Let go of the people who dull your shine, poison your spirit, and bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.

Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.

Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.

I’ve always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

Sooner or later everyone behaves badly. Some of us are just better at it than others.

Hooray! I finally finished making a new book cover. Now I just need to write the book. The cover is the image of a man hanging, so perhaps I’ll write a romance novel.

The next time somebody announces that he plans to get Medieval on your ass, tell him you’re going to get Renaissance on his gonads.

If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.

My last two girlfriends both had the same name—and they looked similar. One looked older than the other, but they were in fact the same person.

I’M SCOTTISH!

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

This has to be the most self-centered thing I’ve ever said, but no, I think you just wanted to vex me.

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima

I’m going out for a bottle of champagne. We’re going to get bombed.

I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.

…we haven’t had any accidents for months now…Everything on that island is perfectly fine.

He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.

His thoughts inhabit a different plane from those of ordinary men; the simplest interpretation of that is to call him crazy.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn’t nipple, although there are similarities.

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

I don’t think you’re going to start a riot, but until you prove you have more survival instincts than a seriously stressed out lemming, you’ll stay at the bar.

The Little Drummer Boy” was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks.

With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled “Females” and gave her a section...

Boys. I’d turn gay if they weren’t so sexy.

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

Driving a hot car is a lot like sex to me, or a lot like I keep thinking sex should be: A total body experience, overwhelming, to all the senses, taking you places you’ve never...

No sex?” He looked at me in disbelief. “Well if you can’t have ze sex, what can you do?”For the sake of simplicity I took my left arm and lined it up just under my...

With faces entirely invisible through suits, it was hard to be sure, but my impression was that he was watching me and copying my every move. I felt this proved he was intelligent.

You humans, always eating. I’ll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working.” Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.”Don’t use the same beaker you used...

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I’d feel sad about it.

Since you act as though God is dead, I wanted to join you in the mourning.”The reply of Martin Luther’s wife, in full funeral regalia, in trying to illustrate the folly of his depressed state.

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

That’s how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they’re looking’ to find poloponies.

This is the biggest damn IPod I’ve ever seen,” Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. “Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.

The Sunshine State.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

I am going to think of you every time I don’t have sex. So that’ll mean I’ll always be thinking of you.

Constance: Tell me, what happened to William’s little maid? I never saw her again after that dinner.Mary Maceachran: Elsie? — She’s gone.Constance: Oh, it’s a pity, really. I thought it was a good idea to...

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences.

Suddenly, I saw ocean again—then another horizon line—but this time the deep blue sky was on the wrong side of the line…the Holy crap, we’re upside down side.

You’re just Little Miss Optimist, aren’t you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?