Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

This is what life is about: seeing new places, meeting new people, grabbing life by the balls and squeezing until it coughs up a story worth telling.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

The standard clauses of the American dream only included two weeks of vacation a year.

I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.

This is the day the Lord has made, suck it up and rejoice.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn’t have tried to turn ya into a snake.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

I saw myself in a piece of glass that wasn’t a mirror. Was that my doppelganger or my clone? Who was that? Who am I? Maybe if I hadn’t been acting like a reverse Peeping...

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn’t notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus...

I am an eater of water. I mean drinker. My love comes in a package that includes a straw/spoon.

I’m fresh out of fucks to give.

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

I believe I am a witness to the Invisible Man, because I saw nothing. I’m just as reliable—and unreliable—as Helen Keller.

A man’s plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand…well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat. Wait, that’s not my story—that’s Rocky’s. I get us confused all the time.

Suddenly, she employed those very English weapons: devious good manners and a rapid change of subject.

Back in the days when gladiators hacked away at each other, there was always the man who decided whether the defeated should live or die. The job is usually given to the Emperor in movies,...

Being king is about having all the material things you want, and having nobody you trust enough to share them with.

Then I say, “Let’s go and brush our teeth.” So Lola says, “But Charlie, I can’t brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth.” “But who would use your toothbrush?” I ask. Lola says...

Cuddling was for great aunts and teddy bears. Cuddling gave him cramp.

I’m thirsty for your love. I hope you don’t mind, but I drank straight from the carton—without even checking to see if it had expired.

There wasn’t a colloquial phrase, or curse, that went something like, “May your day be full of angry dragons” or, “May every dragon you meet today be pissed off.” But, there should have been.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

I guess I might be bi-curious,” Ben said quietly.””What?””I said I could be sorta bi-curious,” Ben said loudly. “That’s someone who is fundamentally straight but is curious about sex with men.”Joshua grunted his opinion of...

Find 100 reasons to laugh. You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Besides unhappiness, what do you have to lose?

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone in Seattle, who is hurting so bad financially that instead of a vente...

It is a State of Mind… and am the president

I’ve won Satan’s lottery.

People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.

Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not.

Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a...

That’s the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That’s putting the old foot down. If she’s determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn’t have it...

Baby, you realize this song is about Trey’s dead dog, don’t you?

You’ve brushed your teeth,” He says, staring at me.”I used your toothbrush.”His lips quirk up in a half smile. “Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

Living is about clucking your tongue and enjoying the sound.~Slater

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.

By some miracle, Charlotte’s polite smile never wavered. It was a proud moment for her. After all, it wasn’t every day that a little old lady told you right to your face that your bosom...

Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention.

Tutti gli animali sono uguali, ma alcuni sono più uguali degli altri

EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird–But if you’re a worm, sleep late.