I’m not stubborn. My way is just better.

I have a penis like a fire hose, and I’m here to put out the flames of desire.

Julian tried to keep a pleasant smile on his face, though already it felt strained. He was uncomfortable with people who used the word blessed as a part of their everyday speech. The implication was...

Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.

Love is like a beautiful summer day in the middle of winter. I’ve got shorts on, so it seems like a good time to invade Russia.

I won’t tell you my name, but I will give you a number that describes me: 4. One a 1-10 scale, I love you like my numerical identity.

Oh yeah,” Zane says and smirks at me. “I had her for dinner once. Best meal of my life.

Miss Morland, no one can think more highly of the understanding of women than I do. In my opinion, nature has given them so much that they never find it necessary to use more than...

Our nannas are losers.

I tried to think of something to say. Excuse me? Hello? Marry me? Anything would have done.

The ability to gauge intelligence is itself a form of intelligence. Monkeys don’t ponder how smart monkeys are. Ditto for politicians.

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

If it doesn’t make sense, it’s usually not true.

When you carry a gun, everything starts looking like a sword. If you pass the butter too quickly, I’m likely to shoot you. But even if you attack me, we can still be lovers.

Calculus was not math. It was a fucking science experiment gone wrong.

You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail.

The French have the right respect for dogs–in France we chiens get to go to lunch and dinner anytime, anywhere.

Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician’s pants.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.

Along with the concept of American Dream runs the notion that every man and woman is entitled to an opinion and to one vote, no matter how ridiculous that opinion might be or how uninformed...

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

People who say, ‘Let the chips fall where they may,’ usually figure they will not be hit by a chip.

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

First of all I express sincerity. There’s also that sense of humor, by which people sometimes learn to laugh about themselves. I mean, the situation is so serious that the people could go crazy because...

I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote...

The reason I rob nursing homes is because the residents in nurseries don’t have any wealth yet to steal. How can I steal from babies? What do you think I am, a Central Banker?

But we’re going to smile and pretend we’re fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can’t mush a birthday into christmas.

What’s more important than recycling? Producing something to recycle.

My ‘people skills’ are ‘rusty.’ Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people’s home wasn’t one of them. Usually boys of...

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I’m a natural politician.

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

I don’t trust mutes. By their silence, I wonder what they’re hiding. The lost Templar treasure, mysteries of the universe, my love for you—who knows what they could have hidden away.

There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain laws and constants of nature are consistent with our kind of life. But essentially the same laws and constants are...

I couldn’t decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I’d look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn’t I?...

What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.

Would a boring machine drill holes—or put you to sleep? I make love like a robot, so maybe I do both.

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning…look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.

Bad kitty!” he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. “Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you...

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed...

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.’Ah, well, I’m not sure I believe that.

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code...

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

His name is Tyson? I hate to break it to you, but you dated a brand of chicken.