Here’s the thing: this eel spends its entire life trying to find a home, and what do you think women have inside them? Caves, where the eels like to live…when they find a cave they...

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

If the story-tellers could ha’ got decency and good morals from true stories, who’d have troubled to invent parables?

Give me some sugar.

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

The only thing that stays the same is change.

You can have everything in the world, but if you don’t have love, none of it means crap,” he said promptly. “Love is patient. Love is kind. Love always forgives, trusts, supports, and endures. Love...

But, of course, you might be asking yourself, ‘Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don’t know! I still don’t know what it is! I’m too knackered and confused to work it out....

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.

Jesca returned the smile. ‘You are a brave one–or perhaps foolhardy.”Difficult to tell,’ Cope said cheerily.

Must be weird for you, having your mom here.””Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.””Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi...

I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby.

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.

She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat against his shoulders, against his face. He moved one had, took her two...

My answer is nope, so don’t even hope.

fruited plains,” whatever the hell that means. I mean, America isn’t a place, it’s an ideal. It could happen in the Sahara Desert and still be America. For that matter, I’m the child of immigrants....

Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well…They can be useful. But mainly…They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when...

I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it...

She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date...

Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy.

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

That was not sex. That was naked poetry.

You know, you spend your childhood watching TV, assuming that at some point in the future everything you see will one day happen to you: that you too will win a Formula One race, hop...

I’d rather be single, happy, and lonely sometimes than married, lonely, and happy sometimes.

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You...

My sex life is Ok. Specifically, Oklahoma City.

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can’t count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to...

If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her...

I have a chip on my shoulder. I don’t have a bad attitude, I have a nacho, and I’m saving it for later. People don’t realize how hungry love makes us.

My whore of a brother has done it again.” “Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess.” “I think I hate him.” Poseidon to his brother, Zeus.

Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I never take rides from strangers, thugs who’ve tried to kill me or people with poor personal hygiene. Congratulations, by the way, for being the first person to qualify in all three categories.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

As I am sure you know, when people say ‘It’s my pleasure,’ they usually mean something along the lines of, ‘There’s nothing on Earth I would rather do less.’ […]

…all members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we’d know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they’d never be...

Sweat,” and it’s hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they’re so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether.

but if Yale joined us, there would be.

I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore.

A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle.

I had a dream about you. You made phone books for a living, and I filled up your pages by impregnating as many women as possible. You said I was a living saint, and I...

Technically,’ I said, “I’m not breaking any of the Laws of Magic. I’m not robbing you of your will, so I’m clear of the Fourth Law. And you didn’t get loose, so I’m clear of...

No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake, and they don’t Think.

I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts for the winter. But that’s just the kind of thoughtful guy I am.

I wanted desperately to get all hot and sweaty with this guy, but I knew from experience that hormones affected my sensibilities like alcohol or pot. In the throes of passion I tend to vow...

I’m as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.

I don’t own a cat. My cat owns a human.

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.