When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.

It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

I have tutored Little Igor to be a man of this world. For example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore, so that he should be appraised of the many positions in which...

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to...

I shot a cactus like a politician. But I didn’t care, because I didn’t vote for it.

Baumauer sits at home in silence in the evenings planning how to impress his rigidly strict father who’s in his late seventies, but who still enforces the same dynamic between himself and his three, guilt-ridden...

More like an offer I’m hoping you can’t refuse.

It smells terrible in here.’Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere...

To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.

I sell yawns. So when you see me yawning, and you then yawn, just know that’s me giving you a free sample of my product.

Yes, yes, mistress, I shall go and accomplish your task. Only—I was not only sent to kill the Leucrotta. There is a maiden in a tower—” At this the Witch spat, again rolling her marvelous...

Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me.

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.

I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it through action, like a kiss. Or I could say it indirectly, like telling your best friend, April. Yes, I...

What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?

He held up his index finger. “Rule one: in any dispute between mates, themale is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two”—his middle finger joined thefirst—”whenever in doubt, refer to rule...

Instant gratification is like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.

The little weasel ripped all the buttons off my couch.Ivan Petrovsky, pg 350

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of...

She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.

I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his mighty battle cry, “I can see relationships!!!

Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.

It’s why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own...

We’re a couple of travelers!” I called up to her. “I’m Briony, and this is Ella!””Grammy said I ought not to talk to strangers!” she called back.”We’re not strangers!” Ella shouted. “We’re with the union!”I...

When you get to know them, most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.

Methamphetamine is so Flowers for Algernon: All that super-human cerebral ability fades to limited physical activities like stapling carpet scraps to the wall or masturbation antics worthy of The Guinness Book of World Records.

I’ll pray for you.””That’s very kind of you.””I can’t spare you a whole rosary, you know. Just a decade. I’ve got such a long list of people. I take them in order and they get...

Abe held my gaze a bit longer and then broke into an easy smile. ʺOf course, of course. This is a family gathering. A celebration. And look: hereʹs our newest member.ʺ Dimitri had joined us...

—,Así que no vas a preguntar?Lo estudié, entrecerrando los ojos. Tenía un mal presentimientos sobre esto. Pero las palabras salieron de mi boca, totalmente fuera de mi control.—,Por qué te llaman Horse?—Porque me cuelga como...

I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my...

Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was...

Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

I saw a sign from God, and it said, “Church starts at 8:00 am.” I cried out to God saying, “I can’t make it because that’s too late. Eight am is two hours past my...

Oh… Adrian, I’ve got one more favor to ask you. A big one.” “Fondue?” he asked hopefully.

Parsley is gharsley.

I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

Craig: ‘When I used to drink, I binge drank…and I’m kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot of it on the DVR and then like I get my big scarf...

That’s it then. This is how it ends. I haven’t even read Proust.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

Jack had wondered how geometers could be so inventive as to produce so many types and families of curves. Later he had come to perceive that of curves there was no end, and the true...

If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.

Ode to Douglas AdamsIn the solar system we inhabit, we live on a small planet we all call Earth. Okay, when I say small, I mean it’s small compared to say, oh, Jupiter. Earth is...

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

Of course, if 40% of women need oxytocin to progress normally, then something is wrong with the definition of normal.