I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

Sun shining. Birds chirping.”She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel.

they should let some people into the library by prescription only

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

Unearth marvels as you walk the path,Stand in awe,Therein is the joy of life.

I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit is wetter than you’d imagine.

I’m trusting you not to break my heart. If it gets even a scratch, I’ll break your face. -Shaye

HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)

I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn’t steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape.

Timothy bit the inside of his lip and pretended to nod sagely. Things were starting to sound a little far-fetched again. “Man,” he said, “that’s… that’s rough. I’ve heard that being a dragon servant totally...

I hate office politics. Still, I’m running for office mayor.

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

We call them grunters. They’re ghost hunters but grunters is more appropriate because most of them are pigs.

He’s a buying dude, and I’ve got to sell him something—like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)

He was a Frenchman, a melancholy-looking man. His aspect was that of one who has been looking for the leak in a gas pipe with a lighted candle.

Learn rules carefully so you can break them properly

I had a dream about you. I was in love with you, but you didn’t even know I existed. In fact, like a politician with integrity, I didn’t exist, and that’s the best part, because...

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.

Uri stood staring at him, casually looking Gabe’s body up and down before saying with a sly grin, “Well hello to you too, sexy. Does your wife know about this?” Uri then motioned with a...

I’m not rich in paper money, I’m rich in packets of sugar. Actually, I’m richer, because at least the packets of sugar have some real value.

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying ‘Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?’26 And the Angel said, ‘I had it here only a moment...

Vous eprouves trop d’emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will...

When I look in the mirror, I see not only the person I am, but the person I could be. The person I could be is clean-shaven, and I like him better than me.

I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period....

Typical artist,’ said Granny. ‘He just painted the showy stuff in the front… And what about these cherubs? We’re not going to get them too, are we? I don’t like to see little babies flying...

He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to...

The panther prowled around me in a loose, wide circle. Its mouth turned down, almost in a pout, and it seemed disappointed that I wasn’t going to run away. Or scream, at the very least....

What are you, Zombie Slayer Barbie?” The big man in the back barked a laugh. “You’ll pay for that one.

The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my...

I, the great and powerful D.S. will create a harem for all the women in the world!!!! For a woman, no greater joy exists in the entire universe than to fuck me, the ultimate sex...

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be...

Disappointments are often my greatest motivation.

Lysistrata: Oh, Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky and sly…Calonicé: And they are quite right, upon my word!Lysistrata: Yet, look you, when the...

You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better...

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you...

Can you be serious for two words? Not without effort.

I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.

Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!

Jako kdyby tě zajímalo její srdce! Jsi snad kardiolog? To určitě. Ta holka má IQ dortový polevy.

Try not to have a good time…this is supposed to be educational.

Writing a first-draft battle scene is akin to real combat—chaos, confusion, and you must keep your cool as you fire word bullets downrange.

I figured something out,” he said aloud. “The future is unpredictable.”Hassan said, “Sometimes the kafir likes to say massively obvious things in a really profound voice.

You hardly know me and yet you invited me out on a date,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘Why?’Because you called me a phoney, Moist thought. You saw through me straight away. Because you didn’t nail my...

I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

She fucking turns me inside out.””Women who matter have a way of doing that.” Lucas scowled. “We sound like a couple of women, talking about feelings. I think Sascha’s having a bad influence on me.””You...

You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I’m blind?

Your move.”Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?