Death, I had discovered long ago, was available in varying flavors, and none of them particularly palatable.

Now then, Mr. Crab,” said the zebra, “here are the people I told you about; and they know more than you do, who live in a pool, and more than I do, who live in...

If you could burn calories just by crying… I would be a skinny woman.”-Casey King, Fingerlike

Some words are invisible—namely spoken words—but that only means I read them with my ears. But people are rude, and they often speak to me when I’m trying to read.

Nor the last…

It’s not lying when you do it to officers!

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

I was once attacked by a Federal park. But due to governmental inefficiencies, I had to report it to highway patrol.

He still wasn’t looking at me, which meant I was still in trouble. I swear, sometimes this partnership is like being married. We fight all the time and neither one of us is getting married.

I realized I was going to get through this disappointing service, and anyway, you have to be somewhere: better here, where I have heard truth spoken so often, than, say, at the DMV, or home...

Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. […] I’d seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it...

The problem with all politicians is that they are human.

In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three people surveyed) stated that my armpits are the greatest thing since Louis XVI....

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it’s for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don’t...

That’s how I want to go. Taking my own way out and totally pissing everybody off at the end.

I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I...

Flowers, fragrance, and freedom make me think of her. Love turns the opposite inside out.

Because of their DNA, most men loved a damsel in distress. Every time a man sees a pretty lass in trouble, even the boorish slob-of-a-man transforms into a chivalrous knight-in-shining-armour. This was why most women...

It hardly ever works if they don’t know you’ve done it.

There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.

I was an at-risk youth. I was in danger of becoming an adult.

We’ve got our heads pulled low inside of our hooded sweatshirts and our eyes are shifty. We look exactly like you’d expect someone to look if they were minutes away from committing a major crime.

I had two cups of coffee, put Eric’s jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of...

Music has the power to shake society, especially if the bass is turned way up.

And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.

Smartass Disciple: Master, do you really believe in the second chance?Master of Stupidity: That supports the basis of lost-then-found concept.

The roof was torn off the gym. God’s way of telling the jocks that they’d better remember who’s really charge.

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone’s life is entropy. The...

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.

I had a dream I was in a dream and then that dream told me I was in someone else’s sock drawer.

You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I’d be shooting myself in the head if I were you.

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same.

God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer’s other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

Middle school is kind of like Middle-earth. It’s a magical journey filled with elves, dwarves, hobbits, queens, kings, and a few corrupt wizards. Word to the wise: pick your traveling companions well. Ones with the...

Alec looked at her and shook his head. “How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?”Isabelle shrugged philosophically. “I’m pure at heart. It repels the dirt.

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

Let me get this straight. you want me to go stomping through a graveyard brandishing a bottle of booze to rouse an unrestful spirit so that I can interrogate him?” – Cat to Bones

Love is so stressful. I just want to wear a toga and be a shepherd. If I looked more like Jesus, I’ll bet I’d get more followers on Twitter.

My love is popular. It must be, because I never have any. Is it because I don’t produce any, or because I’m always sold out?

She flipped through the pages of her apps, as if Apple made an app for “Escape from a deserted island.

Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored.

I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?