You’ll be reading the breakfast menu without me before you know it.”Hmm, maybe I don’t want to learn French

May you fall on a fork and get eaten by a cannibal.

I smile thinly, to make it clear that this will happen when hell turns into a family friendly summer resort.

You said th’ Magic was in my back. Th’ doctor calls it rheumatics.

I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.

McKenzie was Caroline’s primary wingman. They had matching Coach bags to prove it.

A joke is a very serious thing.

We Do.” My tagline will be: We at We Do do what we do so you don’t have to.

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.

scientifically.

Who would you rather make love to—me, or the dead carcass of a deer? Don’t deliver a hasty answer. Think it over.

I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.

How do god fit him ass in them jeans when he is, in fact, Everywhere

I had a dream about you. I was a small business owner, and you were also a small business owner. The difference was I was a sole proprietor, and you were a midget.

That’s all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights?

Around eighth grade Margot started getting really sensitive about her weight, even though she wasn’t remotely fat—just a little round-faced. So Margot did what any normal fourteen-year-old girl would do. She started puking on purpose,...

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.

racial

All of the signs we invented growing up and we never invented one for ‘he’s standing right behind you’?

Why are there so many people out here?’ Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward.’Christmas shopping.’ I explained.’Already? Isn’t it early to returning things?’I really had no sense of how his mind worked.

to pee or not to pee that is the question

Really, dude? A sharp one?

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra...

Well, spit on my empty grave–if it ain’t the attack of the Disney princesses!

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

Are you mad?” I ask.”I was.” He glances at the ceiling then back at me. “Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I’d finally met a guy at...

You can’t drown out somebody just by raising the level.” But it was useless. I felt like Noah preaching to a pack of Helen Kellers.

Nobody wants to leave what they know to go either to the unknown, or to grandmother’s house.

You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to get into my metaphysical pants.

Oh my God, not only is he older than the Grand Canyon, but he’s like the pope and the Fae King and the president of the United States all rolled up into one. To some...

The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with our ears, and I have tried, then we would naturally have to have...

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn’t get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no...

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on “play dates,” or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a...

You have to be fun to ride roller coasters. And you have to be tall. My love for you is both of those things, even though I disguise it as a dwarf.

Raise a smile and lower stress

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.

Street performances?””A little singing. A little martial arts. Some interpretive dance.””Wow.””I know! The Portuguese have taste.

But have you ever seen one?….They shook their heads. “Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage – “Man, she liked that Bible. I’d read it and could definitely understand it’s appeal, but...

I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb’s so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.

Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

There’s been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it.

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

There are people who feel they should be with you, but something is preventing them from coming close. Please can you just lower the frequency of your stern looking face and smile…and they will make...

Pretending to drink coffee was similar to faking an orgasm.

I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.

Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there

Step One: Grab Mattie. Step Two: Run. It wasn’t much of a plan. But what it lacked in potential it made up for in simplicity.

I’ll take a side of mashed potatoes—on the left side. And the right side.