I had a dream about you. We spoke as though we shared one mind. And we did, though you got to use the brain on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, while I got it the other...

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, ‘Do you think?’. ‘As little as I can,’ Turnip replied honestly.

mr youse needn’t be so spryconcernin questions artyeach has his tastes but as for ii likes a certain partygimme the he-man’s solid blissfor youse ideas i’ll match yousea pretty girl who naked isis worth a...

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the...

I’m not stubborn. My way is just better.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.

I’ve always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

Oh yeah,” Zane says and smirks at me. “I had her for dinner once. Best meal of my life.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Hooray! I finally finished making a new book cover. Now I just need to write the book. The cover is the image of a man hanging, so perhaps I’ll write a romance novel.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

If it doesn’t make sense, it’s usually not true.

Storming was one of her main modes of transportation.” In reference to teenager Heather in “Carry The One

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail.

I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.

She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.

Along with the concept of American Dream runs the notion that every man and woman is entitled to an opinion and to one vote, no matter how ridiculous that opinion might be or how uninformed...

Parker looked distressed. He had confidence in Wimsey’s judgment, and, in spite of his own interior certainty, he felt shaken.”My dear man, where’s the flaw in [this case]?””There isn’t one … There’s nothing wrong about...

He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

But we’re going to smile and pretend we’re fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can’t mush a birthday into christmas.

RésuméRazors pain you,Rivers are damp,Acids stain you,And drugs cause cramp.Guns aren’t lawful,Nooses give,Gas smells awful.You might as well live.

The Little Drummer Boy” was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks.

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people’s home wasn’t one of them. Usually boys of...

Despite the fact that an Indonesian island chicken has probably had a much more natural life than one raised on a battery farm in England, people who wouldn’t think twice about buying something oven-ready become...

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

So Nikki came aboard as Jaqueline’s spare cat, presumably in case our prime cat, Eliza, goes on vacation, takes industrial action, or requests a personal day.

No sex?” He looked at me in disbelief. “Well if you can’t have ze sex, what can you do?”For the sake of simplicity I took my left arm and lined it up just under my...

I couldn’t decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.

Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I’d feel sad about it.

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks!

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

Bad kitty!” he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. “Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you...

Happy Birthday.

I am going to think of you every time I don’t have sex. So that’ll mean I’ll always be thinking of you.

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code...

I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences.

His name is Tyson? I hate to break it to you, but you dated a brand of chicken.