Vivi muito tempo no mundo das pessoas grandes. Vi-as de bem perto.Não fiquei com muito melhor opinião delas.

Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior.”- Hun, A. T.

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed...

I love nature. It beats having to flush.

College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you’re qualified.

People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing...

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in such a condescending, casual tone, but he is a ‘writer’, and a talentless mediocrity!People...

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

Hay lugares en que varios tiempos están ocurriendo a la vez y lugares en que apenas queda tiempo, y tiempos en que apenas hay lugar.

A romantic man often feels more uplifted with two women than with one: his love seems to hit the ideal mark somewhere between two different faces.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society,...

Enjoy your Evening.””That will depend on the menu. If it’s beef, it will be a tolerable meal. If it’s chicken…” Elliot shuddered. “What is the point of chicken?””Eggs?

It’s a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. Not even the most stupid Creator would go to the trouble of making the...

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

Yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do,...

The easiest way to hide your gold is to disguise it as Spanish bullion and store it on the bottom of the ocean floor.

We have to destroy the radioactive brain of Madame Curie.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.

There’s a cover for every pot, but I’ve never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. – Ellen Wasserfeldman, from Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman by Alisa Dana Steinberg

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

You can’t has,’ he whispered softly, ‘not yours.

Call him what you like.

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

You think all I can do is frog legs? I got Legs on my mind, alright, but yours. I’ll do whatever it takes the save the ass on top of ‘em and everything else, you...

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It’s really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

Aye. And he’s surprisingly good at it, too!

Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)

A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and easygoing.

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

I’ll take risk on what I do on my life . Just mind your own business .

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third grade shuttle run to prove it. I’ve kept it all these years to remind myself that I’m a winner.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.

I have rose-colored glasses. The frames have thorns.

Mama has such cleverly timed headaches I wonder if she has any at all.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

relations are the failures of life..

A friend comes over with a Ouija board.It spells out: Bourbon. Where’s the band?Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

I ejaculate confidence. My self-esteem might impregnate you.

Does that make today the last day, or at midnight tonight will the world just skip over to the day after tomorrow? But wouldn’t that still make it tomorrow?