A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn’t taken a liking to that. She decided to...

You show me what someone listens to, I’ll tell you everything you want to know about his soul. (For instance, a bunch of Nickelback albums would have indicated he never had a soul in the...

Wisdom of the Ages: “National Symbol” With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn’t our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.

People don’t talk like this, theytalklikethis. Syllables, words, sentences run together like a watercolor left in the rain. To understand what anyone is saying to us we must separate these noises into words and the...

The first domesticated animal was the scapegoat.

You can do this (this thing, where your body will cease to produce hormones and your skin, hair, muscles and bones… basically every part of you will notice, go into withdrawals, and stage a coup)....

The End of the Raven”On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slantingI awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found...

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of...

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

You okay?””Fine.””Your heart’s beating really fast.””Gee, thanks. That’s very comforting that you can hear it.”He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she’d first met before all the vamp stuff.”Yeah, I know it...

If your life was complete, you’d be dead.

I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. ‘Hungry?’ she asked Geary.’I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?”No. It’s . . .’ She squinted at the label. ‘Spicy chicken curry.”A chicken curry ration bar? How...

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

Dad, is she serious?”John shrugged. “I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn’t feed me. So i dont argue with your mama.

It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it...

I think it’s interesting.

Uh, puedo hablar con Andrew Nelson, por favor?” I asked, feeling like an idiot.”Quien?” “El americano,” I explained. “Muy grande americano.” In trying to describe my father, I sounded like I was ordering coffee. But...

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I hate to read books but a friend said he read the dictionary and that the Zebra did it.

Just eat some chex mix and have a glass of milk and you’ll be fine.

There were a few things scarier than a bipolar vampire off his meds, but to be honest, not that many.

Jeremy and Karl and Elizabeth have known each other since the first day of kindergarten. Amy and Talis are a year younger…Now the five are inseparable; invincible. They imagine that life will always be like...

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did.”She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but...

Don’t call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it’s not sexist.

We want Max to… breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies.”Dead silence for quite some time. We all stared at Dr. Hans, our jaws dropped to various levels. Our lives...

getting lucky” means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it’s still HOT!

1980’s: not a time period but a state of mind.

Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he’s hungry? I’m eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I...

Don’t feel bad. My body rejects food on occasion too,” Greg said, and she grinned. A sense of humor was always a plus for a man.

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

Good evening, Lord Corwin,’ said the lean, cadaverous figure who rested against a storage rack, smoking his pipe, grinning around it.Good evening, Roger. How are things in the nether world?’A rat, a bat, a spider....

Remember the part about big and scary.

I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man’s body, although I’d appreciate it if you didn’t quote me on that.-Bobby Tom

Your questions regarding that gentleman are very delicate, very subtle, very much like being smacked in the head with a mallet.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns…and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going...