A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

You can take and nail two sticks together like they’ve never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

Jokes are many things. ‘Funny’ is only one of them.

I now warn the reader not to mock me and my mental daze. It is easy for him and me to decipher now a past destiny; but a destiny in the making is, believe me,...

I sell sex by the coffee cup. I don’t go by small, medium, or large, I go by deep, deeper, and deepest.

Our love was full of passion that only youth can provide. When she left me, I was heartbroken. But it was inevitable. Kindergarten was just around the corner, and we were both going to different...

A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.

So I’m over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots… and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me… ‘Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it’s...

Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior.”- Hun, A. T.

College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you’re qualified.

It is a strange thing that the human species can only go three days without water and three weeks without food, before the body dies. Yet, so many people can go years hanging onto pain...

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that...

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.

I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.””Well,” said Luke, “you’re...

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

Where have all the Fembots gone?

I took a risk by not taking a risk, and that’s the nature of nature.

Unintended jealousy is merciless.

When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.

I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.””It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.

It’s a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

Yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay.

Positiveness is not a god gift. Things are negative when you realize that frog inside you is not able to jump high.

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

She burst in the door, I burst into song, and he burst into flames. Our love triangle turned into dinner for two featuring roasted marshmallows.

In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.

Lawful good to lawful evil!” said Simon, pleased.”He’s quoting Dungeons and Dragons,” said Clary. “Ignore him.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

Advice is bullshit. It’s just one asshole’s opinion.

The good part about having a mental disorder is having a valid reason for all the stupid things we do because of a damaged prefrontal cortex. However, the best part is seeing someone completely sane...

It’s much more difficult to maintain personal hygiene if you’re obese. Believe it or not, I’ve found items like remote controls and packages of cigarettes in people’s fat rolls.

Ohyeah. If Gus calls, just tell him I was balls-deep in your ass and that I’mon my way now.

You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness.

So–what’s it like, being a vampire?””Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what’s it like to be a vampire!””I don’t see why,” Aline said. “He hasn’t been a vampire that long,...

I must confess that most modern mysticism seems to me to be simply a method of imparting useless knowledge in a form that no one can understand

I don’t need anything to get high. I’m high on life.

The pen is mightier than the sword unless it’s a real sword in which case the guy with the pen should run away fast.

Because it tends to become unseasonably chilly when I’d prefer it to be warm. It’s as if it does it on purpose.

Has she glanced you way yet?”Twice,” Nick said on a note of satisfaction.Meaning?”Nick glanced at him. “She’s not completely disinterested.”I see Moreland. That makes it an even half dozen hanging out for a rich wife....

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

I can see why you like it here,” he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle’s collection of movie posters and science fiction books. “There’s a thin layer of nerd all over everything.” said Jace.”Thanks....

For the first time I realized I could be more than a crawling little pile of bones and flesh in a onesie.

I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!

We are what no one wants to miss at the party. I act delighted, but I have zero interest in these Capitol people. They are only distractions from the food.

A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.