I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.

It’s simply about gratitude and honor. It’s about finding the joy in each of life’s little facets, even the ones that are otherwise considered mundane. It’s all a matter of perspective, I guess. Each day...

A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome...

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

A cat is friendly in a hollow sort of way, like the way a prostitute is friendly.

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

A heavy gas generated by the fermentation of equally dense ideas, stupidity is the most common renewable source of energy, the easiest to extract, and the least costly, except when coupled with nuclear energy.

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.

When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.

You like them,” I realized.Noah’s eyebrows lifted in question.”Like as people.””As opposed to…furniture?””They’re my PARENTS.””That is my understanding, yes.

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

Nadie parece haber caído en cuenta de que si la existencia es absurda, lograr en ella un éxito brillante no tiene más valor que fracasar por completo.

It’s hot out there.” I prowl toward her, pulling off my shirt. I maybe flex my abs a little- anything for my girl.

I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.

Why is it that all cars are women?” he asked. “Because they’re fussy and demanding,” answered Zee. “Because if they were men, they’d sit around and complain instead of getting the job done,” I told...

That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

I’d been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.

Then, aided by the booze, like a fool I tossed off one of those throwaway lines that would have been better thrown away. “Ah, Frank! I thought you were going to be down here fucking...

Go naked. Trust me, if you don’t have a thing to wear, that’s the obvious choice.

You don’t have the courage of a half-bred mongrel.

In order not to make a liar out of Henry or Katherine, one or the other, the committee men think up circumstances in which the match may have been partly consummated, or somewhat consummated, and...

See Amazon’s bio on don loedding and a review of his first book of short stories”The Search For the Bearded Clam” and read inside “Global Warming:The Iceman Cometh”.

I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

Part of what I love about novels and dogs is that they are so beautifully oblivious to economic concerns. We serve them, and in return they thrive. It’s not their responsibility to figure out where...

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

I give up. What’s the use of having a man in the house?

Some kids get called ‘bundles of joy’ or ‘slices of heaven’ or ‘dreams come true.’ We got ‘the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.’ Doesn’t have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I’m oversensitive.

I’m claustrophobic. Your love is suffocating me and making me panic like the Crash of ’29. Just give me some space, and soon I’ll be all 1930 and we can try to make things work.

The monkey didn’t help matters any. He was sitting on top of the microbus, just watching the undead plunge to their end. His face appeared so serene, so intelligent, as if he truly understood the...

The day my mother gave us the keys, she also made me and Greta sign a form so that the bank knew our signatures. To get in we had to show our key and sign...

I box in yellow Gox box socks.

Ever director has at least 10 bad films in them.

A volte il fumo è meglio dell’arrosto

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to “bite you” and threatening to kick them until they’re dead.

My many years of living have not made the actions of teenage boys any less enigmatic.

Once you start, you just can’t stop.

He snuffles. Oh, no.He’s not going to cry, is he? Because even though it’s sweet when guys cry, I am so not prepared for this.Girl scouts didn’t teach me what to do with emotionally unstable...

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.

Hate people on an individual basis only – you must actually get to know someone at least slightly before you can properly hate him or her.

You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you’re some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?

Basically, everyone thinks–knows–how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.

I live a single life. But only because there’s not enough room in my astronaut suit for two. There’s no love on the moon.

I think I might be bi-polar. It’s not normal to be this emotionally unstable.