She’s young and beautiful, which is twice as good as old and ugly. Some people are both, and some people are both.

Some of us go full circle. Some of us blindly go nowhere. The circle doesn’t have to be very large to make a point, kick your ass and/or be entertaining. Remember that and stay light....

Also not the kind of place to hide a server.””Is that another pun?” She asked.”No! I swear! I didn’t mean that one.”~Shell Game, Kingdom Keepers #5

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

Right. That’s twenty-two fifty.””Twenty-two fifty?” We can’t hide our exasperation.”Well, yeah – this is a classy joint, you know.””That’s obvious – the service is incredible.

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses.

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

Give up your dreams; you’ll accomplish more without sleep.

Transform yourself from desperate doormat to outspoken doormat-wielding proctologist.

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

…cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off–damn ankle straps!–or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not...

Ignorance is bliss, except when it hurts

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.

I wear my cat like a purring fur coat. Love is such a warm feeling, no?

I don’t believe in past,I don’t believe in future,I just believe in present.

It was certainly not this mummified and outrageously painted old woman he was seeing before him, but the entire “female species,” as it was his custom to call women. The individual disappeared, the features were...

With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d change is her.

You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I’ll buy you a pony.

No one believes a liar. Even when she’s telling the truth.

Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick wall.

I told her to wait for me. She asked how long. I told her eight inches.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

The spell…curled around…like smoke before settling in.Sophie: “Okay, do you guys feel protected?”Archer: “Yes. Also a little violated, but that’s neither here nor there.

The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.

I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn’t...

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.

As I don’t know french language I just kiss french girls the way French’s do❤

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.

Lea stood upon a fallen log ahead of us, staring ahead. Mouse walked up to her.Gggrrrr rawf arrrgggrrrrarrrr,” I said.Mouse gave me an impatient glance, and somehow–I don’t know if it was something in his...

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y’know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to...

Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

I’m here to tell you, there ain’t much forgiveness in that old-time religion. That particular savior was a mean son of a bitch. If you sinned, honey, he was going to get you, no doubt...

We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, ‘JUST TELL...

So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn’t understand the subtleties of it all. You’d have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared...

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape!...

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ‘ Jerk ‘ on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ‘ Smokes...

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.””Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...