There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

I’d rather be known as a freak than a science project.

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau’s assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

And they protect our queen and lands. How reassuring.

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency.

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

Huh,” Leo said. “Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You’re not a total klutz.”She smirked. “A job, eh?” Making things in your forge?””Nah, we could start...

Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

Every mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.

I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam....

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, ‘Don’t abuse me like your parents abuse you!’ Then call children’s services...

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

I turned to Dionysus. “You cured him?””Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple.””But…you did something nice. Why?”He raised and eyebrow. “I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven’t you noticed?

Smiles are a funny thingand laughter is hilarious.I smile sometimeswhen I am delirious.

Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.

Dad, is that you?

The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you’re wasting your time.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.

A demigod!” one snarled.”Eat it!” yelled another.But that’s as far as they got before I slashed a wide arc with Riptide and vaporized the entire front row of monsters.”Back off!” I yelled at the rest,...

Let me guess, you’re Harry Potter and this is the school of Hogwarts. If I say Lumos will it light up?

The greater part of the world’s troubles are due to questions of grammar.

I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel without a because.

Because ENOUGH is TOO MUCH!And look around …can you blame us?!

I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant.

Probably the reason the NY Yankees want to move their farm team to Ocala is to recruit me. I am the Babe Ruth of farming.

Yeah. Floyd is his batman.”His what?”Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant.”You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don’t make you money than...

Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?Jace: I was following...

It’s time to scrap the archaic and oppressive paradigm of ‘client states.’ I propose a friendlier, more sustainable concept: pet states.

I should name my future son after an orgasm sound. Not mine—his mother’s. It’d be silly to name him Eek, after my orgasm sound, because that’s his uncle’s name, and that’d be too confusing.

You’d better

Everyone knows that the Internet is changing our lives, mostly because someone in the media has uttered that exact phrase every single day since 1993. However, it certainly appears that the main thing the Internet...

A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.

Holy mother!””Hmph. More like holy father. I’d think you’d know the difference.”-Hephaetus

It’s not gray,” Clary felt compelled to point out. “It’s green.””If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you’d have died in childhood,” said Jace.

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

Wenn einen das Schicksal nicht zum Lachen bringt, dann hat man den Witz nicht kapiert.

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you will never be quenched.

I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes and duct tape in the trunk. I tried telling you my family has...

I always wanted a sister who could beat me up.

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn’t seem to...

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

They’ve never known a time when people drank rain water because it was pure, or could eat snow, or swim in any river or brook. The last time I drove to Washington the traffic was...

I wash my hands in the blood of grapefruit. Come, drink with me.

Do I really run like that?” (Kitty)”Yup,” Martini confirmed. “Don’t worry, I think it’s sexy.””Thank God. I think I look like a cheetah on drugs.

Piper went a little crazy. She cried out with relief and dove straight into the water.What was she thinking? She didn’t take a rope or a life vest or anything. But at the moment, she...