Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

Earth is sad, Moon is shy, Sun is happy but wait a moment, I just forgot to tell you that I am the child of open sky.

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

Abby wouldn’t want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle...

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?

I have nothing to hide, because I have nothing. Well, I do have love for you, but I keep that openly safe in your boyfriend’s heart.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

One hot yellow Hummer with optional mass destruction package, coming up.

When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now,...

Because . . . most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don’t have any of that. There’s nothing between you and...

Obsessing over a boy makes the time fly.

Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge.

The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean – so Bunbury died.He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that...

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce.”She waved her hand. “Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money.” She wrote away.”I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

God, come down, if you’re really there -Well, you’re the one who claims to care!

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

“Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking to me, but it was still good to hear he was a romantic.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

Death doesn’t care about personalities – he’s more interested in meeting quotas.

When did my house turn into a hangout for every grossly overpaid, terminally pampered professional football player in northern Illinois?””We like it here,” Jason said. “It reminds us of home.””Plus, no women around.” Leandro Collins,...

From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.

You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” I denied it, of course. But then, anything – smashing up a new car, persuading Donald Rumsfeld to come to an Islington flat in the early hours of New...

What if I shave?” he said. “I look much better when I’m shaved. My cousin will vouch for that—do I not look almost handsome when I shave, Edward? ” He didn’t wait for the duke’s...

My mother-in-law scared the hell out of me. But it’s cool, because the stench of Satan reminds me of her anyways. Hungry? Deviled eggs anyone?

A double standard is a scandal. A single standard is an atrocity.

Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish and state.

GET IN” he says, getting in on the driver side. I get in with no questions. Okay. This is a bad movie waiting to happen-I’m getting in a car with a guy I just met...

The bullpen in a baseball park is the best place for matador training.

I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I went to the room in my brain where all my thoughts about Adam lived and disconnected the electricity and boarded up all the doors and windows,...

That guy doesn’t try hard enough, Steve,” he said. I felt weirdly ashamed when he said that. So much so that I went into his room and urinated on his bed.

I think you’re crazy good at this survival stuff, Cary.”His shoulders sag. He gives me a small, relieved smile and we start walking again, his step a little lighter than it was before. It feels...

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

I was born a baby, and it took me a long time to be man enough to acknowledge that that was a mistake.

Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almost as much as women, and that’s saying a good deal.

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

Secret 89.487. Transparent is the new black.

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

When you know better, you do better!

He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

I call the Change of Life “Orchids” because menopause is such an ugly word. It’s got men in it for goddsakes.

Great,” I mumbled, walking back behind the counter.

My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.