I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

I don’t know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in computer science is measured in nano-Dijkstras.

Take the road less traveled…there’s less traffic!!!

He curled his claw into a fist. “I’d like to shove a stake up that bastard’s ass.”Adam’s lip curled. “Remind me not to piss you off.”The demon raised his brow. “Trust that shit, mancy.

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

The only thing he was sorry for was slamming the door and perhaps raising his voice to the woman who’d been like a mother to him since the passing of his parents. Perhaps she hadn’t...

I have discovered that the world over, unusual weather prevails at all times of the year.

Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards

Honestly, the only question most Americans ask about a new building at this point is basically: Is it a soul-sucking eyesore of cheap-ass despair? It’s not? Whew.

We are a generation that is obsessed with nostalgia. Everything from the past is so readily available in ways that it never was before and because of that, western civilization will experience a period of...

I always start peeing when I’m only halfway to the litter box. This eagerness to finish is what probably makes me such a great lover.

I think I know why you never married, Sarah.””Well, and I reckoned if I wanted something that’d come and go as he pleased, take me for granted, and ignore me when he chose, I’d get...

I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the...

I have never voted in my life… I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it’s certain they will win.

If you want to catch beasts you don’t see every day,You have to go places quite out of the way,You have to go places no others can get to.You have to get cold and you...

I had a dream about you, I was cooking dinner and you came out of the bathroom with a troubled look on your face. When I asked what was wrong you said “I have never...

Laughter isn’t a sign of insanity but a shield against it.

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

There must be a mistake,” I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. “That’s a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?

When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.

Love is like water, except it’s either fog or ice. I make love like a steamy 32 degrees.

James Carstairs! Jem! Where are you, you disloyal bastard?

(on the word “fuck”)’Oh, come on, Mum,’ I sighed at her protest. ‘It’s just an old Anglo-Saxon word for the female organ which has been adopted by an inherently misogynist language as a negative epithet....

Come on, it is a guest bedroom! If you want your guests to feel at home, they should be allowed to do whatever they do at home!

Somewhere, on some sidewalk, is a piece of gum with my shoe’s imprint patterned on it. You must find it and bring it to justice.

When value of your words gets lower its time to stay quite and improve your self

I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?

Pelos ossos de Deus, Tom, o diabo fez um serviço ruim quando trepou com sua mãe.

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I’m here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

It’s fun!” I only hope it didn’t take a government grant to achieve this scientific breakthrough.

…the Statue of Liberty’s got this invitation: ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your reeking homeless–”Huddled masses,’ said Ira. ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.’…Okay, fine. So like...

Due to its late nature, tomorrow morning will start after tonight. People say early morning, but it’s later than late at night, so I say it’s entirely too decadent for me to be a part...

Jace snorted so loudly that she turned on him with a frown. He wiggled his mud-caked fingers at her. His nails were black crescents. “Filthy inside and out.

Why do I have to do the sewin’? ‘Cause I’m a girl? Is that it? It ain’t fair, I tell ya!

If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

More dangerous than being in a house full of vampires? I think I’ll take my chances, Mr. Fallinsworth.””I think we’re way past formalities here since my cock has been inside that hot, wet, delicious body...

If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.

I love to read. My favorite thing.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

Weetzie could see him–it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. “Lanky Lizards!” Weetzie exclaimed.”Greetings,” said the man in an odd voice,...

It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about.

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

monosyllabic”?

A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.

After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at all. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my skill for laying still and...