The common denominator of all jokes is a path of expectation that is diverted by an unexpected twist necessitating a complete reinterpretation of all the previous facts — the punch-line…Reinterpretation alone is insufficient. The new...

Bir ilk buluşmada kadın rahatça yemek yiyorsa, o erkeği çoktan elemiştir kafasında.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Who made you Queen of Literacy? Go sit in your car!

Gabi to Marcus “I can’t believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!

Why aren’t the thinks I’m thinking getting thunk on the page any faster?!? (from Stop Lying: Writing Is Hard on ChristopherLehman.com)

Just like a woman to do things on her own time.

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!” Michael Keaton character in “Mr. Mom

Rejoice in the rain. Pretend you’ve just exited the desert.” I knew my words impacted her because she shivered in delight. I should be a politician.

I’m a born-again atheist.

Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that’s when we can start talking about equal rights.

Sarcasm.

Gregor werd nog roder. En toen werd hij groen. Ik knipperde een paar keer met mijn ogen, maar hij was nog steeds groen, met rode ogen. Net de Hulk: hij werd steeds groener en griezeliger...

Loving Reading Hot Books w/ Hot Guys!!!#hotguys #goodbooks

I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, “Will, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose.

Sex,” the driver said, “Has no one ever told you about it?”I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag and pretended to read, an act that apparently explained it all.”Ohhh,” the driver said,...

He has wisdom beyond his years. He’s 87-years-old, and he’s at least as wise as an 88-year-old.

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours.

If you know your Bible and your Shakespeare and can shoot craps, you have a liberal education.

And I’m sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were...

We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat. Actually, you are the Galapagos Islands. Or perhaps you are a failed Pollack...

Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice. I tap Zetania’s shoulder and ask, “What’s a precipice?” “A...

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

It’s always sunny in the Sunshine State. Except for at night.

Graphic design will save the world right after rock and roll does.

You know your marriage is in trouble when your wife would rather listen to a cackling drug lord than accept your apology.

God, you’re sexy when you talk Psy.

Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a...

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

He crouched at the care window and looked in. “What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They’re all lovely. Except for that one.” His finger jabbed the glass. “That one’s a bit...

I don’t have any inkling what to do with all the ink in this digital age. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of love letters to a dead author. Who moved my mayonnaise?

The busybody (banned as sexist, demeaning to older women) who lives next door called my daughter a tomboy (banned as sexist) when she climbed the jungle (banned; replaced with “rain forest”) gym. Then she had...

My teacher asked my favorite color. … I said ‘Rainbow’…. and I was punished to stand out of my class.

You’ve always said I should have an inquiring mind,” she said. “I have. But not an interrupting one.

I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.

It was also time to elect the president and VP of the OASIS User Council, but that was a no-brainer. Like most gunters, I voted to reelect Cory Doctorow and Wil Wheaton (again). There were...

Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. ‘Hyaa!’ I yell. ‘Hyaa. Hyaa!’ It’s the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry...

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.

…but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.

I don’t believe I’ve ever ingested anything quite so ancient,” Gareth murmured.

If I were a cave dweller, I wouldn’t draw on my living room walls like a caveman. No, I’d draw on my walls like Basquiat. Not a big difference aesthetically, but a huge difference in...

Trust is not hoping your partner will love you; it is KNOWING that they DO.

I wanted to make her a greeting card, but as far as I got was folding the paper in half. I left it blank inside, so she’d know how much I love her. I never...

A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it...

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She’s soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch...

I’m taking a quick shower. I’m gross. I need to be clean.” “You shouldn’t be doing that.” The door handle jingled. It wasn’t locked. “Alex!””I’m naked,” I warned. Silence and then, “Is that supposed to...

I had a dream about you. We were shoveling dollar bills and used diapers and laughing like children. I was dancing like I had a fog machine in my pants, and I did, which is...