Doesn’t like you? She hates you!

By some miracle, Charlotte’s polite smile never wavered. It was a proud moment for her. After all, it wasn’t every day that a little old lady told you right to your face that your bosom...

I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.

Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal (Candler)

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...

EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird–But if you’re a worm, sleep late.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

She said she doesn’t like your cooking. She said she’d rather eat a microwave dinner from the convenience store instead of something you cooked. Do you get it? Hm? Why are you being such a...

The wheel is man’s greatest invention, and as such, unicycling is the world’s purest sport.

It’s like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed...

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much...

I had a dream about you. You were canned laughter, and I was a can of tomato paste. I was organic, but you were completely artificial. You thought people liked having you around, but I...

Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons.

Nothing succeeds like success. Kill me now.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Dieting was cruel; it was an abuse of human rights. Yes, that’s what it was, and she should not allow herself to be manipulated in this way. She stopped herself. Thinking like that was nothing...

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, business cards, and electroshock therapy while wearing spooky masks.

Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. “Well, Steve, I think there’s more than one way...

If my house were burning down, the one thing I’d take with me is my vast collection of smoke. I consider smoke the souls of dead cigarettes my lovers have exhaled.

Is love a gift from heaven? If it is, it’s often wrapped in disinterest and rejection.

Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?

I call the right axe Sorrow,” she said. “You know what I call the left one?” “Happiness?” “Sorrow. I can’t tell them apart.

In business I play hardball, because softball is for high school girls. People don’t know I used to be a pitcher. I was full of water, until my ex wife poured it all out.

For people who like that sort of thing, that’s the sort of thing they like.

You can’t rain on my parade. It’s an umbrella parade.

I had to be at work at 8 am this morning, so I set my alarm clock for 7:49. Naturally, my body woke my brain up at 1:11 precisely, and I laid in bed trying...

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable…in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does...

Living with hope is like rubbing up against a cheese grater. It keeps taking slices off you until there’s so little left you just crumble.

I like your opera – I think I will set it to music

I can tell from the glint in her eyes that she’s at least an acquaintance of Dorothy.

In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans.

It’s not wise for me to extend a congratulatory handshake while your hands are busy clapping for me. I’ll wait for your applause to die down—or for my mother-in-law to die before we shake in...

I watch you while you sleep. Is that love? It would be, if I put down my binoculars, and you picked up your phone.

, odgovorim joj ja pospano dižući glavu s klupe.

We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we’d care to live.” (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule...

Ben was in his truck, window down, idling at the curb, dark lenses hiding his eyes from her, looking effortlessly big and badass.The way she wished she felt.

My mother made a squeaking sound that might of been either “yes” or “help”.Poseidon took it as a yes and came in.Paul was looking back and forth between us, trying to read our expressions.Finally he...

I’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.

When I’m exhausted, I can sleep through anything. One time I slept though a wall—and there wasn’t even a door or opening.

I write for the beauty of the printed word”from PREFACE to BIPOLAR BUFFALO

Wherever he found his speech growing too modern — which was about every sentence or two — he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as “exceeding sore,” “and it came to pass,” etc., and...

I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like...

Wow. When he started looking back on the war with Kronos as the good old days–that was sad.

I’m no gumshoe, but I think I have gum on my shoe. Either that or I’m stuck in place because I’m afraid to take the first step in a new direction.

I have detected disturbances in the wash.”The wash?”The space-time wash.”Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?”Eddies in the space-time continuum.”Ah…is he. Is he.”What?”Er, who is Eddy, then,...

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Sophie held the [hand]cuffs higher, hopint to instill some sense of shame, if not in him, then at least in herself. One look at him and she wanted him again. “I found them in the...