story gets told, that the story repeats. Or, if you prefer to think of it like this: stories are a parasitical...

If I ever meet myself,’ said Zaphod, ‘I’ll hit myself so hard I won’t know what’s hit me.

It has often been saidthere’s so much to be read,you never can cramall those words in your head.So the writer who breedsmore words than he needsis making a chorefor the reader who reads.That’s why my...

What’s the good of living if you don’t try a few things?

Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”[Shrub Flubs His Dub, The Nation, June 18, 2001]

Christ Jesus Eve, I love you.”–Eve, Roarke

Rohan, one of us is an unmarried man with superior mathematical abilitiesand no prospects for the evening. The other is a confirmed lecher in an amorous mood, with a willing and nubile young wife waiting...

Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you’d better answer them!’ [slurred Hellian.] ‘With what?’ [Banaschar] sneered. ‘Explanations?’ ‘No. Answers. There’s a difference-‘ ‘Really? How? What difference?’ ‘Explanations are what people...

Can’t stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I’ll tell them...

I need more frugality. I wonder where I can buy some.

There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.

If you didn’t have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn’t be any fire in your life at all.

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped...

We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call ‘misdirected rage’. I believe the technical term is being an ass.

Ridcully sighed.’All right, you fellows,’ he said. ‘No magic at Table, you know the rules. Who’s playing silly buggers?’The other senior wizards stared at him.’I, I, I don’t think we can play it any more,’...

Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.”(Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)

Instead of mascots, there should be mass cots, because these sports fanatics are intellectually asleep.

Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win! Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a...

AWESOME things come to those who focus on the positive, recognize the blessings, find the humor and never give up!

What’s the difference between praying and crying? One you’re talking to God, and the other you’re talking to God but you don’t know it.

Why do you think, A.J.,” they say in unison, “that you find these boys so attractive?” I didn’t say that this fiery chemical explosion leaps from somewhere inside me. Parents don’t want to hear these...

Experimenting with touch, he found he barely had to ripple a light fingertip over his sleeping lover, and Tristan would move, twisting until he was melted into Michael’s embrace. Stroking Tristan’s cheek got Michael a...

I came from a broken home. My bedroom window was cracked.

I don’t like breakfast, because I like things fixed and slow. Let’s just take our relationship morning by morning.

A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship....

…slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.

The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.