There is nobody as hopelessly vulgar as a British aristocrat…

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Why it’s simply impassible!Alice: Why, don’t you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing’s impossible!

It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time for close to twenty-five years.

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.

These books can’t possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time.” Faukman’s eyes went wide. “Don’t tell me Harry Potter is actually about...

Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you’d find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.

What is the secret of life?’ I asked.‘I forget,’ said Sandra.‘Protein,’ the bartender declared. ‘They found something out about protein.‘‘Yeah,’ said Sandra, ‘that’s it.

I’m clingy like clang on pots. My love is cookable.

This guy looks like Humphrey Bogart with a beard. Makes me so jealous I could just stab him. And I would too, if I didn’t suspect him of holding a smoking gun.

Paranoia is habitual. If you get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner, then you’ll EXPECT to get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner.

40Wednesday has been canceled due to a scheduling error.

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

She bit me.

We’ll make it a blowout like in the olden days.””When dinosaurs roamed the earth?” Teddy asked.”Exactly,” Dad said. “When dinosaurs roamed the earth and your mom and I were young.

Should I pull on a shirt?” he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. “No.” He’d be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn’t going...

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

That’s our cue to depart.” “They know something ” I pointed out. “I know something too. I know we’re going to attract a lot of unwanted attention if they keep screaming. And then we have...

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Great,’ I said. ‘Visit exotic Australia. Get bitten by an exotic snake. Die exotically.

If you’re a struggling artist having money problems just superglue a brick in the middle of a blanket, and call it art. Someone will buy it.

English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.

Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women.

Dear Nike, please advise your runners that if they don’t collapse and die after running a marathon, they’re not doing it right. Don’t just do it—do it right.

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

Wizards don’t believe in gods. They didn’t deny their existence, of course. They just didn’t believe. It was nothing personal; they weren’t actually rude about it. Gods were a visible part of narrativium that made...

To think or not to think? That is the new question.

Grandpa often tells me I dance like my legs are engulfed in flames. I just go out there and put the fire of desire in women’s hearts.

And tell your friend in the striped shirt that he’s in my seat.

He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him,...

Love is a cloudless sky, and I’m having the longest drought of my life.

Je me souviens de mon effroi devant un premier baiser. Et si l’autre me mangeait la langue? C’est d’abord mon meilleur morceau de viande que je lui confie aveuglément.

Smartass Disciple: Three years! I’ve listened you preaching just for this silly truth?Master of Stupidity: Who said I was preaching? Who said anything about the truth?

Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the Lord knows they have not been few or little, I think that I have been the biggest.

My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you’ll look back and thank them for...

It’s a conflict of interest, because I’m not interested.

It stank pretty bad, of course: manure was caked all over the wagon. But we were free. Right then I was elated with a sense of how faithful God is to his promises; I was...

you are what you wear

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the...

If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high, but I’d still only be able to palm a Sunday once a year.

This was fun. We should find out we’re still married more often.””Why, so every day can be a special new plunge into hell?””Nobody I’d rather burn with than you, babe.

Listen, I’d rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

By Aladdin’s lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

How did you hear about that?”Are you kidding me? So far, I had that runt Kyle-”I hate him. I hate all vamps. That complete toad, Michael-”-tell me you were pregnant by a vamp-”kidnnaped me and-Kyle...

One can only tolerate the absolute idiocy of Man for so long before bringing out the bat.

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.