I need either a small coffee or a large nap.

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck;so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

Don’t drown.” At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it’s all gold.

If love fell in love with another word, do you think that word would smell, taste, and rhyme with it? I think so, and I think that word is jambalaya, but maybe I’m pronouncing love...

Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you’re looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you’re still an idiot.

I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff.

Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack is more the editing part, figuring what needs to be cut.

This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.”I frowned, “What’s that?””Homework.

Sorry. i just can’t seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn’t know what to think, how to act. I’ll have a talk with it later....

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

It was how it had been with the madman among the tombs, that their number was legion, far in excess at any rate if the number listed on the back of the door as the...

In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

I got you a box full of unfull. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s why I should have. As a lover, I always leave you hungry for more.

I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune...

I hope this book will inspire the kitchen con-artist in you, increase fruit and veggie consumption in your family, and motivate you to become an Accidental Cook. Pass it on!

I will say it again. Ambivalence is key.You have to care about your work but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and good you feel, but not about...

I drink coffee the way other men put on their pants—only after they’ve paid the hooker.

Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I’d stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people’s chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess...

He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.

My impression of love: I found her—lucky me. I found her—unlucky her. She’d probably agree with me, which would be a first.

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me...

Number of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers: 3 — two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

I once said hello to a pack of goodbyes, but they were asleep to my coffee offering. They were running towards love, which is always running away from me.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something.

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.

He kissed me for a long moment, holding my shoulders, perhaps to keep me from pressing my whole body against his. Then he tried to lift my bag.”My God,” he said. “What happened?””I found out...

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

All Quiet on the Western Front.

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

The thing with love is, you cannot choose who you fall for. Falling in love often happens at the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong person. Just as much as you cannot...

Sit. Wait.”Did I mention werewolves were chatty?

Old age is not just for grown up’s

The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage.

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

Virginia isn’t for lovers. Vagina is for lovers. Makes me wonder why there aren’t any for sale in any vending machines.

Who wants to give me a ride to work tomorrow? My only requirement is you wear roller skates and let me strap a crate on your back like a wooden roller coaster.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Hindi ka niya lalapitan kung wala siyang kailangan at hindi ka niya lulubayan hanggang hindi niya nakukuha ang gusto niya.

I made a Lindsey Sandwich out of two Jennifers and a Jessica. Then I ate it like I make love—alone, in the corner, with a box of tissues and lots of tears.

Jumping Jehoshaphat. O Holy Night.

His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn’t our names summarize who we are? If so, I want to be called Al Auttalovetogive.

For others, in spite of myself, from myself.

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.

In fact that is why the lives of most women are so vaguely unsatisfactory. They are always doing secondary and menial things (that do not require all their gifts and ability) for others and never...

Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.

As an author I’m in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I’ve found it again.