Everything stinks till it’s finished.

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

Poetry is not an art, it’s a symptom.

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases… I don’t know why that struck me, but it did. ‘She has a servant’s heart,’ I thought.

When facing unbeatable odds, just think of yourself as unbeatably odd. (The Hero’s Guide to Being a Hero)

Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

I apologized for punching him. I thought he was attacking me with a karate chop disguised as a handshake.

Should I be writing this down?

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they’re happening, they feel like the only thing that matters and you can hardly...

And gag you,” Joseph cheerfully reminded them.

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love.

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling...

I’m sorry to hear that.

I yell at yellow like I purr at pink. If they were more fluid, I’d pour meows in my morning coffee.

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more...

f”?

Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have been free at the store next to mine.

Sure we could replace war with paintball battles. But it would escalate to paint grenades, paint bombs, weapons of mass paint. I don’t want to live in a world where my kids have to worry...

Dragons didn’t fool around when it came to protecting things that they acquired—be it gold, gems, or a monster’s body parts.

I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.

If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

It is with great sadness that I blow my nose.

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.

What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on a pizza and make much ado about nothing, everything, anything, something.

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body...

Man is conceived in sin and born in corruption and he passeth from the stink of the didie to the stench of the shroud. There is always something(All The King’s Men)

If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength. And if you won’t carry my love, you carry a heavy burden.

I don’t know about you, but this whole life thing has been the cause of all my problems.

Sticking a straw up your butt won’t get rid of the constipation.

If you find semen in your beer, you’ll no longer have to wonder why I no longer have an erection. Love touches us all, like I touch myself.

A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys....

I had received a t-shirt from my best friend Veronica at my police academy graduation. It reads, ‘Throw your donut in the opposite direction and the cops won’t get you.’ I love wearing that t-shirt.

Girls with their legs crossed, girls with their legs not crossed, girls with terrific legs, girls with lousy legs, girls that looked like swell girls, girls that looked like they’d be bitches if you knew...

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

A generous donor (who had no doubt lived a life that imperiled his mortal soul) had granted [the Sisters] more than one hundred waterfront acres.

The dead have existed for as long as the living, give or take a few years. But what good has that done them?

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

Lead your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

The best part about vomiting is that right after you do, you can continue eating.

Coveralls,” I reply, and I know I’m no longer screening what’s coming out of my mouth.He raises a eyebrow, amused yet again. “You wouldn’t want to ruin your clothing.” I gesture vaguely in the direction...

I couldn’t exactly blame Jane Austen for being a romantic. What the hell else was there to do back then for fun?

Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of...

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.