Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.

You are only limited by your own imagination

This (San Francisco) is the most beautiful city in America, Probably because it looks nothing like America

Ce n’étais pas moi!”What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboard...

There is no such thing as a bad life. That’s what I call an experienced living.

I was spotted at a Communist meeting. I got caught red-handed.

Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?

Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception.

I had a dream about you, you were trying to tell me a pipe had burst but, I did not want to be around you because I thought your feet smelt terrible. When I realized...

My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous.

A lot of men tend to want “models.” I tell men unless they look like a model themselves, they can’t expect to land one.

When I went in the secret chamber, Thor was indeed there. A small room, the walls are entirely covered with loose slips of paper with math formulas on them, along with dirty napkins pinned up...

[…] and unfortunately most women did not seem to have the same urges. Or if they did, they wouldn’t admit it. They probably didn’t, anyway. But if they did they wouldn’t admit it.

Please consult your child’s Witch doctor before using this product. Diapers may cause severe allergies, internal bleeding, and irreversible sex change.

no.

All sorts of people are calling themselves kings these days.

All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. It’s rather unfortunate that, in recent years, real estate...

Why fly in a space ship when you can just park it in my driveway? I’ll even move my tricycle to the bathtub, to heighten your showering experience. Who says I’m not romantic?

She knew that people often complained about having a ‘bad hair day’, but surely they did not wake up in the morning to find their Hair had eaten a whole box of chocolates while they...

Amy let him lead her to the dance area. She gasped when he immediately tugged her body against his. Clearly Erik had not learned the dance rules taught at St. Francis High School. He didn’t...

I made love in a HAZMAT suit. I think I contaminated the relationship.

She was not sorry. And if it was the wine telling her that, then she would tell the wine the same thing tomorrow. She was not sorry.

I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are my feet. I soak them, sometimes for hours, while I watch a movie...

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

You’d be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

Just because it’s old, doesn’t mean it’s gold.

I can’t be always and everywhere Who Man. Sometimes I have to be the Why Guy. But that’s what makes women want to make love to me and give me a discount price.

Don’t call me babe. I’m not a floozy. Or a freaking talking pig.

Coffee is the anti-sleep, and I drink it like I eat ice, because I’m thirsty—and hungry for alertness.

18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.

Hold the bottle up to the light; you will see your dreams are always at the bottom.

There is a fascination here that holds rich and poor, strong and weak captive,not with chains and fetters but by an almost touchable solace…

Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.

College wasn’t like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.

What are you thinking, Bliss?”I should have said, you. Naked. That would have shocked him. Not that I was actually thinking of him naked… well, now that I mentioned it I was… damn.

Both things have pros, and both have cons, but I think the pros and cons equal out leaving me unequal to the task of choosing.

A bit of sniffles and men are more work than a brood of babies.

I like to see an angry Englishman,” said Poirot. “They are very amusing. The more emotional they feel the less command they have of language.

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

He’ll probably be a bit Looneyville for a while.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.

All right gentlemen, we have a job to do. At approximately 01:30 tonight, three children made an escape. Our job is to find them and bring them back. Every minute the factory is down, I...

Two things I learned a long time ago, Cate: Don’t hold a grudge longer than it takes to work your way through a pan of brownies all by yourself, and don’t begrudge someone an apology...

Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought a doorbell.

Shut up, ya wanker.”They start in on each other again. They yell as if they both have megaphones to their mouths, standing inches apart. Each vulgar insult is more illogical than the last.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?