When I’m in love, I can’t stand anyone.

Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend.” – Laney

In the eleventh century obese English king William the Conqueror took to bed and consumed nothing but alcohol to shed pounds, a practice many of his countrymen seem to continue to this day.

I had a dream about you. Your face was puffy, like a puffer fish, only puffier, and I thought it was from crying. Nope, turns out you were just fat. But at least you were...

From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, “Worst. Timing. Ever.” Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite. “Huh,” Adrian said, letting himself in....

When the Washington Post telephoned me at home on Valentine’s Day 1989 to ask my opinion about the Ayatollah Khomeini’s fatwah, I felt at once that here was something that completely committed me. It was,...

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting,...

08/14/1025h. Dessert Competitions.08/14/1315h. Illinois State Fair Infirmary; then motel; then Springfield Memorial Medical Center Emergency Room for distention and possible rupture of transverse colon (false alarm); then motel; incapacitated till well after sunset; whole day...

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

You might not believe this, but there is no one like her at this school.””Oh I believe it,” I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker’s combination and tried to get...

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty...

When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my funk. I didn’t break any dishes either, but I did break dance.

So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?” Avery coughs and pats Rob’s back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact.

I’m so glad my date doesn’t think I’m ugly. I love blind dates where the woman is actually blind.

Mom actually said that?” Cassie’s face shown with happiness. “She always hated my math!””Nah,” Martin said. “She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents...

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Start here & go until you die, he said. What’s so complicated about that?

Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.

If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window...

Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty...

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

Do you see that out there? The strange, unfamiliar light? It’s called the sun. Let’s go get us a little.

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

The ocean is a Turing machine, the sand is its tape; the water reads the marks in the sand and sometimes erases them and sometimes carves new ones with tiny currents that are themselves a...

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

Me and my readers, we’re on the same page. That page is one.

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

mr youse needn’t be so spryconcernin questions artyeach has his tastes but as for ii likes a certain partygimme the he-man’s solid blissfor youse ideas i’ll match yousea pretty girl who naked isis worth a...

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

You seem to know a lot about it,” she said. “And you do subtleties.””Yeah. Like I’ve always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide.””Well, there’s no need to be rude,” protested Sif.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

She’s young and beautiful, which is twice as good as old and ugly. Some people are both, and some people are both.

Well– I don’t know– the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

I thought about kicking him in the balls, but I didn’t. I figured that would be over kill.” – Rendezvous with Destiny

I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

How weird? We’re all dressed like people in a Jane Austen book. I think weird comes with the territory.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

It depends if I get the window seat.

Storming was one of her main modes of transportation.” In reference to teenager Heather in “Carry The One