So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something?–ZP.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn’t mind.Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see...

Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

I definitely believe in the theory of penis envy. My penis feels envious pretty much all the time.

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse’s hat on while your father,...

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

Do you find this…distracting?

It took a qualified wizard to detect a summoning in progress. It required only a half-literate idiot with a twitch of power and a dim idea of how to use it to attempt one. Before...

We’re all divorced from reality – the only question is whether you’re paying alimony or receiving it.

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone...

[Janco] paused. His eyes held a distant gleam as if seeing into his past. ‘My first practice was a shock. I was a cocky smart aleck–‘[Opal] ‘Was?'[J] ‘Be quiet. I’m telling a story here.

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks...

I had a dream about you, you invited me shopping and I was so excited at the thought we were having a “day date” after we entered the mall you had dropped your wallet and...

It was supposed to say “Great Artist” on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say “such a good teacher/daughter/friend” instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big...

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

Left-handed and eyes closed, it’s how I masturbate—while driving at night. If you want to know how I make love, you’re going to have to pay for admission.

I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.

I don’t get it. I’m sexually attractive to a remarkable degree-“”And humble.””It’s not bragging if it’s true. And I’m his-which means, this is in the bag. Or should be.

What do you think they’re going to do to us when they find us guilty?” she says after a few minutes of silence have passed.”Honestly?””Does now seem like the time for honesty?”I look at her...

It was Will, filling the doorway with his lanky, broad-shouldred frame. His blue eyes where thunderous. “What are you doing here?” he demanded.So much for the brief peace they had achieved the night before. “I...

I had a dream about you. We were trying to come up with a hashtag to market our relationship. I suggested #fourlipsonekiss and #twomouthsonevoice, but you went with something confusing like #idontloveyou and #wearenotinarelationship.

Is it because I’m invisible?

How she looks is watered-down.How she looks is disappearing.How she looks is erased.”Don’t stress”, she says. “This is just me not wearing any makeup.

Oh, hell, he’d look hot in a chicken suit.

To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart – that’s if I had one.

Do you think it’s possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Y are you called the cheese man?

I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it was still too heavy for you to lift.

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

No, that you assumed I’d look at you in any fashion other than professionally.

Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today, and try it out with me. Go ahead—give me all your love.

I’d love to…but only with you.

Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.

No. I’m going to dry you off and hold you some more. I like seeing that blood. I did that,” The pleasure in my voice made Blythe smile.

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

All humans are insane, they exists because insanity exists.

He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny...

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

Hold on to your friends.Resist – or move onBe mad, be rashSmoke and explodeSell all of your clothesJust bear in mind:There just might come a timeWhen you need some friends

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have...

Don’t get mad, get everything. 🙂 Ivana Trump

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show...

The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A writer’s Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can’t Get Enough.

You have a valid complaint, and I do recognize it … but you are reading into things a little bit. Just the same, I will do my best to make horrible things happen to a...

What a situation!’ cried Miss Squeers; ‘…What is the reason that men fall in love with me, whether I like it or not, and desert their chosen intendeds for my sake?’ ‘Because they can’t help...

I had a dream about you. I had a flat tire on the interstate, which is really embarrassing for a hitchhiker who is using that tire as a substitute for pants. You were the only...