Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

My love for you is like food for a statue. My love is like anything from McDonald’s, because it will never decay and always looks brand new.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never...

At the end of the first date, I got my courage up and I made a move. One U-Haul van and 1,500 miles later, I regretted my boldness.

Small Man can be a very funny or a very tiresome Tour Companion, depending on how this kind of thing grabs you. He gambles, he drinks too much and he always runs away. Since the...

From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.

Gerald’s look assured her that he and the others would be as near angels as children could be without ceasing to be human.

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

There’s a hair in my food! Well, I did order all the cuddles I can eat. A buffet of sleep is how I describe my love to strangers on trains.

To be is to do – SocratesTo do is to be – SartreDo Be Do Be Do – Sinatra

She invited me out to dinner, and I declined saying I’m not a fan of big groups. She said it would be just us two, and I said, Like I said, I’m not a fan...

No, I can’t die because there are too many jackasses falling over themselves to take my place! I may live forever just to spite them!

My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn’t die.

Pops added,”you know, they say if you don’t vote, you get the government you deserve.””And if you do, you never get the results you expected,” (Katherine) replied.

What is humor?’ one of their professors had posed, and he had answered, ”nondangerous, unexpectedly inappropriate juxtaposition.

With my grandma, every Sunday after church.

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

Everything you can imagine,is real.

Now Leroux, what think youOf this twist to the story?

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn’t the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

An optimist is a man who plant two acorns and buy a hammock.

A lot of the nonsense was the innocent result of playfulness on the part of the founding fathers of the nation of Dwayne Hoover and Kilgore Trout. The founders were aristocrats, and they wished to...

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.

Now if you are told that some piece of information will come as a shock to you, the chances are that you will really feel shocked, even if the information itself isn’t of the slightest...

a politician is an arse uponwhich everyone has sat except a man

My nail is a bit rusty.

If you’re going to hit a car, try to be sure that it’s not a cop car

We get a lot of calls where the person is murdered at home, but is not found for a period of time. And so the animals have already started to take the body apart because...

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

Let me say right here, if I haven’t made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so...

Beth We Steve I know you can Dave. I’m a lover, not a We’re Closed Until Further Notice kind of mannequin. Your donkey is my motorcycle of desire.

I’ll never forget my first time with you’ Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. ‘The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at...

It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.

Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.

It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.

That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information.””Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?

Nobody got me out,” Nellie replied. “They just let me go. They think I’m a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel’s full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony....

He stumbled out of his phlegmatic apathy,when she entered his life like an epiphany.

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

Right,” Sadie said. “And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.

Eragon looked back at him, confused. “I don’t understand.””Of course you don’t,” said Brom impatiently. “That’s why I’m teaching you and not the other way around.

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it...

Ares sighed “What are the three words said most often in our house?” “Not tonight, Ares?” Than offered. “Funny,” Ares growled. “Cara never says that.

He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the...

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.